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back to this forum after 2 yrs....Bigger issues this time.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sonika1976, Jul 13, 2012.

  1. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    One more thing i noticed in your previous thread of not eating for days... He thinks you are eating away his money and by you not having food you are proving it right. Please never do that, come what may the sky is on your head also you have to eat, if you are healthy only you can do anything for yourself or for others. Never starve, you are his wife, its his duty to provide you food, shelter and ofcourse affection which he is not doing. Not only to this situation but for any reason do not stop eating. Even if you have had a big big fight, if you have not cooked, then after the fight has stopped go cook and eat happily, dont bother about the fight.
     
    3 people like this.
  2. stork82

    stork82 Silver IL'ite

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    Reading this, I had tears in my eyes, no exaggeration. How can some men be like this? Don't you retaliate? If you don't, you should! Either it will shut him up or cause more damage, but not more damage than what is already being caused.This kind of verbal abuse is even worse than physical abuse.
    How dare she! I feel ashamed of calling myself a lady when a lady can do this to another. The next time she tells you this, forget she is an elder. Talk like you would to an equal. Ask her if she is really a lady!

    Very well said Rose!

    The only piece of advice I have for you is to find yourself a job like the others have said. Start networking if you already haven't. That way you will get to know of job opportunities from people around. Since you are a USC, the possibilities of getting a job are higher for you. Don't wait for a dream job. Just see if you can begin with something first. Give yourself the time to get used to working after a break. Slowly you will start feeling more confident about yourself. The ones who try to belittle you will start realizing your value over time. Start writing down next steps right now. Start implementing them right from tomorrow. Most importantly, NEVER doubt your self worth. NEVER! Gain strength. DARE! Rebel. Do NOT put up with abuse. Wish you good luck!
     
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  3. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree stork82...what kind of shameless people they are..cant believe such people exist in this world. I hope they rot in hell. Disgusting,illiterate and I think even mad dogs are better than this duo.The more I read the lines you highlighted,the more my blood boils.
     
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  4. Hachiko

    Hachiko Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Sonika,
    How long you want to carry on with a guy like him? I know its for your child sake you are still having relationship with him.Now your child is small,but once he grows up,dont you think he gonna question? Try to get a job and be financially independent.Your husband looks inferior at you because he is the breadwinner of the family.So,you must prove to him that you are not what he and your PIL think.Try to solve your problem with your husband first.Your mother's issue you can solve it later.This is not the right for you to expect him apologize to your mother now.Solve the problem which lie beneath your marital life.
     
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  5. anonymou

    anonymou Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry I have a different perspective to this.
    If I am reading this correctly, you did not withdraw money to pay pending bills, you withdrew it believing in future, there may be pending bills. By doing this, you have lost the trust he put on you in joint account(generally one would expect money goes in and out of joint account by mutual consent). Now you want him to apologize first, then you shall return money? According to me, you committed first mistake, you should mend that first then ask him "see my intention was never to steal, so the accusation on my mother was wrong, it would be nice gesture to apologize for it".
     
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  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Sonika ,
    You are caught between your Mom and DH. Why don't you go and stay with your Mom instead of calling her every year? No Mom would like to be the reason of conflict in her child's life. You know your H is the stingy kind , you should have taken the hint and averted the situation.
    You cannot force your spouse to be nice to your Mom and vice-versa.Don't force him to apologise etc to your Mom, she should cool it.
    Why is your H suspecting you of sending money to India, maybe divorce is really on his mind.
    If he is passing nasty personal comments then its serious and maybe he doesn't care for your feelings.
    You got stretch marks carrying his baby so he is responsible for them.

    You can slim down, look good, get a makeover but do it for yourself.
    It appears that being an only child both you and Mom are over-dependent on each other.
    She should also back off and let you lead your own life.
    You have a child who needs both parents , being a perfect DD is fine, multi-task and become a perfect wife and Mom too.
     
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  7. beanstalk

    beanstalk Gold IL'ite

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    A) you need to have some money definitely for security reasons. You put in years into an unstable relationship and have nothing to show for it.
    B) Get a job. No matter how small is the pay, its a step to make you independent. Find ways to further your education or get diplomas. You need to be able to to stand independently and be able to support your mom. Your father is no more and your are an only child. You have responsibility towards her.
    c) most of these dramas - husband saying nasty things - I feed you, your mom etc., you steal, throw you out of the house etc is primarily because you are totally dependent on him. A man looses almost all his strength to challenge a strong woman.

    Men of this sort prove a poor and bad upbringing. Parents of such children like him should be ashamed.
     
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  8. Geetanjalikumar

    Geetanjalikumar Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,

    He is not doing any favor to you by providing food and shelter.
    That's his basic responsibility as husband. You are not eating for free. You are taking care of your home and your kid and your husband.
    It's a joint account and you have right on that money as much as he does. So, you have not stolen any money from him. Let him know that.
    Even, if he goes for divorce since you are a homemaker, he has to take care of you and your kid. If you are here in US, you have equal share even in his 401k money. He can run but can not hide.

    Dear, if he is working at office, you are working at home. According to law both of you are working. Next time let him know that.
    Moreover threatening spouse with divorce is an offense. About the filthy language he and his mom use against you, it's abuse. No court in US will tolerate such nonsense. Next time he dares to threaten you or demean you, tell him you know the law and you will not take any nonsense. As a spouse you are ware of your rights. Shut him up.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2012
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  9. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Extremely sick H and in-laws! Manic family, run for your life! Find a job, and be independent!!
     
  10. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    wish I could find a job. I did the course however. Couldnt take the certification as I had taken so much stress that it caused me to have hyperthyroidism. My face changed, i got fat...had to be put on heart medications so my heart would stop racing.

    Still I dont know where this will end. we share no emotional, physical attachment. I am 32 and I already find myself in a dead end. I continue caring for my son, cooking, cleaning and all the basic chores while being blamed for everything I have or have not done.

    Recently, he kept the childs toy on a table which was in a dark room. Came back and forgot totally about it. Started accusing me of taking it. Kept saying how I should have been more careful about a toy. Why should I take it when I dont know where I put it. Had he to turn on the light, he would know where it was! rather where he left it.

    Few weeks ago, we got locked. He started screaming at me for my carelessness. Asking me why my brains dont work. All infront of a neighbor who was enjoying the altercation. He mentioned about his "zero expectations" of me. How he does not expect I earn, I work. Still I cant remember where is the key. In that rush of finding a key, I tripped and fell on a box. Hence the delay in replying to you all.

    My recent health condition makes me worse. I feel like I have reached a dead end. I sometimes hate myself for not being able to achieve anything. I guess more than him I hate myself.

    Thanks for letting me vent! I feel so much better.
     

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