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back to this forum after 2 yrs....Bigger issues this time.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sonika1976, Jul 13, 2012.

  1. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    Just got off speaking with my mother in india and after feeling terribly sandwiched between relations...I am asking for your help.

    My mother works in india (the only way to keep her busy after my fathers death). I am an only child living far away. I do not work right now and financially dependent on my husband. He thinks he is doing a favor on me by feeding me. Anyway, since my mother is alone, I try to invite her every year for two months to stay with me. Immediately after she leaves, inlaws come over to make my life totally miserable.

    This time, my husband took my mother out to show a place 3 hrs away from where we live. Thinks he did a big favor for her as well. During a small argument, infront of his parents he started out saying nasty things like "earn a dime then invite your mom over", "i fed your mom free food", "took her out to roam", "my parents did not go anywhere". He then to satisfy his parents totally escalated the situation to a new level by asking us to get out of the house at midnight. I had to take my 5 yr old and live in a friends house. He never once checked on us and told me, he is filing for divorce.

    Well that he never did but offered to move out of the house to enable us to move in. My mother worried where he is, tried to call him on his cell phone and he told her the same nasty things to which she vowed she will never come here ever. When he left, he was absconding for 2 days and I was suggested by my friends to remove some money from our joint account, incase he would never show up and the bills would be my part of the responsibility. So i did in fear of insecurity, and he called my mother and accused HER of "stealing" his money. I have told him I will return every penny i removed from his account, if he would apologize to my mother. He never did, I have never returned the money.

    His parents are not on talking terms with me. He is not on talking terms with my mom. it pains pains pains me. We share no marital relation as well. Just try to be amicable for the sake of our son. Thats it. I have heard things like "he turns off the lights so he doesnt have to see me during sex", "he thinks i am fat", "he thinks i look ugly".

    His mother added fuel to the fire by calling me dark, laden with stretch marks, abnormal girl, ugly hair, short heighted. I would have forgotten her words if my husband wouldnt echo the same to me each day.

    Problem is, my mother forces me to share all my friends phone numbers so she can call them during an emergency since she wont call my husband. what should i do? I stay depressed due to this all day and now my staying sad and depressed is reflecting on my little boy. we go out less, we stay home...i hate it. I wish i would just dissappear.

    what can i do tell me? should i return his money and force him to talk to my mom to make her happy? should i leave this fake marriage and go to india for good? i am beyond confused. guide me plz
     
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  2. minivara

    minivara Junior IL'ite

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    Dear Sonika,

    I just wrote on another similar post...but here's the crux. Please get a job first - it helps in many ways. Independence, a better you, confidence to deal with the situation and the biggest is to teach your five year old - you don't have to succumb to bad relationships.

    Hopefully, this helps a bit....hugs and good luck to you
     
    2 people like this.
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Soni,

    By looking at your other threads,I think this is high time to take of yourself.Does he allows you to take your son to India.
    How much money did you draw????
    You better go to India and find some job and stand on your legs.How long you pretend this life without living to the fullest.I don't know weather he would allow you to go India with your son or not???That's the biggest question.
    In between,work towards your well being.Forget your mom.First take care of yourself.She doesn't worry weathter your husbands talk to her not.She only worry for your happyness.If you keep yourself happy ,she will be ok.
    coming to money,how much did you draw???????
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. veeramachaneni

    veeramachaneni Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Sonika - He is acting so bad. It is ok you took some money from the joint account. You need money to pay the bills and feed yourself and you kid.

    Stay strong. Don't involve friends or anyone (Your husband / IL's can call them and speak ill to them as well) You don't want that happening which will create more problems in the future.

    Stay in your home. Don't call / say sorry / Just be with your son in your home and try to find a job (If your visa status allows) Tell your mom that you have everything under control.
     
  5. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    I took half of his money. I havent touched it yet or sent it to india :((. we all are US citizens.
     
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  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't invlove your mom or anyone in this.Don't even try your husband apploize to your mom.actually no one is gaining anything in this other than making things go in circle.
    You do whatever you wanted to do this time.Find a job,go by yourself outside.How long you can go like this.Either become little submissive wife to your husband.That's what he wanted looks like or find your way out.
     
  7. raj77

    raj77 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,

    Big Hugs to you. I don't what to say.Try to find some job and be yourself. Don't make yourself low it can effect your son.I know it is terrible,but why he asks you to go out of the house..if he don't like why can't you separate officially..How come he leaves you and kid midnight.It is time for you to get self Independence financially and be yourself.Don't be distressed dear.Other than your IL issues Is he normally good with you and kid?
     
  8. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    It is weird, he does everything for us. Inshort, an excellent provider. My friends call him an ATM machine. Thats all he is. I cant go on very long without having a real relationship either. Sucking it all up for our child :( I used to beg for hugs and other displays of affection before. He wouldnt like to come close either. Now by keeping distance, I am so used to not feeling his touch or affection that I am just going with the flow. We havent been imtimately close in 6 months now.
     
  9. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    Its so heart breaking to see such men... what on earth do they get by treating wife like this ! what will they do when they get old... dont they have some brain to think !!!

    I briefly went thru your previous threads, you were in the process of doing a course and getting a job whats with it!! when you are in a bad marriage its very important to have financial independence. This gives you ample confidence and new way of thinking about life.

    Leave aside you not speaking to inlaws or he not speaking to his MIL. You be good to yours and let him be good to his.

    Go and Find a job is what i would say ! is there anything that is not allowing you to work !! i mean is your sons health fine now !!
     
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  10. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Im very very sorry to say this but your husband is a monster. The abuse that he does (commenting on your appearance,lights off so he cant see you during sex-this is the worst,abusing your mom ) is worse than physical abuse...
    I dont think you need him for your son too. Bad example. Take a job,get busy and then kick him out of your life. I dont know why such people marry....let them wash their moms feet..better yet,mom-son combo should lick each other's feets.Im really angry.(Im short tempered so my blood is about to boil now)
     
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