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Aussie Joke

Discussion in 'Indians in Australia & NZ' started by corallux, Jan 20, 2008.

  1. corallux

    corallux Bronze IL'ite

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    The recent un-gentlemanly behaviour on the SCG provided a lot of fodder for the joke brigade in my Workplace.

    This joke was voted the best:


    To clarify any doubts visiting teams to Australia might have about the rules and the spirit of the game :)

    Notice to All Cricketing Nations visiting Australia. Teams MUST adhere
    to following new mandatory ICC code.

    1. Winning Rule
    NO VISITING TEAM should plan to win in AUSTRALIA. This is to ensure that
    the sportive spirit of cricket is maintained.

    2. Fourth Umpire Rule
    Ricky Ponting should be considered as the FOURTH UMPIRE. As per the new
    ICC rules, FOURTH UMPIRE 's decision is final and will over ride any
    decisions taken by any other umpires. ON-FIELD umpires can seek
    assistance from RICKY PONTING even if he is not on the field. Every
    visiting team should understand the importance of FOURTH UMPIRE .

    3. Amendment to Catching Rule
    While Australian Team is bowling, If the ball flies anywhere close to
    the Australian Fielder (within 5m distance), the batsman is to be
    considered OUT irrelevant of whether the catch was taken cleanly or
    grounded. Any decision for further clarification should be referred to
    FOURTH UMPIRE (specified above). This is to ensure that the cricket is
    played with SPORTIVE SPIRIT by all the teams.

    4. Integrity Rule
    While batting, Australian players will wait for the ON-FIELD UMPIRE
    decisions only (even if the catch goes to the FIFTH SLIP as the ball
    might not have touched the bat). Each Australian batsman has to be out
    FOUR times
    (min) before he can return to the pavilion. In case of THE CRICKETER
    WITH INTEGRITY, this can be higher.

    5. Sledging Rule
    All Australian players are eligible to keep commenting about all players
    on the field and the OPPONENT TEAM should never comment as they will be
    spoiling the spirit of the Australian team. Any comments made in any
    other language are to be considered as racist only.

    6. Match Referee's Code of Conduct
    Match Referee's decisions will be taken purely on the Australian Team's
    advices only. Player views from the other teams decisions will not be
    considered for hearing.

    7. Ricky Ponting Rule:
    If any bowler gets RICKY PONTING more than twice in a series, he will be
    banned for the REST OF THE SERIES. This is to ensure that Australian
    captain can play to break records and create history in the game of
    CRICKET.


    Cheers,

    Corallux
     
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  2. corallux

    corallux Bronze IL'ite

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    Voted the best Australian Joke of 2006


    A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
    He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
    Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
    The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
    'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
    The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
    He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
    The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
    the good news is.
    The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
    brought you your share.'
    He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
    'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
    'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
    pull her up again!

     
  3. corallux

    corallux Bronze IL'ite

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    Any person wishing to take up Aussie Citizenship now has to study for it. As usual the Joke-Brigade came up with a few questions they felt reflects the Aussie way of life:

    2007 Australian Citizenship test


    1.
    Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the a
    *se"?
    ___________________________________
    2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?
    ___________________________________
    3.
    Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
    ___________________________________
    4.
    Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
    __________________________________

    5.
    Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
    ___________________________
    6.
    Complete the following sentences:
    a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ...
    b) You're going home in the back of a ...
    c) Fair crack of the ...
    _________________________________
    7.
    I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
    __________________________________
    8.
    Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
    __________________________________
    9.
    Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
    __________________________________

    10.
    Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
    __________________________________
    11.
    What are the ingredients in a rissole?
    __________________________________
    12.
    Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
    __________________________________
    13.
    Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
    __________________________________
    14.
    In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
    __________________________________
    15.
    When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
    __________________________________
    16.
    What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
    __________________________________

    17.
    Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
    __________________________________
    18.
    Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
    __________________________________
    19.
    Who would you like to crack on to?
    __________________________________
    20.
    Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
    __________________________________
    21.
    Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
    _________________________________
    22.
    What does "sinkin piss at a mates joint and getten para" mean?
    _________________________________
    You may copy your mates answers, but you must have a pass rate of 50%




    All the best.
     
  4. corallux

    corallux Bronze IL'ite

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    A cricket match was in progress between the Aussies &

    Indians at Wankhede Stadium. Bal Thackrey was sitting
    in the balcony watching it. He's very happy that the
    Pakies are not there.

    Suddenly Sachin hits a sixer to McGrath and the ball
    lands up just Next to Bal Thackrey's seat. McGrath
    shouts, 'Hey! Gimme the ball.'

    Thackrey shouts back, 'Yey , Marathit bol.'

    McGrath doesn't understand a thing & repeats his
    statement. This gets The same reply from Thackrey.
    Now, a security official standing at the Boundary goes

    to McGrath & tells him, 'Sir, He is Bal Thackrey.'

    Now McGrath is excited, (he has heard about him) and
    shouts, 'OH! BALL TAK REY.'

    Bal Thackrey is happy and throws the ball back to him.



    Jai Maharashtra
     
  5. Mythraeyi

    Mythraeyi Silver IL'ite

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    That was funny - but I didn't get some of the questions in the citizenship test, though!
     
  6. corallux

    corallux Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for stepping in Mythraeyi.

    No one did.Hence these questions were scrapped!

    Regards,

    Corallux

     

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