At Loggerheads With In-laws Again

Thanks yellow mango. yes too much negativity, with all the words spilled!. I do want to send a reply to the email with all due respect, as to why they feel it is disrepectful, but knowing my husband wont want me to, I am refraining from doing so and giving it some rest.

 

I have gone through the same situation. we bought a house in my parents place (since my dad's friend was the builder and my dad was also in real estate , he got a good deal. he organized everything. Yet his parents did the grahapravesam. I was fine with that. she was so cheap that she didn't get a headcount of my dads friends who were invited and did not purchase a return gift for them while she bought only for her side. My dad bought for his friendswith his own money, though we were the ones sponsoring the event. That is her attitude. she just wants to show that she is the boys parents attitude!!. Then we bought another house , again they only did the function. So all along it has always been them!. So when do we get to do anything for ourselves?? Though irrelevant here, they took all the POA for both houses, and though my dad was fully taking care of one house , he had to send documents like rental agreement and everything for their approval..etc. See all this adds up

 

Ok. Point taken. I never fought for this and May be I am wrong.

Thank you for this explanation. Since this is our first time, I was a bit overwhelmed with the prices, But like I mentioned in my original post itself, I wasn't planning to fight for it. So am good with this too

This is not upananyanam function, Dont really know much about that function. In our function The parents and kids get equal role to play and for the kid it is done before a certain age. (i think before puberty) if we miss it we can do before his marriage, something of that sorts.. See my issue was then when do we get to invite people, we'd be doing the same in our kids lives, never letting them take lead.... This is following for generations, they can take lead only in their childrens lives, we in our childrens lives, and I see that is a reason for all the problems. when we try to break such traditions, it backfires.

my issue was, In the format we proposed, we did not omit them or anything like that. It is just a neutral one, including and giving importance to both sides of the family They are given the respect, but their issue is they should be the one inviting people and not including my parents name wherever their names are there (in two places, they want it only in one place not in the "thangal anbulla" part in the first page")

 

@yellow Mango, @malstorm @luckywife , Thank you for understanding my POV. @JAG @sokanasanah Thank you for bringing in the different perspective to this. Yesterday at the heat of the moment, I was so enraged at their email, and I still am angry at how they spoke about my parents and wanted to cancel this function. But now I am rethinking my options after reading all your responses. two options

1. Have two invitations printed. one as per their format for their relatives, and second the format we suggested for our relatives.
2. Or completely surrender to their wishes and make them happy and get it over with. Don't want any ill feelings around the function. like sokasanah said we need blessings and not curses. (sigh, the problem of being not too traditional and not too modern)

At this moment leaning towards the second option.

 

I proposed the first option to mu husband and he feels still they would feel disrespected among my relatives(they have hardly interacted with my extended family or know them) anyways I gave him the second option, and the guy who was grim the whole day, finally loosened up. he sent a mail to them saying, we are fine with whatever you decide. let us not discuss much about the function.we will come and take part" I did it for his sake, but like yellow mango said I do feel very bitter. why would they want to remove the importance of my parents!! who are they to dictate? anyways I am right now thinking how very little time I can spend in their house when I am there. not many options for that too...

I feel like I have no place to go to after my parents. will try and make this my last India trip though.

 

ok I want to share how I really feel after giving them what they wanted.
My husband is happy, like everything is normal or nothing really happened.(after such an emotionally blackmailing email)
In laws I heard are happy that they get to decide everything, (or rejoicing in defeating DIL or still keeping son under control, or all of that together)
My husband is spineless when it comes to his parents. Acting very normal after I said let them do as per their wish. Would he accept this if my parents were alive, and we said don't include your dead parents name.?.. Shallow selfish person.
In laws always competed and tried to establish their supremacy over my parents when they were alive. even after they are gone, they still continue and stoop so low, in not having their names?? (just cannot digest this I cannot forgive myself for giving in to this, but it will be just me who will be dealing with it. Another reason I gave in, so my son would not get affected from all the arguments that may arise form prolonging the issue) .

One does not deserve respect because they age, their actions should. They should be ashamed.
All this damage done just to boast among relatives, that they are the decision makers of the family? They can go to the extents of hurting their own son,just to keep their respect among relatives they hardly meet during occasions.

We do certain things to keep our sanity. But the resentment is growing. not that I will do anything to anyone because of it, but just want to let it out.... that I am hurting inside