Get this," said one drinker to his friends at the bar. "Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk." .......................... ......................................... It was the first day of classes at Stern College for Women of Yeshiva University, and I was waiting in my classroom for students in my public speaking course. Because of congestion in the elevators and room changes, several were still missing, and I thought I would talk with those present while we were waiting. "What have you learned so far today?" I asked. Some students raised their hands and told what they had learned. A-late arriving student took a seat, and I asked her the same question. "I haven't learned anything today; this is my first class," she said. "What time did you get up this morning?" I asked. "Very early," she replied. I told her that learning takes place beyond the four walls that surrounded us and asked what she had learned since she awakened. She sat silently for a moment and then jumped up. "I've just learned I'm in the wrong classroom," she said, as she made her exit. ..................... is son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His father bought him American Airlines. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want for your birthday, I shall get for you.." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." His father bought him Disney Studios. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish, I will get it for you." His son -- who had grown to love Disney -- replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit." His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news. ............................... ........................................... Ashok, a fresh computer graduate from a world-class University, goes for an interview in a [FONT=Lucida Grande, Trebuchet MS, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]software company. The interviewer is Sunder, a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Ashok is, `Are you good at logic?' `Of course,' replies Ashok. `Let me test you,' replies Sunder. `Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?' Ashok stares at Sunder. `Is that a test in Logic?' Sunder nods. `The one with the dirty face washes his face', Ashok answers wearily. `Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.' `Hmm. I never thought of that," says Ashok. `Give me another test.' Sunder holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?' `We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.' `Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.' `I didn't think of that!' says Ashok. `It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!' Sunder holds up two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?' `Each one washes his face.' `Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.' Ashok is desperate. `I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!' He groans when Sunder lifts his two fingers, `Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?' `Neither one washes his face', Ashok replies, `I have learnt this logic.' `Wrong, again. Do you now see, Ashok, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?'" .................................................A University student delivers a pizza to an old man's house. "I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man. "That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50 cents, I'd be lucky." The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's 5 dollars. What are you studying?" [h=1]"Applied Psychology," replies the student.[/h],,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years, he had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearance. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, he hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond n*ked, I'm here to feed the alligator." [/FONT]
Mother: Mary, why do you scream so much? Play quietly like Jack, he isn’t making a sound. Mary: It’s part of the game we are playing. He is daddy coming home late, and I’m you.” ** One woman to another: “Our bodies completely replace all of our cells every 7 years. Technically, the man I married no longer exists!” ** Life, is very complicated. When you have standards, people call it ATTITUDE. When you are simple, people try to CHEAT you. But when you cheat others, people call you SMART! ** [TABLE] [TR] [TD="colspan: 1"] When the mind is quiet, its whole angle of vision changes. From pouncing on the problems, it begins to perceive the chances, the good things in life. [TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD="colspan: 1"] MY DOCTOR... Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again. ~~~~~ He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese. ~~~~~ Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months. ~~~~~ While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him." ~~~~~ Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops." ~~~~~ One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked,"When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?" ~~~~~ I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it." ~~~~~ My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring." ~~~~~ Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later." ~~~~~ When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places. ~~~~~ You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner .................................. [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] Women before marriage - ! ! ! '' Aashiqui '' And after marriage - '' Aa-shakki! '' men Before marriage... ! ! ! talk about India, Pakistan, US, Israel, Phones, Cricket, Golf, Football, Sunny Leone... ! After marriage... ! ! ! men listen to their wives talk about their 'maids'! ......................................................
As a young lawyer working on my first big case, I was sitting in Federal District Court watching a prominent attorney question a witness. The attorney was trying, unsuccessfully, to elicit certain information. Finally the judge turned to the witness and asked a question that prompted the appropriate response. "Thank you, your honor," the attorney said. "How is it that you were able to get to the crux of the matter with one question after I had tried three times?" Replied the judge. "I'm not paid by the hour." ............................................................... A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NYC reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news, when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing and with whom?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it.".. ....................................... A mayor of a small town passed out pens imprinted with the message, "Got a gripe? Call the mayor." One morning the phone rang and his secretary answered it. "Who was that?" the mayor asked. "A citizen with a gripe," came the reply. "The pen you gave him doesn't work." ..................................................................... ."If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan.And guess what they have planned for you ? Not much."A boy was dating a girl who always hurt his feelings. One day, she broke up with him and stormed out of the house. Three months later, the girl had a change of heart. She realized that she really loved the boy, so she went back to him and said,“Give me one more chance. I love you and I need you. I will never hurt you any more .” But the boy just laughed and said, “Only a fool would take back someone who hurt them so badly …” The girl felt hopeless and began to cry,but the boy put his arms around her, hugged her tightly and said, . . . . .“And I guess I am one of those fools.” ?? ........................... Attachment is not when " two people Chat Day & Night..." Attachment is not when " two people can't live without each other...." Attachment is not when " two people can't stay away from each other even for a moment" Then what is ATTACHMENT...??? Still Thinking.... Its so simple man... Attachment is when some-one emails u and adds an Image or Data file with it That file is called Attachment... .................................... A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: “It is an uncrewed aircraft.” Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse. One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: “If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." That is called Confidence!!! ..................
As King and Queen were sitting in their palace one day, a fisherman who was selling fresh fish was brought in front of them. King decided to buy a fish and gave the fisherman 100 gold coins for it. The fisherman was overjoyed. He thanked King and left. Queen turned to her husband in anger and scolded him for paying so much for a fish. King let her have her say, but said that the fish was purchased and that there was nothing that could be done about it. However, the Queen was adamant and insisted that the fisherman be brought back. "We will ask the fisherman about the gender of the fish," she said. "If he answers that it is female, we will say that we wanted a male fish and if his response is that it is male, we will say that we wanted a female fish! Either way, we will be able to return the fish and have our money back." So the poor fisherman was called back and was asked the question. Fortunately, he was clever enough not to be caught out. He replied, 'The fish is neither male nor female. It is neutral.' King was so impressed by the ingenuity of the man that he ordered a further 100 gold coins to be paid to him. The fisherman thanked the King again but as he was about to leave with the heavy bag of money, one of the coins fell onto the floor. The fisherman immediately bent down to look for the coin. Queen was already upset that the fisherman had been given 200 gold coins. "Look how miserly this man is!" the Queen exclaimed. "One coin has fallen out of his bag full of money and he searches for it instead of leaving it for some other poor servant to find." The man heard this remark and said, "O Queen, it is not out of miserliness that I search for the coin but rather because it had the picture of generous King on it. I would not tolerate anyone to cause dishonor to the King by treading on the coin." The King was so happy with this response that he immediately called for another 100 gold coins to be given to the fisherman. When Queen saw all this, she thought it was better to hold her tongue and let the man go with the 300 gold coins before the King decided to increase the amount again. “Speech is an Art. If one knows what, when and how to talk then such a person will be successful in life. 'The beauty of man is in the clarity of his tongue'. In other words, a person's intellect and wisdom is recognized through his speech” .......................................... Sach Bolo Sukhi Raho.....!!! "Vijayalaxmi Pandit, sister of Jawaharlal Nehru, was once told that the Nehru-Gandhi family had made great sacrifices for the country. She retorted " Actually the Nehru-Gandhi family has got so much more from the country than it has given " So there you have it, from the mouth of one the biggest names WITHIN the Nehru-Gandhi clan. Two, a friend suggested to Modi that in order to get a visa to visit USA, he should marry an American woman. Modi replied: "No, no. Forty five years ago, an Indian married an Italian woman, and India has been paying the price of it even now". ......................A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!" Still nothing..... and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet." Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
[TABLE] [TR] [TH]"दहेज़ लोभियों को समर्पित" [/TH] [/TR] [TR] [TD]एक लड़का, लडकी देखने गया लड़की पसंद आने पर लड़के ने लड़की से कहा, "तुम तो मुझे पसंद हो" पर क्या तुम्हारे बाप कि हैसियत है मुझे कार देने कि.? इस पर लड़की ने सॉलिड जवाब दिया.! लड़की *मेरे बाप कि हैसियत तो तुम्हे एयरोप्लेन देने कि है पर क्या तेरे बाप कि हैसियत है एअरपोर्ट बनाने कि.* .. [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] .......................... Bada Ziddi Hai Dil Mera, Jab Bhi Daikhe Haseen Soorat, Machal Ke Mujh Se Kehta Hai Yahi LunGa, Yahi LunGa .. Dena Hai Yeh Dil Kisi Ko Daan Mein… Wah Wah.. Gaur Farmaiyega… Dena Hai Yeh Dil Kisi Ko Daan Mein… Yaaron… Hai Koi Mast Maal Dhyan Mein… Ki Daali Ne Daali Pe Nazar Daali Kisi Ne Is Par Daali, Kisi Ne Uss Par Daali Hamne Jis Par Nazar Daali Uske Baap Ne Uski Shaadi Kahin Aur Kar Daali Issi Baat Par Thoko Taali Ghar Se Jab Aaap Nikle Pehan Ke Reshmi Gown, Jaane Kitne Dilon Ka Ho Gaya Server Down…. Ki Bas Itna He Kaha Tha Meine, Ki Tere Pyar Mein Barson Se Pyasa Hoon Sanam.. Aur Usne Paani Ka Pipe Muh Mein Daalkar Moter Chala Di… Thoko Taali
....................... Man talking to his wife over the phone: “If they don’t have the cough syrup that tastes like mint kerosene, get the one that tastes like cherry motor oil” 2.BUCKET FULL The visiting minister was surprised when he went into the pulpit to find just one person in the congregation - an old farmer. He went down to him and said, "Is it worth proceeding?" "What do you mean?" said the farmer. "Well" said the minister, "is it worth having a service for such a small congregation?" "When I take the bucket of food to the hens and only one turns up I don't send it away hungry." Moved by this simple analogy, the minister went back to the pulpit and went through the whole service including a long and very forceful sermon. When he had finished he went down to the farmer and asked, "Was that alright?" The farmer rather tersely replied, "When I take the bucket to the hens and only one turns up I don't give it the whole bucket". .................................. A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing,looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field." ............... ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken? Witness : ! @ $ % # ............................................. Attorney : She had three children right? Witness : Yes Attorney : How many were boys? Witness : None Attorney : Were there any girls?? .............. Wife : Give me your phone for..... a second...Husband : Wait, let me switch it on and give youDelete VideoDelete PictureDelete Private FolderDelete NumberDelete SMSDelete outgoing CallsDelete Incoming CallsDelete MMSDelete WhatsappDelete BBMdELETEdELETEdELETEdELETEFormat Memory Card... HERE YOU GO, MOBILE IS SWITCHED ON wife : i just wanted to see the time......Husband : !!! O Heroine...!!!!ıltime puch bhi to sakti thi...
Puns for those with a slightly higher IQ. With her marriage, She got a new name and a dress. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, You get repossessed Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
