Ashamed Of Childish Behavior --- Screwed Things Up

I'm really ashamed of losing my temper when talking with my Mother few days back.

I was already upset about past events and the unfairness.

My Mother (as usual) said something sarcastic, but instead of having the strength to make a corney/childish joke (that is my coping mechanism), I got angry, screaming, "Why are you torturing me, I am your daughter, you treat me lower than a servant" (because she badmouths our family to others, and still takes my abusive ex's side, plus she contributed towards my miscarriage).

My screaming woke up my Dad who has sleeping problems, and I went to office with contorted face (had lollypop glasses to cover my face during commute)

My Mother won't talk to me (I'm actually glad), but now I do her share of the chores (she still does some stuff for me).

At night when I tell Dad "be well', he said "yeah right, you are not helping by losing your temperature".

It has been several days, and Dad especially is upset I lost my temper. He was trying to patch things up in our family and I said I smashed it. He asks what did I gain by getting angry and losing temper, toxic Mother will never change.

I am feeling very bad right now that I screwed things up and made things even harder for my Dad.

Honestly I wish I can move out. How would I help Dad day-to-day? And the rentals near my works are super high (even a studio is more than my take-home bi-weekly pay). Plus the more affordable areas are crime-ridden.

Just very upset. I screwed up.

 

I'll try to cheer up

 

Ok, at least I am getting peace by not hearing the nonsense talk.

Trying to make the most of my life

 

Initially my Dad never understood how toxic my Mother was till he was the target. Now he is actively trying to protect me (to best of his capacity)

If the gender roles were reversed, would I still be "surrogate spouse".

True, my Mother is happy my Dad is facing health problems, so someone has to step in.

Reason I ask for help "all over the place" is because the people on this forum are relatively polite and trustworthy (so far), have similar background, or at least can relate.


And no, I don't hate you.

 

If I could move, I would. I'm trying to bump up my skills so I can get better paying job and move elsewhere.

Also trying to make offline friends so things open up.

You seem more fired up that I'm taking care of Dad than I lost temper.

And my Mother is still so angry so even returned all the paintings I gifted her!