1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Article on how to deal with different types of difficult MILs

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by coollife, Jan 28, 2010.

  1. coollife

    coollife New IL'ite

    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Have a look at this

    Article from WOman's Day.

    Dealing with a Difficult Mother-in-Law

    Find out how to make peace with your husband’s mom


    <!-- MAIN IMAGE AND CREDIT --><!-- THE ARTICLE TEXT -->When a friendship or relationship gets difficult you can always end it, but you can’t exactly sever ties with your mother-in-law. So what’s a levelheaded woman to do when faced with a case of the crazies? Rather than flat-out ignoring her (or letting her walk all over you) consider the advice below from pros who have helped solve our trickiest mother-in-law run-ins. Their strategies will help you get through your next visit—without letting your mother-in-law get the best of you.




    Type 1: The “He’ll Always Be My Baby” Mother-in-Law
    What She Does: She drops by your home with his favorite casserole—plus, more for the freezer !—even though you know full well how to cook. She’s also been known to stop by with new T-shirts and socks a few times a year. (“Mama knows the kind he likes best!”)
    What You Should Do: This mother-in-law knows no boundaries, so it’s up to your husband—especially early in your marriage—to define them. Decide, as a couple, where and when you’d like to see her, whether it’s every Tuesday for dinner or every other Sunday for brunch, suggests Shirley Dudley, MA, LPC, a licensed marriage and family counselor in Charlotte, North Carolina. If she drops in unexpectedly, your husband should be prepared to “kiss his mom on the cheek and walk her to the door,” says Dudley. As for the unexpected gifts, keep what you like and drop off the rest at a local shelter.
    Type 2: The Too-Close-for-Comfort Mother-in-Law
    What She Does:She says that you are like a daughter to her, and announces it’s “mom” every time she calls—even though you prefer to call her Judy. Talks openly about family drama and her personal matters (“I have the best gynecologist!”), neither of which you care to hear about.
    What You Should Do: Keeping you close will keep her son close, too, is how this mother-in-law reasons. She also might be lonely. While the situation may be annoying, the good news is, you have the upper hand. Continue to address her in the manner you’re most comfortable with. You might go so far as to ask, “Who?” when she calls. After a beat, say, “Oh, Judy. I’m sorry. I thought you were my mother.” If she broaches topics you’re uncomfortable with, change the subject. She’ll soon realize the topics that hold your interest—and your interest in her—whether they’re current events or her rose garden or your new projects at work. “Eventually she will learn to interact with you in a less dramatic way,” says Dudley.




    Type 3: The Always Right Mother-in-Law
    What She Does:She tells you, “You should try doing things my way.” She doesn’t “get” the way you load the dishwasher. Or discipline your kids. Or wear your hair. And she lets you know she has “a much easier way” to do everything—every chance she gets.
    What You Should Do: An overly critical mother-in-law, like this one, likely has a poor self-image—or just likes to hear herself talk. Smile and thank her for her input, then carry on loading the dishwasher the way you like to load it. Outside of the task at hand, Eva Fogelman, PhD, a family therapist in New York City suggests praising your mother-in-law for the things you appreciate. “In the long run,” says Dr. Fogelman, “positive reinforcement will enhance her self-esteem.” If you rave about her apple pie recipe and ignore the rest of her commentary, she’ll learn the best way to get a reaction out of you is by doing something you appreciate.
    Type 4: The Bully Mother-in-Law
    What She Does:She says things like, “You must be busy at work—your house is a mess!” She’s the queen of the one-liners and the backhanded compliments, but she insists she was “only joking” if you get upset.
    What You Should Do: Her behavior should not be tolerated. You’ll need your husband’s support here. Either he can jump to your defense, or you can come up with your own retort, which he needs to enforce. When she criticizes your housekeeping, suggests Dudley, you might say, “You’re right. The house isn’t decent enough for guests. Could you come back another time?” while escorting her to the door. If this doesn’t work, your husband needs to take his mom aside for a serious talk. “He can explain how her seemingly harmless comments are quite rude and harmful,” says Dudley, “and warn her that when she starts with the one-liners, it will be time for her to leave.”




    Type 5: The Martyr Mother-in-Law
    What She Does:Everything she does—from returning a pair of slacks to walking the dog—is riddled with drama. She’s a master of one-upmanship. “You think you’ve had a bad day? Listen to this...”
    What You Should Do: She’s a classic drama queen. The most appropriate reaction is to create a little distance. “The way to ‘fix’ a drama queen is to ignore her—or at least ignore the drama,” says Mark Sharp, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Oak Brook, Illinois. Don’t share your problems unless you have time to hear hers. You can improve your relationship with positive reinforcement. “Give her plenty of attention when she’s behaving appropriately,” suggests Dr. Sharp.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2010
    Loading...

  2. deepshikha

    deepshikha Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Nice article I must say.

    But again it does not solve the problems of Indian marriages. In Indian marriages the basic problem is no support from husband. What Indian husband would show his Mom the door if she offends his wife with stupid comments??

    Indian marriages are a problem from within, the husband being immature.
     
  3. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    592
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Mine is the 5th kind ... Martyr. always portrays that she has sacrificed everything to raise her kids. her life is not at all bad, she lived well...
    DH got a big house, car, sends money every month for household expenses to his parents. Sends bulk amount for gifts, medical expenses etc ...

    So I really see through her drama and so does dh. As mentioned here, IGNORE is the gospel word.
     
  4. coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    I am glad I'm on the right track:)

    I believe my MIL belongs to the 5th. I maintain a great distance from her. I hardly interact with her.
     
  5. caligirl

    caligirl New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey coollife.....
    Thanq fr forwarding the article.:thumbsup
    Mine is a type 5 MIL !!
    I m going to implement the positive re inforcement part and see if it works.:cheers
     
  6. Godschild

    Godschild Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,306
    Likes Received:
    23
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Nice article!!

    Mine's of type 2.
     
  7. Sheenu

    Sheenu Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    10
    Gender:
    Female
    Mine of type- 3 and 4. She thinks she is perfect person in this world and she behaves with me in such a way to prove that I am a dumbo infront of her. But the truth is that she is sooooo much egoistic and arrogant. And If I decline to do work in her way, she yell at me and if I try to defend myself, she says - "how dare you to open ur mouth in front of me?". Sometimes my husband also feel bad for me, but he is totaly under control of my MIL :hide: and also want me to become her slave.
    God bless my MIL with good thinking and make our life easy...:-(
     
  8. barbies

    barbies Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Gender:
    Female
    Mine is type 1, thinking he should call her every single da[from US] to let her know what he's been doing..and the like.. Once in a while she even reminds everyone how she would wait for him from school by the gate !!
     
  9. adara

    adara Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    631
    Likes Received:
    31
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    My dh will walk me to the door instead,,,,:hide:
    I doubt how many Indian husbands can do that to their mom not because they love them more than wife but because of the fear of his mom/dad, relatives calling him 'henpecked'.

    My MIL keeps saying how she managed the household on her own and brought kids up with NO help from FIL and how cosister and I are lucky at least our husbands help in the kitchen sometimes. In Nov. when MIL was sick FIL cooked twice a day (MIL does not like having a cook even temporarily) and since maid took leave he used to wash the dishes. I never comment because it is none of my business how they are as couple. Don't get me wrong, it is just to cite an incident to let you know.
    One time during fall they were here and there were huge pile of leaves on the driveway and dh took the broom and was sweeping, she came in and said 'See if he needs any help, he is sweeping the entire path alone.'
    I said 'Oh! don't worry, he will ask for help if he needs'.
    I never told dh anything after that, I just ignore such things.

    She wanted me to run and grab the broom from his hand and do it myself. :biglaugh
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2010
  10. purnima22

    purnima22 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Mine is Type # 1. Always reminding my DH abt all the care she took when he was young.

    Also possessive...would like to be involved in our lives as much as possible.

    Chat for one hour on our week's activities.
     

Share This Page