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arranged marriage problem

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by meetasankhe, May 6, 2010.

  1. meetasankhe

    meetasankhe New IL'ite

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    hi ladies ,

    first of all I want to congratulate and appreciate you all for this forum. It feels so nice to know there is somebody out there who will hear you and help you.
    A big thanks for that.

    Well,now coming to my problem...
    its been five years we are married..have a 2 year old boy...we live in US.I feel my husband doesnt love me at all....from out side we are like any other couple having lotsa friends ..partying hard every weekend travelling to diff places whenever we get a chance.but from within I feel we are not happy couple..no intimacy..doesnt make love for more than 10-15 days sometimes..its just not that ...he never appreciates me for all that I do...never felt hes supportive or friend like...always criticising..de-motivating...we do fight a lot...never gets me any gifts.
    Once i was a confident working software engineer....but could not work after the baby..and became unattractive as I put on weight..now he keeps looking at other gals and keeps telling me you dont look nice..dont dress up nice n all.

    also to note hes a very good father to my kid......no restrictions on me..his parents are good...he starts missing me whenever I am not with him...n says he was eager to meet me..

    what should I do? I am not happy...feel lonely most of times..feel bad whenever I see my friends being loved so much by their husbands..ours was a arranged marriage...hes handsome by normal standards..but he thinks hes very very handsome ...n keeps saying his parents kinda forced him to marry me...to tell you the truth I had so many people proposing me when was working..his parents were after us till we said S...I always wanted to marry someone my parents approve..I reserved all my love for my husband...this is what I got...

    help me.........is there somehting I can do..or should I just over look these things for my kids sake?
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    My advise,

    buckle up,join gym,look for job,gain self confidence.

    His expression is recent one or he did tell you before.

    For anything,first gain your self confidence and some time ignore his comments and focus on yourself,kid and home.if possible find some job then see how things will go.

    My husband had a habit of criticising and de-motivating people.I struggle to find ways to over come every day.Once you have other things in control and his nature may effect you less.
     
  3. paddubala

    paddubala Silver IL'ite

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    Is your hubby very serious while commenting? sometimes he cud have said so that u'll make some improvement...
    mine was love marriage and i became stay at home mom once I had my kid...my hubby did use to comment that i can reduce my weight further,...but he meant it so that I can get better...I felt bad sometimes but in reality he just wanted good for me...now too he says my brain is rusting staying at home..it doesnt translate into him saying that Iam dumb...he has seen better part of me and is bit disappointed that am not using my full potential...

    I think you are just going thru postpartum process...do something u like and be the same way u used to be while working...come out of the shell and things wud defnly improve...
     
  4. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I think your husband does care about you. He misses you and cannot stay apart from you for very long. He is a good father. You do enjoy doing things together. These are all good signs. Sex twice a month may not be an ideal frequency especially for a young couple, but when there are other underlying issues involved the situation is not entirely hopeless either. Maybe your husband is guilty of nothing more than being a poor communicator. There are a lot of positives in your marriage.

    More than your husband I feel that you need to fall in love with yourself again. I sense self-esteem issues at play. If he complains about your weight and clothes, then do something about it. These are simplest things to change. Check out the weight loss threads here on IL. Join in with some of the members there and start taking simple steps towards getting healthier. If your child is old enough and you feel like it, try applying for jobs or find opportunities to volunteer.

    When you begin to feel comfortable in your own skin, it will reflect in your demeanor and your hubby will definitely notice the change. There is nothing more irresistible to a man than a confident woman who doesn't need his approval to feel good about herself.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
    Traveller likes this.
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Excellent post by Gauri.
    "When you being to feel comfortable in your own skin, it will reflect in your demeanor and your hubby will definitely notice the change."

    She has addressed all the issues of meetasankhe and each line has a lot of meaning. Nothing further to be added.
     
  6. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Gauri said it all! :bowdown

    Do not feel unattractive. As Gauri says get comfortable with your body.
    Giving gifts is just a gesture and most of the time a habit. Some has that habit. some doesn't. Even for some who does give gifts, when there are fights, gift giving takes a back seat naturally. Do not gauge his affinity based on that. He misses you when you are not around. Isn't that a big plus?! May be you and your DH are lost in parenting.. discover yourself and he can be easily found then.

    He might have thought that his comments and comparisons (though wrong) might motivate you to get back in shape. Whatsoever, what is the harm in getting motivated.. start exercising few mins a day, you can get back your body.

    Now onething of concern: you say, "n keeps saying his parents kinda forced him to marry me..." In what context does he say this? as a joke? in fight? was he provoked? when did he start saying that?
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
  7. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    If I have to be bold about the bedroom stuff, I would say:

    Ask not what you received in the bedroom but ask what you did to ratchet it up a little! :) (and that answer better not be I gave him a great dinner!)

    You get my drift! Just gaining weight and stuff happens, but you can spice up your life! Think different, think bold, and kill the monotony and being predictable!

    And one more thing, the couples you are comparing with, they may not be cool themselves. All that glitters is not gold!

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
  8. coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

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    Oh Please please ....stop comparing with those friends...
    Most of the times You cannot judge the love between a couple by looking at how the carry themselves when they are with friends/family...They may look lovey-dovey on the outside but they may have their own issues...
    I say this with tons of experience.
    Most recent: My hubby has a very close friend of his who got married around the same time we did. That guy pampers his wife like anything, they are always very much into PDA, always holding hands, kissing etc etc, praising how lucky they are to have got married, yada yada
    Fast forward 2 yrs...I came to know through my friend that the guy is very controlling ..just because his wife has an EAD through him and works at the same client..he treats her like a slave at home..Controlling even the food she eats because he wants her to be zero size like Kareena. Well his wife has achieved the zero size but she had a mis-carriage recently due to health issues...The gyno. advised her to eat good food but the husband refuses to let her eat what she wants...Pure torture !!!
     
  9. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Hi

    As a mother of 2 kids and having gone through this self-doubting phase after every delivery, I think you either do not have time for yourself or are not motivated enough to not just be a mother but also a woman and a wife, lover etc., etc., Change in physical appearance, losing self-confidence all stems from that. some of us tend to take motherhood rather too seriously. I did and came out of it. Some men who do not express very well will also not tell the wife openly what has changed in them. Gauri has said it all... good luck!

    Latha
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Excellent observations. I wanted to quote the whole post, in fact! Gauri's post does say it all. In particular, "you need to fall in love with yourself again".

    OP, what you have described happens in 95% of marriages some time or the other. In such cases, the woman needs to:
    -take charge of herself
    -stop talking too much about day to day issues to DH
    -find a girlfriend to dump on and spare DH sometimes
    -take a little bit of interest in how she looks & dresses
    -be creative and daring in the bedroom
    -relax and not sweat the small stuff

    Overall, be a happy person everyone wants to be around. It is quite doable and the dividends are high. Once the steps are in process, not only husband, but everyone else will also notice the difference and comment.
     

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