1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Are you a Doormat?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ria2006, Jan 17, 2008.

  1. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Martha Beck has put together a checklist for you to determine where you rank on the "doormat" scale.

    Do the following statements pertain to you? Answer true or false.
    1. I lie about my feelings if the truth might upset someone.
    2. I want people to sense it when I've hit my limit, without my having to say anything.
    3. I go blank when asked what I want, like, or think.
    4. My "to do" list includes things I don't have to do, and things I don't want to do.
    5. I eat, cry, smoke, or drink when I'm angry.
    6. I sometimes feel quite drained; I explode at my loved ones and then feel terrible about it.
    7. I feel panicky about the thought of someone disliking or disapproving of me.
    8. I feel virtuous when I override my own needs or wishes to please others.
    9. I feel resentful while doing things for other people.
    10. I complain about other people's needs and demands when they aren't present.
    If you answered true to one of these statements, you need to work on that particular action and reaction.
    If you answered true to four or more of these statements, you are definitely a "doormat."
    You need to work on saying "No"!


    Don't Be A Doormat!

    Life coach Martha Beck says that every woman in the country is socialized to act like a doormat. It doesn't have to be that way!
    Checklist: Are you are a doormat?
    Quick Tips
    Martha says that there is a way to learn to say "No," and that even the biggest doormat can change her ways. Here's her advice to cure the disease to please.
    Find Time for Yourself
    Schedule time away from your job, your partner and your children. Use this opportunity to tune in to what you want and need. Don't feel that you're being selfish; you have a responsibility to yourself to take care of your needs.
    Buy Time
    The next time you're asked to do something, don't answer right away. Say, "Let me think about it," or "I have to take care of something right now. I'll call you back and let you know." This will give you time to evaluate the situation and decide if it's something you truly want to do.
    How to set personal boundaries.
    Practice Saying "No"
    For many women, saying "No" doesn't come naturally. But practice makes perfect, so start now! In choosing your responses, remember the K.I.S.S. principle: Keep It Short and Simple. You can try it in the mirror, or even walk around the house saying it. Get used to hearing yourself say the word, and then you'll be ready to use it with other people!

    For Your Health
    Dr. Nancy Snyderman, medical correspondent for Good Morning America, once suffered from the need to please—until she realized her health was in danger. Having the courage to say "No" is a commitment to your health and will likely save your life.
    It's Bad for Your Body

    The emotional build-up of not being able to say "No" increase your stress hormones, such as adrenaline.

    Your heart can beat faster than normal.

    Your blood pressure will rise and blood vessels narrow, eventually becoming a problematic condition.

    Dr. Snyderman says these conditions "increases your risk of heart attack, stroke, cancer—all the things that can put you in an early grave."
    The "Stew and Chew" Theory
    "In the old days, when we were primal and chased by wild animals, there was a fight or flight syndrome," Dr. Snyderman says. "You stood and fought, or you ran away. Those stress hormones allowed you to escape danger. We don't do that anymore. We sit at our desks doing very sedentary things, and as we give too much of ourselves, we sit there and we fret and worry. We reach for potato chips and everything unhealthy. We stew and we chew, and we don't feel good about ourselves."
    Saying "Yes" to You

    If you think you're stressed, take time for your physical self! Go run up and down a few flights of stairs or take a quick walk. Dr. Snyderman says, "It will help release those primal hormones that are always in your body and make you feel better about yourself!"

    Evaluate the relationships in your life. Dr. Snyderman asks: Are you at the service of people that are only "takers" and give you nothing back? "One day, you'll wonder why you're all spent, because you have nothing left!"

    Make it your responsibility to put yourself first sometimes. "That's not selfish, that's self-preservation," Dr. Snyderman says. "You'll have more to give people when you want to. When you have nothing left for yourself, and you have anger, you'll have that stress."
     
    Loading...

    Similar Threads
    1. paramlav
      Replies:
      51
      Views:
      2,224
    2. paramlav
      Replies:
      52
      Views:
      2,686
    3. ilovesai
      Replies:
      20
      Views:
      4,102
  2. Maneesha

    Maneesha New IL'ite

    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Ria,

    This article is too good. It is high time when we should start putting these things in partice. I too belive that journey is from inward to outward. If you are happy,satisfied and stress free you will be able to make people around you happy, satisfy and stress free (Though it is exactly opposite to our culture which asks putting others ahead than self..But few things should keep on changing as per the situation, as this makes things stinky).


    Cheers!!!
    Maneesha :iagree
     
  3. ramyanand

    ramyanand Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    881
    Likes Received:
    94
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Very gud article!!
    TFS ria
    Cheers
    Ramya
     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello Maneesha and Ramya,

    I am happy that you folks liked it. I think with changing and demanding life styles this makes lot sense. Thanks for reading it.

    Cheers
    Ria
     
  5. nadhi1

    nadhi1 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: Are you a Doormat?-a few self-help tips

    Here are some tips on behaving assertively:
    1. Keep what you want to say clear and to the point. Avoid long explanations.
    2. Look at the other person, stand (or sit) upright and keep a calm tone of voice.
    3. There's no need to apologise if you feel you are in the right.
    4. Be polite but firm.
    5. Try to relax, rather than becoming angry.
    6. Know the facts relating to the situation and have the details to hand.
    7. Be ready for - anticipate - other people's behaviour and prepare your responses.
    8. Prepare and use good open questions.
    9. Re-condition and practice your own new reactions to aggression (posters/ fridge magnets can help you think and become how you want to be - display positive writings where you will read them often - it's a proven successful technique).
    10. Have faith that your own abilities and style will ultimately work if you let them. Non-assertive people are often extremely strong in areas of process, detail, dependability, reliability, finishing things (that others have started), checking, monitoring, communicating, interpreting and understanding, and working cooperatively with others. These capabilities all have the potential to undo a bully who has no proper justification. Find out what your strengths and style are and use them to defend and support your position. The biggest tantrum is no match for a well organised defence.
    11. Feel sympathy for those who try to walk all over you (the bullies) - they actually need it.
    12. Read inspirational things that reinforce your faith in proper values and all the good things in your own natural style and self.
    Remember:

    Broken Record" – staying focused and repeating your request without becoming sidetracked by irrelvant arguments.
    Positive self talk – encouraging yourself to be more assertive through positive conscious affirmations.
    Objectivity – seeing the situation from the "big picture" to avoid getting emotionally hooked into frustration and pointless justification of your request.
     
  6. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Wow Very Nice tips. :cheers
    I sure find them pretty much head on. Thanks for sharing. I would love to hear more from you..
    Ria
     
  7. hydgrr

    hydgrr Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    807
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Nice articles Ria and Nadhi
    -Priya
     
  8. Diya 08

    Diya 08 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Ria,
    Wonderful points to be noted, Thanks for sharing.Yes, I have certain things to be changed.For the fear of displeasing family members, I often supress my feelings and keep doing things for them.I get hurt sometimes, still I react positively out of my love for them.We should act in such a way that our help or feeings for them are respected.Many times, we are taken for granted..
    Love
    Diya
     
  9. Diya 08

    Diya 08 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi nadhi,
    Very useful tips,...infact lessons.Thanks for sharing.
    Love
    Diya
     
  10. nini82

    nini82 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All,
    I would like to elaborate this topic
    Being a doormat is disillusioning. We human beings have to feel something and experience it on a deep, deep level before we are shook up enough to really get the message of change.
    Perhaps Doormat behavior really signifies a misplaced trust in power in all of its forms--power over the self and others, power of others to help us in some way. when the gods created the earth,they looked for a place to hide power because they realized it was a possibly dangerous force that might be found and used in a destructive fashion.

    Both career and personal outlooks brighten in later life when the child learns to make decisions, learn from them and correct mistakes. But when childhood power drives are filtered through anxiety and fear, the result is social control and manipulation. This type of control robs people of self esteem.

    Doormats have generally learned to give their power away or use it in a passive aggressive fashion. It is something they have learned growing up in a 'closed' family system. A closed system is one where energy is spent in trying to keep things from changing. In this kind of home environment, one or more members bent on maintaining the status quo, help keep the power structure off balance. Since communication often promotes change and change and threatens the status quo, closed family systems do things by unspoken agreement. Them that has the power keeps it. This arrangement allows dependence on alcohol, drugs, abuse or out of control sexual needs to flourish.
    Closed systems prevent problem solving, personal growth and moving forward. The family motto becomes 'Don't rock the boat.' Individuals who grow up in closed systems do not get their early emotional and psychological needs met and often develop compulsive, dysfunctional behaviors as a result.

    Doormats often have an excess of apologizing for small discomforts. Those who are around Doormats often recognize their submissiveness and begin to take control of the situationGiving in to others is consistent with closed family systems which teach manipulation and submissiveness rather than straight communication. Letting other walk over you is learned in households where adults have used becoming hurt as a technique of discipline and control: 'If you don't do what I say, I'll be hurt and disappointed in you.' Children from such systems learn to keep quiet and be the good kid.' They learn the basic rules of dysfunctional families: 'Don't talk, don't trust and don't feel.' When they transgress these family rules and speak out, they feel guilty. They go through life ruled by the guilt that they have internalized.

    In an open system, energy is spent in promoting change, and there is a balance of power. There are checks in place to keep the power from going out of balance. Keeping everything fixed and stable is not as important as the growth and development of all individuals. The open system provides increased energy that transforms itself into something new. Individuals are treated with love, respect and concern. Family members are encouraged to be productive and grow.
    The good new is that one can always cash in one's Doormat status in exchange for self-respect. But this requires letting go. If the attachment is to an addicted partner, letting go may mean allowing the other person to hit bottom and seek professional help. Negative energy from abusive relationships must be released in order to allow the power of the other person and to unfold.
    When we get a clear understanding of the misuse of power in relationships, we can work to clean up our system.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2008

Share This Page