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Are women born to accept everything?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pingpong, May 20, 2010.

  1. pingpong

    pingpong Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Friends,
    I am relatively new to this forum. I read most of the day to day problems posed by fellow ILites.
    I have a question running in my mind. For every problem posed by a female ILite, fellow ILites give suggestions like accept who your husband is, try to be patient, try to be good with your inlaws (though your husband is not good at his inlaws), try not to get into frequent fights, be calm, be patient, try to understand him, accept him as a package etc.
    Why is that the onus is always on women and not on men? Is it because of our culture, our past tradition.... Women are equally pampered in their parent's house, they are equally educated, equally employed, then why is that women should always be patient listeners. Why doesnt this hold good for men too? Why is that a woman should always end up cooking after coming back from a busy office schedule?
    Is there a chance that things might change in future? I accept the responsiblity a woman owns in nurturing the family. However, I feel the responsibility should be on both partners in a marriage. Whatever holds good for us should also hold good for them.

    Please pour in your thoughts!!
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2010
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Basically this is a womens form and we only hear the womens problems and we don't get hear men problems often here.
    People only post who has issue.People whoever in happy marraige won't post every day moments here.
    When one person looking for some help,IL's don't aggregate the issue more by adding more fuel to the problem.
    That's why ask women to be patient and all other stuff to work on her marriage instead of break her marriage.

    Just my thoughts.
     
  3. archana2008

    archana2008 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi PingPong,
    No human is 100% perfect.
    For few things it is better to be loving, caring except when there is any violence mental or physical involved.
    Think of women as Godess. She gives lots of love and caring to us.
    But when it comes to preventing evil Godess Durga, Mahakali they are not calm.
    when you want good from husband, you should also accept few bad things in them.
    as we are also not 100% perfect..
    Why is that the onus is always on women and not on men? --> not true. there are few men who suffer too.
    why is that women should always be patient listeners. --> i am very hyper, my husband is rather a very good listener. so this is not true in all the cases.
    Why is that a woman should always end up cooking after coming back from a busy office schedule? --> not correct. atleast i dont do this and am sure many working women dont accept this. WE have to pull the line. if i can do this then yes or else i cannot do that.
    Is there a chance that things might change in future?--> WE are changing :) and have changed a LOT compared to our ansestors. Change is the only thing that is constant in life..
    Whatever holds good for us should also hold good for them. --> you are talking more like HUM TUM movie.. you me .. it is not like that.. it is US together.. where there is love all these things should not matter.
    if our child is not 100% perfect, does not come first in the class do we not accept him the way he or she is. and still give love. if your kid cannot come first in the class do you not love him.. then why expect that husband also will be like shahrukh in movies.. we all have flaws, we ladies can promote love, share love.. Just spread it :)
     
  4. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear pingpong,

    Most ILites give good advice based on situation. Also I don't think anyone wants women to be doormat. If she is being one...some fault lies with her as well.

    If she wants help...she needs to ask for it or hire a maid. Thats just my opinion.

    FL
     
  5. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    OP,

    Though what you say may be happening early in the marriage. Eventually (in many cases) roles reverse and it's the guys who accept everything though at different level and many times they don't even know it!:)

    Don't see it as win-lose game. Sometimes even great generals lose a few battles in order to win the war!

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2010
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Yeah it is true. But like Priya said, we only hear the women's problems. If men open up and talk about how their wives are bullying them and their FOO then we can arrive at conclusions.

    Also as Sarma said, the initial years are tough and after that the wife gets some footing in the marriage and dictates terms. I have seen that a lot too.

    But women are taken for a ride in general in the Indian marriage system because they are the ones who are affected more if the marriage is broken.Men usually move to the next marriage while woman has to balance kids, work, societal stigma etc.So woman and their FOO tend to adjust more than men and their FOO.
     
  7. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    I also find the "adjust, adjust, adjust" advice rather puzzling. It seems only logical to me that when two people are in a relationship that needs work, one person can't do all that work herself. Both partners need to be active, willing participants in saving a relationship. Otherwise, a woman becomes nothing more than a chameleon or a doormat, willing to do anything to keep the peace and satisfy her man, including losing herself.
     
  8. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Yep 100% agree with you. It's a 2 way street. you can't do all the giving as a woman without expecting anything in return.

    Also I see that many men, including my DH have made adjustments as the marriage progresses. Yes, I have made 70% of the adjustments, and he only 30% but given his socio-economic background (indian middle class only son) that is quite acceptable to me.
     
  9. kainaath

    kainaath Senior IL'ite

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    hi pingpong...im replying to this thread without reading the other post...so incase i repeat sumthing said earlier...plz excuse me.
    i think the reason why woman is always considered to understand the situation is maybe because she the so called bharatiya nari who considers her husband as GOD, and GOD nvr makes mistakes.
    In today's time where women are treated equally, at par with men in every field, i dont think the same rule should be applied.
    Men also need to assess the situation, need to apologies incase it is their mistake and need to take ful responsiblility in the relationship, let it be of the house or the kids.
    Just like house wife, there are many men in india too who are house husbands and its the women who are the bread winners and are donning the pants.....so gone are those days where a woman should be treated like a doormats and just a mate in bed.

    But is our society ready for this change????
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2010
  10. pingpong

    pingpong Senior IL'ite

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    I still doubt if our society is ready for this change. When a woman voices her opinion loud and clear, its said that she thinks too much of herself. And if she is an earning member of the family, this label sticks to her forever.
    I have a personal experience on this. My husband is 3 months elder to me and ours is a love marriage. Right before marriage, I am used to call him by name and call him as po - va (in Tamil) Thoo - Thum (in Hindi).
    My inlaws made a big issue out of it, saying that I call my husband like that just because I am educated and I am an earning partner. They called my husband and complained that I dont respect him. This triggered a fight between me and my husband. Recently, during my husband's India trip, they said bad about my parents. When I questioned my FIL (on phone) as to why did he comment about my parents, he says that I think too much of myself and hence keep questioning everyone.

    I just have one final thing to tell my husband and inlaws - Respect and love for a man or woman should be in the innerself. Unless a person is not verbally abused (by using harsh words), I dont see a reason to show respect in terms of ponga - vanga (Tamil) and aap (in Hindi). They can no longer abuse our parents and still expect us to give a deaf year.
     

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