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Are We Completely Blameless?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by satchitananda, Sep 2, 2015.

  1. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    Awesome thread satchi! Like always you started a interesting thread .I have been silent reader of this thread but was not getting courage to post as I feel now a days on IL the trend is more to bash :(
    I firmly believe that in any relationship it takes two to tango. It is specially true with in laws, if the relationship is good it is not only because the dil is good or mil is understanding but because both of them want it to work out.
    I honestly have a good realtionship but there have been few ups and downs. One thing which was a lesson was when I was pregnant and had baby.my mil was very caring and did her best and when the baby was born and they came to visit they got lots of things and gold for baby but no gift for me.I dont usually bother so much about these things but at that time my grandmother and some aunties started saying oh they dont love you, they love grandchild more. Hearing it again and again brainwashed me and I resented my mil, I would think they just bother about my child. Then reading all that stuff on I'L and listening to friends I was sure in laws are not mine and I was the one who made this I versus them in my mind. I never said anything and the relationship was good but there was no warmth as before. I was very affectionate and huggy huggy kinds and now I was but reserved. Everyone observed it and mom told me not to think like that.I would call my mom more to ask for anything related to baby , when they came for baby's naming ceremony I would leave baby wiyh my mom only , my mom was mad and told my mil would take better care of baby than her but I did not trust.when she would take the baby I felt she will separate my baby and me. . See it was I versus them.then I got sick.nothing serious but handling baby and work was too much and mom could not come and my mil was called.she not only took care of the baby but also cared so much for me.simple things like making my favourite stuff. Over the time I felt I was so wrong.she was really trying to help me and was so kind. On my part I was going to destroy the relationship due to my immaturity but thankfully my mom and mil were patient and did not react when I was bit rude , in fact my mom had a talk with my husband saying she was not liking my behavior and was feeling bad and my sil told its ok and to give me some time as I was getting insecure and all that emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy and child birth was too overwhelming, I am so thankful for her wisdom and tact in handling the situation, she also felt it was wrong that they did not follow my traditions .if the relationship had turned sour I was not completely blameless. I know for my in laws their son and grandson will be always more dear than me but then the truth is for me also my mom is more dear no one can come close to her love. But one more thing is in my family we all have a kind of feeling that we are a part of each others life , if we have positive realtionship it is good for everyone. My sil always says I have enough of drama in my inlaws life so I want a good and drama free relationship with you. I have seen when I am loving and kind towards them I have a kind of inner peace but if I am pretending to be nice I have this feeling of somethings is not right. I have also learnt that my husband will be always mine but he is also a son and a brother and any man who is nice and mature will learn to strike a balance.
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey cutemonster, so good to see you. Been a long, long time. Am so happy you shared your experience here. This was just the kind of stuff that I was trying to bring out. Yes, there are evil pil, there are also evil dils, but I suppose a lot of the time neither is evil but just very insecure or hurt about something. That leads to a snowballing effect if we are not alert and react in a hurtful manner. What I want to bring out is that we need to reflect on which category of the above 3 alternatives our situation fits into. If there is any hint from our conscience that we need to rethink and modify our approach and attitude, why not? Analyzing one's own actions only makes us better people with passage of time. It is not an exercise in fault finding and executing the guilty!

    You are truly blessed with a family which is a 'normal' one with people who are capable of thinking and acting accordingly. Am really happy for you. :-D
     
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  3. Anvitha

    Anvitha Moderator Staff Member Gold IL'ite

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    nice thought provoking thread.

    my experience as follows

    In the beginning they never used to follow any customs or traditions saying we are not god believers and no very modern educated and communists etc etc

    later when the same situation arrives wherein we have to do something i was just in an impression that they don't really believe and care about the custom but iam wrong.they used make a real mess out of it in our relationship

    so I realized very lately hat they don't do but expect.

    Now a days i started ignoring their actions and started doing all formalities without being calculative.

    recent example thing is they dint even attended my fathers funeral and never payed a visit to the hospital even if it is 2 km away from their residence saying they might get infections from hospitals.

    though it is hurting me inside i attended them for their sickness next time keeping dh in mind who just took care of my father in his last days like a caring son.
     
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  4. Priyankitha

    Priyankitha New IL'ite

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    Hi rihana,
    I completely support u bcz I lost dat freedom at our home .. :(
    I got married two years ago n within no tym , now I have an 8 months baby girl.. My dreams shattered. My hubby is a shy type..he don't even know cute cute romances which I would like to do, he used to feel shy if anyone see us or hear us like dat.. I just completely fed up with this kind of behaviour.. Now with just 1 yr -8 months marriage life, I feel like it is 10 yrs + marriage life. I don't know what to do n what not to do..am in a frustration on whom to show it..if I say openly also, he don't even care for dat nor react on dat..he just escapes from dat by convincing me with sweet words. :(

    Priya.
     
  5. Priyankitha

    Priyankitha New IL'ite

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    Dear joyoflife,

    I read ur message fully and I crossed the first n second stage of urs in just 1 yr-8months of my marriage life period..in dat period also I am blessed with 8 months old baby girl.
    I don't want my hubby to be a sandwich BTW my mil and me bcz evrytym I get accused by my mil, I feel frustrated and accuse my hubby bcz of bringing me into dis home.. There are several reasons behind my frustration which I would like to share with you..
    1. My hubby no doubt he is a mother pet.. Doesn't matter when it wouldn't cut ur freedom.
    2. Am from a brahmin-andhra family. Married to same caste guy. BT problem is dat being a software guy, he neglects all family customs, traditions n sentiments. He try to override his opinion in others. He never respected my parents opinions on family customs n traditions. If it is from his mother side, forcibly he does it for his mother happiness.
    3. My mil show over caring on my hubby, not letting me to feed food to my hubby. She only want to feed by mixing rice with curry,dal,curd or anything n gives him spoon to eat which irritates me evrytym .
    4. My hubby to cautious in spending money even for an outing. After our marriage in this 20 months marriage period, hardly v went out for 4 movies and 2 outings for shopping with family.. Dat 4 movies possible bcz of my father as convinced my hubby to go out , if not now then @ old age it will not b possible to spend tym happily, he said these words to hubby.
    4. My mil , if she needs to follow certain tradition only then she asks her son of dat otherwise would not open her mouth to support me or my parents or anyone.
    5. My mil doesn't hv a close relationship with my fil. They both live separately in our home n also she don't like his presence too..reason I askd my hubby he told me dat with few small prbs they both separated like with underarms sweat smell after coming from office by bus to home, reading newspaper for more tym daily morning , like these problems.
    6. She don't even let me talk to my fil. She secretly peep from the corner of our hall room wen v hv a general talk. She restricts me indirectly by passing orders to my hubby dat I shud nt wear nighty out if our bedroom, not to wear silk sarees , not to leave my hair loosely after headbath, should wear chunnu / duppatta on my dress to cover myself by being exposed to my fil ( am a slim girl not with heavy breasts also ) even though she is very insecure d and tortures me daily this way.
    7. I should not cook on my own way in particular dish.. I shud ask her permission before cooking to use a dish . by the way I hv an exp of 8 yrs in cooking. BT I hv to follow her rules n procedures only to cook. If I follow on my own, she interrogates me with many qs.
    8. My mil cooking doesn't tastes dat much yummy. It's OK OK. It's not my opinion tooo..it's others opinion too. BT then my hubby got used to eat only fry recipes of potato, bendi n dondakaya,chamadumpa. Dats it. He don't want to taste any other veggies. After marriage , its been hard to get accustomed to dis family habits. After tasting my cooking , he started eating other veggies too.
    9. She interfered in our personnel matter to not to disturb my hubby for luv making. If he wants only I shud accept it seems..on my own I shud not initiate it .
    10. She want only baby boy as her grand children BT not baby girl in my pregnancy. She used to chant with baby boy , baby boy...after my delivery she not at all showed interest in my baby girl to see. On her family ceremony also she not at all happy, after days passing, I started looking for my mil come to my mother's home to see her grand child. BT dat was not happened. Evrytym I ask reason to my hubby, he used to say sum kakbull stories abt mil.
    9. Now she want my baby girl to be with her all the tym. I dont know how dis happened suddenly such a great actor she is to score good marks from her son ( my hubby).
    10. My hubby taking me to office along with him leaving my baby with my mil at home.. I don't want to go to office. But everyday he will tell sum reason to cum to office and convinces me. Everyday I cry before going to office for leaving my baby at home. Bcz my baby not able to eat properly as she is not able to see me in office. Due to dat she lost weight.. To my good luck, my hubby was out of station for 5 days n I was at home only to look after my daughter. In dat 5 days she got some cheeks n Gained few grams of weight. After seeing dat also there is no change in my hubby mindset.he just blindly taking me to office by leaving my baby at home with my mil. I don't know what to do..sumtyms I feel like I shout out loudly by saying I won't com u go..my baby my baby...what's wrong? Is it in me? Or in whom? No answer ..frustration, dilemma n worry. Dis is my current mindset.. Almost everyday from few months.. Some tyms I feel like I want to go away from him..BT can't go due to love on him. :( what to do?


    Priya.
     
  6. mehtaradhikam

    mehtaradhikam Senior IL'ite

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    I got married at 22 and my DH was 27. My DH lost his mother at the age of 10, so my FIL was the one who raised three children on his own. I thought before marriage that after my marriage I will give my FIL some rest from housework and cooking.

    But he has developed my image as someone who is proud and rude girl. He blamed on the night of my marriage of stealing two spice pouches, then he didn't spoke with me till we got and returned from our honeymoon. After returning he said me no to go in kitchen and said I stole my MIL's old sarees.

    He didn't allowed me to eat whole day and cooked only what he likes to eat in less quantity for DH and himself. I didn't took any of this my heart and trusted in GOD that FIL will change and will see my good intentions. Then suddenly after 6 months of my marriage, he took all the furniture and household things to his village house and challenged me that he will how I manage home and do housework. I took it in good manner.

    FIL used to visit us every week for three days, I did all his work, fed hime without any questions and never replied when he got angry, as my parents have taught me not to reply him back as he has faced so many difficulties in raising kids alone.
    I kept my quite, usd to cry a lot in front of my dear hubby, he supported me and said that papa is controlling house since last 18 years, so he will like this. And I thought at 22 I have some strong opinions about lifestyle, then papa is much older than me, he cannot change.

    Today after 4 years of my marriage, my FIL takes pride in saying that I am his second daughter, I talk with him more than I talk with my father. He listens to me, guides me in tough times, though we are living in different cities, he has helped us so much in every manner.

    I am thankful to god, as things have started from worst and now is best.
     
  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Am so happy that things worked out for you. It is not easy to keep one's cool in the face of false accusations or when one is treated unfairly and badly.
     
  8. mitamishra

    mitamishra New IL'ite

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    Hey...as i m very new to this site but i found above thread is very interesting . i think with in laws ,everyone has same problems..mine also very same.
    But after 15yrs of my marriage , i m realising that now i m handling every problem very easily and confidently. Actually nothing changed with my in laws behaviour but i changed myself little bit and everything has changed.
    As i had a intercast love marriage and my parents are not supportive i intially faced so much problem. I hv so much problem with my husband and with in-laws that for four years i went to depression. No medicine ever cured depression. Because it is not a disesase .....It's our insecured feelings , low confidence and high expectations that cause depression.
    One day what happened I didn't know i threw all d medicines and want to live my life in my terms n conditions. I took my hobbies as my profession and luck also supported me a lot. My confidece was so low at that time ..if someone praised me in something i started crying because in my in-laws side and from my parents side, i never got any praised for anything. They behaved with me as i m useless.

    first i stopped emotinal expectation from my husband . I started to do my every work in my own. I simply followed a rule " if u behave me good ,I treat u as a king, If u behave me bad , i don't know who r u"... same rule with my family, friends and in-laws also. If someone unnecessarily behaved wrong with me i stopped talking with them immediately. I never show anger also to them. I remain silent. Now my mother-in-law is staying with us but she thought twice before saying a wrong word to me. After 7yrs practice i found this rule helped me a lot to found back my self-esteem. my husband also changed his behaviour towards me.
    We never expect others to change but we hv to change ourselves according to situation. In my childhood I was a very soft spoken emotinal girl who want to enjoy her life with her family and friends. Everyone used to tell that i m like water. I will adjust according to people and with surroundings. But now i m not adjusting with anyone ..i just simply enjoying my life with everyone.....i always thankful to god for this life.
     
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  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    So happy for you Mita. Adversities sure make us strong. So proud of the way you pulled yourself up and took your happiness in your own hands!
     
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  10. mitamishra

    mitamishra New IL'ite

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