Are We Completely Blameless?

satchitananda · Sep 7, 2015

Duplicate post. Please delete.

satchitananda · Sep 7, 2015

Certainly everybody makes mistakes as nobody is perfect....
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That says it all coolgal. Certainly the kind of behaviour ILs indulge in leaves a lot to be desired. But just reminding ourselves that they are not perfect, nor are we might help us ignore their behaviour or at least stop affecting us to the degree it does today.

if i make one mistake or two unintentionally then sjould the part of blame be taken by dil???

The intention of this exercise is not blame fixing. It is to realize that we have also erred intentionally or even out of a desire of lashing back which is not abnormal.

Isnt err is human??? If somebody is taunting ,insulting, putting the dil everytime and if dil loos her patience then should the dil take the part of blame??? Isnt it natural for any human bein with self respect to behave lije this....why a dil should be so confident, so mature, so perfect always????

No, a dil does not have to be perfect always and cannot be. She is human and cannot be perfect. Why should she be confident and mature? For her own self development - not for the ILs. She may or may not be confident and mature when she enters the house, but striving to do that is not undesirable. A more confident woman comes across as a stronger person and is not such an easy put-down for ILs or anybody else.

If one is convinced that one's action was the only possible option in any situation, fine, then there is nothing to be concerned about.

Isnt it the very expectations by inlaws???that no matter what we do dil shuld be calm n composed???

Again, leave alone what ILs expect. We do not have to strive to live up to every ideal they have in mind - most often those ideals would be tailor made to suit their conveniences. The only reason to reflect on our actions is so we have no personal reasons for regret at a later point of time.

why a dil only shuld be showing so many virtues even after being treated badly???
This is thr crux of problem only....that dil is responsible for making the relationship work with inlaws..

Not at all. I have already said earlier that the mil as the more experienced and mature woman should be able to make the dil comfortable. It is her primary responsibility along with the entire family's. It takes two hands to clap and like it takes two parties to disagree or to fight, it also takes two to make a relationship work.
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SGBV · Sep 7, 2015

Being blameless is only a joke. No one is perfect. We do mistakes, and we learn to behave everyday.

According to me, the social image about marriage and relationship is to be blamed for all the marital problems.

When I got newly married, I had a completely different image about marriage, spouse and in laws. Mostly my perception was based on what is being shared by my peers, cousins and others who are already married.
I am sure my MIL and even H had a different image too. Perhaps, MIL's relative's obedient new DIL, and her friend's godly new DIL may have influenced her dreams about her own DIL.

The problem starts when we fail to see the reality of the projected social images, but compare the same with our own real life.

Eg: My cousin's MIL came over to help with her child birth from very far, and stayed nearly 3 months to help with the new mom/kid.
When this was shared by my cousin in a proud moment, we all felt how lucky my cousin is. We praised that MIL, and my own mind projected a pic of my dream MIL with such a good quality.
Now when my real MIL failed to even spend 1/2 day at the hospital citing FIL's diabetes, and BP; hence cooking as a reason, I immediately compared both the MILs.
I felt bad about my one; hence disliked her.
This is one just example... There are plenty like this.

Similarly, my MIL had a great image about her friend's DIL who was so religious, and follow strict Hindu tradition though she is very young. She hoped for a similar DIL.
When I entered the house as a Christian, her dream was shattered.
So much like this for her to dislike me.

When 2 people under the same family dislike each other, what else you can expect other than problems? Who is to be blamed here??????

However, as time flies we get to see what is real... the reality of those projected pictures from the society. The true colours of that Godly DIL, and heavenly MIL of our peers.

This brings down our expectation to some amount of acceptance. It feels like "Every MIL is same, not just mine" and Vis-a-Vis.

By this time, you both have invested a good amount of time in understanding each other. Each others POV, insecurities, competitive minds and what not. And if you are lucky, you would also have learnt the techniques to win each other.

Two reasonable people can easily become normal; hence participate in a peaceful marriage without assigning the blame on others. Because no one is actually blameless.

coolgal123 · Sep 7, 2015

Saatchi, I agree that even in-laws are human beings and tends to fall short....but what bad behaviour we see by in-laws is not just humanely errs....that is completely misusing of power which society provides them for being parents of a son....

Dil comes from different family so difference in the ways of family causes frictions....true...there is generation gap in mil and dil that also causes friction....true....there is expectation mismatch that is also true....there is insecurity in mil that is also true....now mil and dil both tends to do mistakes because of all above reasons....but question is what kind of mistakes????

If you compare the mistakes which in laws does ....u will wonder can we name them as mistakes???
And normally what later on we tend to think as our mistakes are actually were the compromises which we didn't make....can we termed as wrong if we didn't do some compromises???
Now for ex. If in-laws wanted a dil talk more to them and dil likes to speak less for her own reasons....later on dil may tend to think that if I would have talked more my in-laws would have felt better...

We can say that she could have compromised on talking less but we can't say she was at fault...

Maybe ur thread name : are we completely blameless is alluding me....May be more appropriate will be what compromises/adjustments we could have done to make our rrelationship better....

if because of frictions a dil tries to create distance between in-laws and theirs son then it's her mistake....if dil tries to make mil life hell constantly by belittling her, taunting her then its her mistake...if a dil constantly tell mil when to sleep,what to wear, what to eat then she is wrong....if dil abondon her in-laws in sickness and time of need then it is mistake on her part.....if dil manipulates her mil constantly to make her life easy then its her mistake same stand true for in-laws if they do these level of errors then they are wrong ....
Small mistakes/differences/expectations should not be analyzed neither of in-laws nor of dils....

Yes, being confident n mature is the virtue which all should strive hard to achieve for...but in reality not possible for everybody....there will be all kind of people always....some dil will be mature and some not ....some will be highly emotional and sensitive while some would think practically....
Solution of in-laws problem is not always in tactful nd mature dealing as it is too high expectation from certain set of people...mentality change is the answer to this problem...which is certainly not coming from ignoring in-laws tantrums...
Althouh even I find ignoring is best even in my case ....as I have no option...parents can't be cut off and they can't be changed now I have 2 options only either walk off from marriage or ignore them....

But certainly I didn't want my daughter's to go thru all this....that she is supposed to do Seva without any appreciation, and with constant belittling n all...constant angry stares....I don't want her to ignore all these and live on with her life and on top of that later think what else she could have done better....
Although when something goes wrong every person who has an active conscience will think what wrong he or she did....but with in-laws in most of the cases this doesn't apply....here I don't claim that all in-laws are bad nd all dils are good...
I want a life for my daughter where in her home she is treated with respect and love .....she is not judged for every single thing ....don't know how it come....but I will not advice her of ignorance....I will tell her to fight for her rights....I will not say that u r wrong when u retaliate or give back to anybody who is wrong with her....

Only kindness deserve the kindness....

satchitananda · Sep 7, 2015

Perfectly said SGBV.

satchitananda · Sep 7, 2015

I have no arguments against any of your points coolgal. I am absolutely in favour of change of attitude of ILs, I totally support allowing the young couple to lead their own lives on their own terms and conditions and advising only when asked.

Yes, there are no doubts about the fact that ILs really go out of the way to harass the dil and foul mouth her and her family. However, there is also the other situation where we have ILs who are very keen to be helpful and the new dil, being very wary or independent does not want their involvement. Should they choose to stay away, there are dils who would find that upsetting. So we also have to think of such situations which are just a mismatch of expectations.

if dil abondon her in-laws in sickness and time of need
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We all face grey areas at various points in time. What if the ILs have been nasty to the dil and her parents and not allowed her to take care of her parents or foul mouthed her parents at every opportunity? Would it be wrong if the dil abandons her ILs when they need her? We again come round to the point of standing up for oneself / ethics or values, the way they have been dinned into our heads - right or wrong. So there seems to be no complete right or wrong in any matter.

We are a sandwich generation between one where dils were expected to shut up and suck it all up and a generation where we hope things will change. We are fighting for our rights and in the process there are bound to be doubts over what is alright or what is not. We do believe that two wrongs do not make a right. Is giving back right, wrong or in a grey zone or when is it right or wrong to do something ...... the list is endless.

yellowmango · Sep 7, 2015

We all face grey areas at various points in time. What if the ILs have been nasty to the dil and her parents and not allowed her to take care of her parents or foul mouthed her parents at every opportunity? Would it be wrong if the dil abandons her ILs when they need her?
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I have no doubts about this one.Specially when some one is cruel enough to deny seva to someone else's parents,they deserve no sympathy.What is good for the goose is good for the gander too.

Abusers cannot have expectations from abused.That is like rubbing salt on wounds.
People should not expect seva/care from people they abuse.Holds good for everyone,not just Ils and dils.Parents ,children,friends,employers,politicians....holds good for everyone.

In such cases...it is the non abused children(beneficiaries of their love and care) who have to do the needful.

coolgal123 · Sep 7, 2015

@Saatchi, completely agree with you on the point that nothing is absolutely right n wrong....there are areas of grey too....and I guess incase of in-laws we find more grey areas....clearly reason is our overactive conscience gifted by our parents and society teachings...
We have overactive conscience in case of in-laws....since it is taught to us no matter what we have to do seva to our in-laws....this why even if I know that my in-laws are wrong still I search my conscience again and again to see if there is my fault...

Now coming to ur question If in-laws abandon dil in her sickness or in time of need should dil take care of them in their sickness???
If we think it from clear mind ....is it too difficult to answer????no...answer is very simple that in-laws has lost their right to be taken care of by dil....Now it's up to dil if for humanity sake she wants to help them in their need or not....no blame can't be placed on dil if she doesn't take care of them...
But this equation become complex when we put in-laws in picture as somewhere in our subconscious these thoughts are going on that no matter what we should do seva it's our duty....

Many women will agree with me when I will say that whatever bull**** they have taken from in-laws...they would not have taken from anybody else ...not from their parents....in fact the bull**** taken by dil will not be taken by even their son... so I believe because of society pressure right wrong sense in case of in-laws is skewed so much in our mind that we don't even realize that we are being unfair even to us...we try to make the area grey which is clearly black....
Why this conscience troubles only dil....where is mil right n wrong??? Clearly society pressure is not there....they have not taught that it is their dharma to treat dil fairly....so they are not troubled by their morals...

satchitananda · Sep 7, 2015

Now it's up to dil if for humanity sake she wants to help them in their need or not....no blame can't be placed on dil if she doesn't take care of them...
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This is where the tussle comes in - what we feel they deserve and what we feel we ought to be doing as decent human beings.

coolgal123 · Sep 7, 2015

satchitananda said: ↑

This is where the tussle comes in - what we feel they deserve and what we feel we ought to be doing as decent human beings.
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Everybody has to take decision on their own...if u ask me i will help them...not out of respect ..not out of obligation but purely as a human being i will do what is required. ..not going out of the way but just doing what is required. ..
but if i m unable to do i will not count it as my mistake...