Are We Completely Blameless?

yes when I read Monita's i feel it is my parallel life in many ways.
I read some of the ladies here about abuse, fights and so many upfront thing, i would have loved it... that something i could have fought back well and got out of the relationship


when there are subtle expectations, constant sugar coated demand, no time to train DH (i train a bit in 6 months i get, they come back for brain wash for 6 months) ...when everything looks so good but so many hidden layes...it is just no way to fight off.....

As you know i started wearing sleevless now infornt of them and wearing non-indians around the house...

My DH goes "so they accepted all your demands, now what is the problem you have...? "

and I go "really?"


And to quote you again...

"Women who emerge sane or reasonably happy after decades of such a life are lauded for their patience and praised for their resilience etc, I simply feel sorry for the avoidable anguish that spans decades."

i agree with you totally.....

it is similar to what i say...'forgiving you mistreated you is weakness.....not large heartedness" I cannot rest till i take revenge.

 

Dear Satchi,

You have nicely articulated the reasons for differences that arise in married life. Most important of all, in my opinion, is possessiveness of love and instead of looking at love as something that we should share with others, one should never look at it as an exclusive right. We can never grade love like we grade students' exam papers. Love is immeasurable and absolute no one's love is superior to another. Wife thinking as her love for her husband is superior to that of husband's mother or the husband's mother thinking her motherly love is invaluable when compared to the love of wife is incorrect. If every mother thinks that her son's happiness in marriage is more important than her requirements, if every wife thinks that the husband is what he is today because of blood and sweat that was shed by his mother, every family would become a pedestal for love to flourish.

Like any other part of life, marriage life also should have the motto to increase the performances and reduce the expectations on all ends. There will never be a situation where everyday is pleasant and life becomes a bed of roses. There has to be reconciliation between perception and reality. A family whether there is a marriage or not will always have friction and it is how they resolve them that makes the difference. Isolation of one of the members of the family, communicating way too much or lack of communication, forgetting to welcome new entrant with love, divide and rule principle, small talk such as gossiping, etc. are the root cause of troubles in a family.

When there is open communication among every member of the family, differences are bound to disappear. In patriarchal society, a woman never gets to speak her mind. In my view, women in the house should get the first right to give their opinion. In some families married daughters get priority over married son and vice versa in other families. All children whether married or not should be treated with love equally. Why should marriage make a difference in how the parents love a daughter and a son?

The attitude of "I love my son but not the DIL" should be totally eliminated. Similarly, "I like my husband but not his family" also should be eliminated. The responsibility to create a nice environment is in the hands of both MIL and DIL. Everyone should approach with open mind and if issues come up, it should be faced and addressed. An option to shy away from the problems is not the best for anyone. Similarly, the age should not make any difference in raising or addressing the issue as long as it is presented in a polite an diplomatic way.

If wife has responsibility to love the parents of the husband, the husband should realize that it is his responsibility to love his wife's parents. In most families, the husband is quiet in a conflict which in my view is incorrect. He should listen to both views and express his views free and clear and be ready to face the consequences.
There can never be a hide and seek game in a family setting.

Viswa

 

My shortcomings? I think i am the only practical person between 4 highly emotional people.

 

Well, In-laws have the upper hand in bossing the DIL around.

It is much more difficult for women to get remarried than men
- Indian marriage markets favors never married, never dated, i.e. virgins
- body structure changes with pregnancy
- if the woman has children, who has custody, i.e. new husband will have to face wife's ex possibly

For men it is different
- their body structure doesn't change due to pregnancy
- no one can determine if they are virgins or not (same case for women only if they get special type of surgery, and discretely so no one knows)
- even if a man was previously married, or had many girlfriends, he and his parents can lie about it, and even if they get caught, parents are still desperate to marry their daughter because of what society will say

In-laws know these facts, they have life experience, they love their son, and see their daughter-in-law as a commodity that can be replaced.

And if their son is unhappy it is the daughter-in-law's fault.



Now here is the PLOT TWIST




Blame should go to
- girl's parents for treating son-in-law like god, for simply marrying their daughter. he's a human being.
** If God came in front of the son-in-law in the form of Lord Shiva, I guarantee the son-in-law will pee in his pants several times over, he would be so scared and shaking. (my dad made that salty comment ;-) )
- girl's parents for putting boy's side of family on a pedestal
- girl's parents for not giving daughter CONFIDENCE in herself. Confidence to handle her hard-earned money, Confidence to get happiness even if the marriage crumbles, Confidence that she is beautiful from within and it shines on her face

And most importantly, blame should go to :::drum-roll please:::


The girl herself for allowing others to make her feel inferior. And because of this inferiority and lack of confidence, she puts defenses up against the husband and in-laws, thus continuing this vicious cycle of husband and in-laws not accepting her in their family.



Real life example. Boys in Punjab are more chauvinistic than other parts of India (speaking from experience), yet at the drop of a hat they would marry Sonny Leone, a **** star, not only because she has $$$, but because she has confidence in herself.

And even some serials are starting to highlight that confidence in a girl is quite attractive.

In the program Kumkum Bhagya, the quiet, shy, obedient daughter-in-law who voluntarily kicked herself out of the house because her rockstar husband made his girlfriend pregnant came back with a new look, a new attitude, and brains.

The best thing she said was, "I don't want any part in your marriage"


So no, we are not completely blameless. But many people are clueless to this fact that they have more control over how they manage situations in their lives than they realize.

And God always has a compassionate ear for prayers, and He showers Blessings on His time.

 

Yes we are .. because thats how the world is design.. yellam design la iruku

 

Design is design and no one can change that.

 

Dear Satchi,

I note that in wanting to 'build positivity in relationship', you have chosen the age old mother and daughter- in-law issues! Intentions are very good but instances of in-law feuds are innumerable, intricate, impossible to solve!

Why do I say so? Maybe because I am old and skeptical! That is not to say that daughter-in-law cannot ever live happily with her in-laws nor in-laws are all out to make their d-i-l's life miserable. In this thread alone we have read that some have not had any problems at all with their in-laws which in turn is a reflection on how every relationship is different! Not all in-law relationships are problematic! When our own five fingers are not the same, how can we expect human beings to be same? There are good, bad and the ugly among us! Our concern is about the bad and ugly instances only because they are the ones that cause the heart ache and also outnumber the good ones unfortunately.

Even if the woman decides that she has many faults and wants to make amends, it is not like the row of in-laws will note it and hug her? If they do, problem solved! Unfortunately the matter is not that simple. One cannot clap with one hand. There must be a co-operation all around to establish a harmonious life. Where one upmanship and ego is at play, which generally is(!), patience and adjustment will never bring about the desired peace. Just like a couple's counseling, there should be family adjustment counseling in plenty, especially in our country where there is so much expectations within the family members.

However, if all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law could read this treasure trove thread which gives so much insight as to what went wrong and where, thanks to so many thought provoking feed backs, there just Maybe a chance for the future relationships?! Is it not like hoping that there exists a Shangri la somewhere??

Sorry to comedown like a cold shower on a hopeful thought! The problem is, we can sit here and write about any number of points and thoughts as to how this eternal problem between in-laws can be solved. But, until and unless every single one of us women go about it consciously and work at it, it is not going to happen. Do we have it in us? Can we see within us and recognize the mistakes? Even if we do, will the other woman respond with equal sincerity?? That's a million (or should it be billion) dollar question my friend!

Congrats Satchi on being nominated to FP of the month by @Jayasala42 and @Akanksha1982!

L, Kamla

 

I think that key word in making any relation a success is compromise. But the problem is that girls are expected to make all of the compromises. Also I feel that, there is a lot more fakeness in this relationship. We can talk to our parents freely, but with in laws things some times needs to be sugarcoated and they loose their original value or meaning.

 

Certainly everybody makes mistakes as nobody is perfect....
if i make one mistake or two unintentionally then sjould the part of blame be taken by dil??? Isnt err is human??? If somebody is taunting ,insulting, putting the dil everytime and if dil loos her patience then should the dil take the part of blame??? Isnt it natural for any human bein with self respect to behave lije this....why a dil should be so confident, so mature, so perfect always????
Isnt it the very expectations by inlaws???that no matter what we do dil shuld be calm n composed???
why a dil only shuld be showing so many virtues even after being treated badly???
This is thr crux of problem only....that dil is responsible for making the relationship work with inlaws..

Again when we try to find our fault which certainly must be there we go back to 0 again...
where no matter what ur inlaws have done to u ...u shuld have behaved in perfect manner..

For your ex. U didnt wanted ur fil to accompany u everywhere...which u didnt let them do...and now u think that if u would have been let them do it then there was no harm....
but question is why u shuld let ur fil do this??? U r an adult and it shuld be ur wish if u want to go alone....fair thing is that ur fil shuld offer his company but if u dont want he shuld respect that....

Again things come down to if we wuld have agreed to inlaws demand fair or unfair..
relationship wuld have been better....for the sake of peace we culd have done with little wrong..

For me ...no women shuld not accept any wrong....we shuld not settle for any less than fair arrangement....yes...cost is peace....but we have to pay the cost otherwise we can crib till centuries why we women have to do these compromise? ???