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Are We Completely Blameless?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by satchitananda, Sep 2, 2015.

  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    You hit the nail on the head iamsrihere. From personal experience, that is how I see my early fears and my determination to do things my way. I was very zealous in protecting my own independence and my own identity.

    I have my independence and my identity, but it is now a matter of conjecture whether the result would have been the same if I had taken things more lightly in those days.
     
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  2. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    In my case, my MIL always tries to make me feel, that the positives I have aren't a great deal. She tries to point out things which are not my cup of tea . This does irritate me, but thinking about it, I have felt the insecure feeling that she has thinking if I will become too proud or uncontrollable.This is the main reason for putting down any person.

    They throw stones only when there are mangoes, not otherwise. So only because of the insecurity she wants to belittle me. Within me, I feel happy because she is indirectly giving me recognition. Of course this mental stability is not always there with me, my hormones do create a havoc occasionally. But don't want to take it further.

    I don't have any such plans of going over board anytime, so I don't really react. Because the moment I react, it becomes easy for her to keep continuing the gyan.
     
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  3. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Excellent thread. I am still in a phase where MIL loves to blame the DIL, especially in front of the DH, to belittle her. I would have been relaxed after reading all the replies, for it seems if the DH is by your side, everything falls in place, after first few years. Unfortunately, in my case, my DH is extremely attached to MIL & SIL. After every few days, it seems I am facing a trial for things done/ undone (like not spending ample time with MIL after office, getting up late on a holiday, when the SIL is coming over in her vacations, I must call her and invite her, when the SIL is here, I must spend sufficient time with her, etc.) During these moments, I feel crestfallen because in a moment, DH and MIL become a strong team, regardless of the bond and understanding that I have with DH just before the blame game erupts. I feel that bond and concern of my DH is pointless for it is very easy to be a fair weather companion. During these trial times, DH allows MIL to interfere, DH agrees with what she says, and rebukes me mercilessly if I reply back to MIL (for instance, MIL says: meine apko apni beti jaisa samjha hai, I said, please don’t use such filmy dialogues). DH was so furious that he asked MIL to leave that room in case she fell ill hearing my words! In a moment, we are like 2 strangers and I'm a rude/impolite third party.
     
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  4. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Cheenu, it certainly makes life easier if the husband is on your side or at least keeps out of the conflicts, assuming a neutral role. Maybe at times like these, it would be helpful to just leave the scene and refrain from saying anything. When she makes a statement like "maine aapko apni beti jaise maana hai", a simple test you could put her claim to (without saying anything to her) would be to ask yourself if your mom would ever give you the same advice as your mil just did or would your mil tell her daughter the same thing she told you under similar circs. If yes, then maybe you need to take what she says at face value. If not, then just know what her claim is worth and ignore. It is often words that lead to more words resulting in a downward spiral.
     
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  5. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Nice topic....i pondered on it since long....what mistakes were mine???what i could have done differently...
    i found that even i was not a perfect dil ...i also made small mistakes but my intentions were never bad....i always considered them my family....but they never did so....after 2 and half yrs of marriage during pregnancy and delivery phase i found out that even the intention of my inlaws are bad....they dont want gud happen to me.....after this realization my heart was never at peace....there was a time when i was unable to sleep and thinking that how can they be so bad with me....what is my fault??? It took my arnd 1 yr to findout the answer that they dont care....
    But still i never revolt ....fuming inside but not answering back....tried to ignore and get on wth my life....more i ignored mor inlaws got angry....frustated that she is unaffected by our trics n tantrums....they kept increasng the taunt, insults and drama...
    one day it got too much for me and i put my foot down....this was too much for them....since then i dont call them....they come over to my place i just maintain formal talk....still they do their drama but now it diesnt affect me even inside....
    now when i think where i went wrong....i just find no suitable answer for it....as more i tried to adjust more they abused....
    my inlaws are not from solid financial background....their son did well...i have come frm a family which is better financially...i was habitual of living well....i guess this made my mil furious...she thinks that i enjoy her son money while she has done the hard work....basically they hates the existence of dil in their son life....
    I think may be i have spent more money on them they wuld have been happy..then i remember the instances that she was torturing me even after bringing expensive gifts to her....no matter how much we spent we were short of their expectations....
    it seems that they want to have full control on their son money....which is not possible as they dont have best interest of me n their son in their mind....
    many a times i think that may be when they used to come to stay with us i used to treat them as a family member....may be they want to be treated as special guest.....it wuld have made them happy....but they used to come very frequently and stay for long time....dont know how it wuld have been possible to treat them as special guest....
    at that time i used to think that they dont do a bit for me which was true but i guess i culd have ignored that part....but then i think that i never made fuss on that i just thought it in my mibd then how it wuld have changed their behaviour???although It culd have given peace to me ....
    I just arrive on one thingvthat i culdnt have changed my inlaws behaviour by doing anythinv as i cant define them they only can define themselves....but if i wuld have shown more diplomacy and ignorance and instead of trying to win them and instead of being a doormat i wuld have assert myself confidently but politely then on surface my relations wuld have been better....
    initially adjusting to every nonsense and then suddenely one day revolting is recipe for disaster...
    expect less, ignore more, assertive but polite...if these virtues i have developed earlier my relations has not spoiled to this extent although my inlaws will be sti hatinv me for cominv ti their son life and taking over it....but i was naive at that time....
     
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  6. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    As you mentioned the major difference is inspite of everything we don't like about our family, there is unconditional love. That makes the bond rock solid.
    Whereas with ILs there are endless expectations and conditions before there is any trace of love.

    Even after marriage parents home is still very much my home even if generally said otherwise. But PILs home is theirs and i'm an outsider even if generally said otherwise.

    We know our family in and out all their tantrums and moods. So we know when to keep quiet and when to fight and how to make up. With PILs we are always trading in the blind. Doomed if we speak our mind, doomed if we keep distance.

    Basically we don't know the shoe size to put ourselves in.

    I guess over the time we understand each other and also sinks in the fact that we are stuck with each other now. But more importantly, with time the ILs grow old, get tired of keeping control and we get used to handling things our way. Their resistance fades.
     
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  7. mamsharma

    mamsharma Bronze IL'ite

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    @ joyoflife, your thought made me wonder. i am living at stage two now and your thoughts are trying to pull me to stage 3. i can feel a war inside me.
     
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  8. sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    Nice topic..I am not a saint to be completely blameless..To be fair I too did some mistakes in the past but it was those mistakes that helped me draw a boundary around me..I survived but still have a long way to go..

    My H and his family would not dare to talk something really unpleasant to me..not because of love but because of fear of handling this loud girl! Day to day tiffs happens and I dont even listen to most of my MIL's comments..But sometimes I do respond back with a smiling face,

    The primary reason for all conflicts is unreasonable expectations from DIL.

    Like today, when I was talking to H on how I cried for good food abroad, she instantly told you should have cooked in a sarcastic way (when she doesnt even allow her son inside kitchen)..I with all vigour told, Ma I did not go abroad for sitting at my room and cook..I had big things to do..You should have visited my lab..Also I did cook my dinner..The guy who came with me was soo smart. Inspite of being a great scholar, HE NOT ONLY COOKED HIS OWN FOOD BUT ALSO COOKED FOR ME... that shut her..

    Otherwise am good to her..but the moment I know something is coming all my defenses become intact to give it back..To be true am not at all defensive with my parents because they have my best interests in their mind always.. I know I am being rude but I dont have options to deal with such ppl..

    I am really working hard to improve myself as a person, be sensible, increase my patience levels and do something worthwhile..That is the only thing I can do..H's support makes us feel good definitely but there is no guarantee as blood is always thicker than water...
     
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  9. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

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    @satchitananda

    Very well said. Especially true about "them" vs "us" part.

    In the 10 years of my marriage, I have never spent more than 2 minutes thinking of IL problems. But since I announced my pregnancy last year, everything changed. I have always known IL's are insecure about losing their son, but this insecurity has multiplied by leaps and bounds since we started our family. I was always amused about their insecurity and tried my best to show them they have nothing to fear.
    But, as I found out, failed miserably!

    They know it is quite difficult to find faults with me near DH so they found a soft target. My parents! They keep filling his ears about them continuously, and they do it so cleverly all the while showering sympathy on me for having such parents. Every single meeting between parents and ILs is dissected snd analyzed and fed to DH with all the wrongs done by my parents, really silly things. If they visited my parents they will have 101 things to say to their son, about how they are received, about what was served to them and how their leave taking was (oh! They said bye at the lift, they didn't come to the gate!). Seriously!! I have been quiet patient but now am getting really fed up with all this two faced drama!

    As far as, what I could have done in the early days but dido, is showering fake love and mouthing inane dialogues which have no meaning whatsoever! Unfortunately I am not that type of person who can "talk" well. Just talking the talk will do, because that is what they do in their family. Just say filmy dialogues but never actually help anybody. No real feeling just show you have feelings for others.

    In-laws are extremely formal, and parents are extremely lenient. And this has become the root cause of all problems. And the birth of my child has made it easy for them to use words like " your side" vs " our side" thereby separating my husband and I into different groups!
     
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  10. menong

    menong Silver IL'ite

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    Well the primary issue is that generally all daughter in laws are conditioned to please the inlaws. By the time one realizes that the pleasing business is gone too far and one need to reclaim their life bacck.... inlaws feel hurt cos they see a sudden change in behaviour from someone who was more than willing to do everything their way.

    Well... am not a "model dil" by miles - i always spoke what i felt, dressed the way I liked ( the same way as i would do with my folks) and tho I think my inlaws initially felt bad by the fact that I dont know any of their customs or that I never ever dress in traditional stuff or the biggest bug bear - i dont cook / dislike cooking we have made our peace . They got bored of saying and i got bored of listening ....

    p.s I realized that the day you stop giving the power to other people to dictate your life and happiness the more happy you and the people around you are. And people stop nagging the moment they realize its on deaf ears.Worked like a charm with my parents also...
     
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