Are We Completely Blameless?

The only and the very important thing I have learned being married is that YOU CANNOT SATISFY EVERY ONE. This is the harsh truth. If you try to satisfy one in-law, someone else will be unhappy. So keep your self satisfied - everything else will fall into place.

 

perfectly said... differences we see in parents and in-laws... parents are parents... in-laws are in-laws.. a in-law cannot be a parent. that being said i dnt mean all MIL or DIL should fight or rule.
1. Lets change our perception that MIL is always bad. We have always been hearing from people around us before we get married.. we see in tv like serials... newspapers always portraying them as demons. Lets come in a open mind
2. MIL will always have a insecurity when the son gets married, MIL are not to be blamed, accept thats how they are. DIL should understand this, and ask their husbands as much as possible to spend some time with them.
3. Sons are also to be blamed for the misunderstanding between wife n MIL, they always try and escape and dnt interfere when its at starting stage.
4. MIL please understand the difficulty a DIL will have when coming to a different family. It takes time. Most of them dnt give that time to understand n cope with them.
5. DIL dnt compare your way of doing things with your parents with that of in IN-LAW family. dnt try make things ur way a the first sight... listen to your MIL... see in long run ...
6. MIL fail to praise DIL .. vice versa... little compliments make huge diff
7. DIL ... when ur MIL says something... may be yelling at you.. always remember... to think what she said.. forget the way she told.. reflect what she told.. also ask what if the same was told by your mom.. i know its difficult but seriously that gonna help you ..
8. MIL should stop interfering in issues between husb n wife...

From my personal experience i would say.... be it MIL or DIL understand the other person is also human being, they have all emotions like you have... if you knnow UR MIL/DIL will lose temper in certain matters... learn how to deal with those matters....

 

I think we should approach everything with a positive . MILs are not different , they become negative due to the society giving them privilege and also they suffered a lot in young time . We should try to make them feel important in the house because unlike us they don't have a career they can escape or a good social circle , friends , hobbies , and forget the house tension . For them , the household and kids is beginning and end of world. That is why it makes them insecure . We should show sweetness and respect in our attitude and behaviour . We should not accept injustice or inequality but disagreement can be conveyed in polite and sweet manner too.

 

well said... definitely agree...

 

No we are not blameless. But somehow when some women get the title of MIL their true essence and spirit sometimes takes a back seat. I have seen women that are wonderful , well adjusted, non judgemental turn into totally different people when they deal with DIL. Most DIL’s start their married life with rose tinted glasses and a lot of positivity. The IL’s play a big part in keeping that positivity going. DIL’s should not expect IL’s to behave like their parents but IL’s should also not expect their DIL’s to be “perfect” like their daughter. Respect each other’s individuality and strengths and the journey should be a lot smoother.

 

Ladies, What happens when IL's from the beginning hate the DIL. Maybe the reason being the DIL wasn't chosen when they wanted or who they wanted. Very rarely IL's are good. I don't think insecurities plays a role in largesse. Its usually IL"s being mean and vindictive. In that situation DIL's can bend over backwards and still be called a bad person. Husbands don't know how to compartmentalize their life as a son and husband. They need all the work done by wives but favor parents. Who is to blame here. Indian husbands get high education and settle abroad or are globetrotters but you can handpick good husbands. Women usually settle with bearable.Sometimes IL's aren't cut out to be IL"s or DIL's are not cut out to be a wife or DIL. That just their mind set and they shudnt get their son's married or get married.There are definitely variables according to each situation. Nobody can generalize IL's as bad or DIL 's as saint.

 

In a sense we are because honestly speaking what have we done? The only thing I can think is thats she's jealous. Jealous because I am different than her. Plus I'm not the only one she has a problem with. She has a problem with everybody. She'll even compare her children and make them feel small in front of each other for her own personal gain. She'll tell my hubby his brother sent her so much money so in turn my husband will send her money too.

 

I don’t agree that this should be the approach in every situation. This can result in young girls being treated with abuse/treated unfairly/not given her rights etc. Some MILs can be jealous for no reason even when they see their daughter in laws happy. They compare to their own daughters and think my daughters going through hell at her house and in my house some stranger is happy.

Everything is so subjective. Some parents decide not to smack their children after facing abuse from their prents yet some parents decide to smack because there parents did. MILs and DIls both should look at society and think I won’t treat my so and so that way. There has to be an understanding. As a DIL I don’t think ohh yeah my SIL doesn’t treat my mother right let me go grief to my mother in law because she’s so happy. Can u imagine?

 

I suppose this provides a good reason for those planning to get married to take time to know their future in-laws (for the benefit of the DIL and also MIL and PIL) for expectations to be set ahead of time so they know how things will be going forward and whether they can come to an agreeable compromise. That being said, I am willing to be that many of us on this forum (myself included) did not really know our in-laws prior to marriage (except perhaps via a few short phone conversations at most?) so we have to find ways to adjust and adapt/deal with them after the fact (while they are also trying to do the same with us). Putting myself in their shoes (especially my MIL, who although is a nice lady, is very traditional and orthodox and expects a lot of her way of living and practices/language to be followed), I can certainly see some shortcomings my parents-in-law see in me:

* Language Differences: I spent most of my life (from age 6 onwards) in US, which they already knew about before agreeing to their son marrying me; still, due to where I was raised there are some differences that are difficult to overcome - although I can speak our native language reasonably well (as others have noted) there are differences between my speaking/overall command of the language vs that of a native speaker who spent their whole childhood living in India and spoke it constantly. Initially, before we spoke, my MIL thought my parents had not taught my sister and I our native language, and she was not happy about that.

* Differences in Religious/Spiritual Outlook and Practices: I also grew up in a God-respecting family and believe in and offer prayers to the main Hindu deities I was taught about (which my in-laws also pray to), and was exposed to my religious and cultural roots in various ways thanks to my parents. However, I wasn't taught to believe in rituals/having to cook n items for each major religious ceremony, though we did participate in any major family functions as required. My MIL, on the other hand, believes strongly in rituals and looking for "auspicious days" according to the Lunar Calendar in relation to any major activity to be undertaken. Also, I don't feel comfortable with praying to any human being (even an enlightened/spiritually advanced one), and my family does not do this either although we all greatly respect my grandfather's deceased spiritual guru (Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa). However, my MIL has a family guru whom her whole family prays to; they expected me to offer my prayers to this guru when I was in India too, and I complied just to avoid an argument. Also, my MIL believes in avoiding any sort of religious/prayer activity altogether during our menses and we once got into an argument/disagreement due to that.

* No children even after 5 years of marriage; my husband and I didn't have stability in our jobs for a long time until very recently so we were focused primarily on that, but if we get a child one of these days, can cross this off the list.

* More independent streak/wanting of more privacy: my MIL has lived in a joint family (with her husband and in-laws right after marriage) and many of my husband's cousins also are in a joint family situation, but due to my US upbringing and our differing views on above, plus their not thinking their involvement in everything is a matter of personal space/privacy, this has been hard for them to adjust to.

* Sometimes voices my opinion when disagreeing with what they say/expect, though try not to.

Needless to say, it has not been easy when they came over and visit from India and stay for several months, but for the most part life is so busy that thankfully there isn't enough time to dwell on the not-so-good aspects.