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Are We Completely Blameless?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by satchitananda, Sep 2, 2015.

  1. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    To avoid the risk of over-generalizing, I am going to speak for myself:

    I am more tolerant towards the imperfections of my parents or siblings versus my in-laws because my parents have raised me, provided for me, nursed me to health if I was sick, have been part of my physical, emotional, practical journey. There is a feeling of gratitude that helps me continue to connect and relate despite differences. My in-laws have not done anything for me, they hardly even make eye-contact or talk to me - no comparison whatsover.

    What shortcomings my in-laws find me? Does not matter, none of my business and should not be theirs either. Their son chose me and insisted he wants to marry me. They are related to me merely by circumstance. I have no expectations from them and they should have none from me. Just like my parents are - they do not expect anything from my husband, they respect him as he is for what he is and let him be. The same should apply to my in-laws too - the fact that they can expect me to be this and that and think they have control or a say in my imperfections is a problem for that is never going to happen.
     
  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Can completely understand that.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  3. apsy

    apsy New IL'ite

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    We are not completely blameless but whatever we do is always not enough for in laws.They are only happy to point out the missing things and never acknowledge the positive traits.But a little bit of goodness from their side is projected beyond necessity.So we can never be blameless in their eyes !
     
    sindmani likes this.
  4. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The key apsy is to search for ourselves how much of their criticisms are justified and how much is there that we can do something about. Of course some stupid criticisms like our looks, colour, dress sense etc. can only be ignored. However, sometimes, we do tend to get a bit defensive even in the face of constructive criticisms - and this happens even with friends and our own family. So when it comes from ILs it is not at all suprising if we instinctively recoil and take offence. That is what we need to guard against.
     
    sindmani and nakshatra1 like this.
  5. Cutie1991

    Cutie1991 Senior IL'ite

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    This is sooo correct. Plus, my dh who keeps on insisting that I shouldn't talk what I feel. Instead, I should tell that to him and he will convey it to his mom in a sugar-coated manner. I just dont get it and sometimes its soo annoying to not be able to say anythign directly. Specially when they are obviously wrong and wont listen!!

    Also, my MIL was very interfering at the beginning. She didn't let me and my husband spend any time together. She used to come in the room when we used to talk even on the phone. I even understand that a mom feels bad that her son is going away from her but my biggest concern was that my dh was all ok with that and kept ignoring her instead of telling her otherwise. She also wanted me to share everything with her and not my parents. That is where all the issue starts. She wanted to dominate me and I didnt let her.
     
  6. Cutie1991

    Cutie1991 Senior IL'ite

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    +100 :)

    What is ILs have problem with this and they brainwash dh about it.
    The most important things in a marriage:
    Put spouse first-> My ILs feel they should have equal priority in my dh's life. Thats my biggest problem
    respect spouse-> They think I dont know anything and keep on blabbering abt how much they know. Ok, I had never travelled out of india before marriage and didnt know ways to live in the us. So first 6 months of my marriage were spent telling me how I dont accurately do even the smallest of the thing.
    honor his/her preferences as much as possible-> I lovee my parents. they and my dh have problems with them so they expect me to break all the ties with my parents.

    Those are all my problems summed up. I dont think I did anythign in the beginning. But yes, eventually when I realized I am alone here and I need to speak up, I did invite some trouble.
     
    sindmani and satchitananda like this.
  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Cutie, am really sorry to hear all that you are going through. It is not unique, but no, that does not make the problem any less annoying or hard to tolerate, nor is it any consolation.

    It is really sad that we are pushed to react in a way different from the way we were brought up or we have to bear the consequences of silence. The first few weeks of my stay with ILs was like living on nails - I tried to keep my mouth shut - it is not good to talk back, it reflects badly on your upbringing .... But my endurance was short-lived and I started rebelling. Sure, I can recognize myself in the mirror today (I wonder whom I would have seen had I toed their line) but there are times when I wonder if I could have done things differently but less abrasively. Do I have the answer? No, I don't think so. That is why the question. I guess the best solution is to let the past die and just get on with life.
     
    HakunaMatata likes this.
  8. viya

    viya New IL'ite

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    yes u r corrct ,btt my prblm is diffrnt, actualy my IL are fake, liar, selfish, and treat me like a bai g,,, they hide evrythng from me.. And they told evrythng fake before marriage,,, they are too much demanding, and didn't Accept me as a bahu... I am completely frustrated From them.. And i have a SiL., she always treat me as a parayi lady... And always says Somethng to my hubby against me... And he is Acceptng their words.... He is not my side......
     
  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Really don't know what to say Viya. Have you tried to talk to anybody who can give you some suggestions? Maybe you could get some practical suggestions here on the forum.
     
  10. HakunaMatata

    HakunaMatata Gold IL'ite

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    I too came up with this solution only.. Instead of completely blaming them or myself, it is best to leave past is past for our peace of mind..
     
    satchitananda likes this.

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