are these reasons enough for a divorce?

I have been again contemplating this for the last couple of days and this feeling comes and goes all the time. Let me start with some background and then my reasons. Please bear with me as its a long post.

I have been married for 2 years. I was in India and came to US to join my husband after marriage (the whole marriage episode was a big drama after which it became clear that my husband can not stand up to his father).

After 3 days of court marriage, he asked for a divorce. I was shocked, didnt understand whats going on and said no (I always believe unless you try how do you know if it will work out or not). But in the first 10 days of marriage he had asked thrice about the divorce (we were in different countries and the next planned step was Hindu marriage). For some stupid reason, I was adamant on NO (my family tried to put some sense in me since the guy is asking for D w/o even starting the relation but I was being dumb and then they gave in). Eventually after a lot of struggle (when I got fed up with all the drama, I said NO and stopped all communication with him after which he came running and convinced me to join him in US), I joined him in US but the first year was a hell. There were 2 times that my husband hit me and the 2nd time, i threatened him with 911 and almost left the country but then he begged me to stay, went with me to the counselor and stuff. So things cooled down from then onwards but somethings still remain.

1. My husband can very easily lie to me (esp. if its about his family or something that he does not want to talk about) and he is also capable of doing things behind my back. I recently found out that last year he transferred few thousand bucks to India. Earlier this year he set up a recurring transfer to his Indian account (with joint custody with FIL) and he never told me about it until I saw it in the statement. When I asked him about it after a couple of months, he had a simple excuse "I forgot to tell you". We dont share an account yet and both of us are earning so I dont bother about what he does. I dont know if its four our future or if he is sending money to his parents. I dont mind sending money or helping them but there have been a lot of instances related to his family, which has escalated into big fights and lies. That is one of the BIGGEST reason of our fights. The sad thing is he says he wishes us to be one big happy family and when I try genuinely, he doesnt support me enough.

2. He is short tempered. At least once in 3 months there is a BIG blow up in the house, where he will keep on shouting for hours, bringing past things in the fight (before marriage I had told him about my past relation) and shutting up by saying that he has given 100%, he cant do more and that we shud get a Divorce. I get very very scared, feel helpless and I have never experienced this before but I shout back so that he doesnt feel that I am scared of him and that he can trample over me. Also, I was just after college when I dated the guy and did things which I should not have done but that doesn't give my husband any rights to judge me or criticize me.

3. My husband is very attached to his father and sister. Like a timetable,, he has to speak to them everyday and report everything. I told him initially that I don't understand this behavior and I am not comfortable with this. Well, he started changing himself but after our last fight he says he doesn't like this change in him and that he is going to start reporting everything to his family again!!

4. My MIL has no say in any discussion. FIL is the GOD of the house, he has never ill-treated me and treats me like a daughter (though he has bad mouthed my father before marriage) however after our latest fight and while I was trying to calm him down he said something which makes me think he wanted somebody like MIL.

5. He has double standards when it comes to me and his family. For e.g. On our anniversary this year, I said this is the best day to talk about the things we like in our marriage, we dont like, how happy we are with each other and just simple heart to heart talk. We were at a fine restaurant in a city where we had gone to celebrate the anniv., his mind just went off. We quickly finished the dinner, stepped out of the restaurant and all the way from the restaurant to our hotel, he kept on shouting at me and said he doesnt believe in such annual evaluations. I said sorry next day to patch up.
Now, few days back it was his Birthday and he sent out a mail to his father, sister and brother saying that he doesnt thank them enough and on his Birthday he would like to acknowledge them and thank them. He mentioned my name also in that thank you note but he did not send me the mail. I had looked at that mail on his computer and next day very casually said lets have some heart to heart talk and that is when he repeated the contents of the mail and told that he has sent his family this mail. I dont understand why I was not a part of this mail to "family" and secondly when its about his family he contemplates, but when its about us he fights with me if I ask him to contemplate. Shouldn't this come naturally to a married person?


Having said all of the above, there is a good side of him as well. He takes care of me, supports me in my career, motivates me to study further, appreciates me, he is lazy and doesnt like doing household chores but sometimes makes an effort to do. (Though if I shout at him about it, he can never take it silently and ends up in a big blow up, so now I try to avoid it but not 100% successful in that yet). On day-to-day basis and between just the 2 of us, there are not many problems and we are working on improving things but its like 2 steps forward and 1 step back every few months.

Also, we have very different expectations from marriage. I wanted a person who can cherish the marriage, the companionship and who is my friend. My husband doesnt believe in all these things. He is married just because everybody does and next obvious thing for him is to have a child irrespective of our fights and a trust less marriage.In the past 2 years, I have heard the D word atleast 20 times and initially he used to ask me to just leave the house and get out irrespective of the time of the day. (I never did that and told him I would rather leave the country than succumb to such an immature behavior). I think now he doesnt hit me when he is angry is because he knows that I will call 911 but if he is simply shouting, I cant do anything about it.

We had a fight couple of days back, we were in the middle of an important discussion, his sister called in between and by the time we could answer, it got over. So he wanted to call her right away, I told him to wait till we finish our discussion, which agitated him. Started shouting at me and went ahead with the call. After he finished the call, the drama continued.

And so for the past few days I have been thinking if this is how I want to live probably next 30 years of my life? I know I dont want to but on the other hand I think marriage is a lot of hard work and patience. I am sure there are a lot of shortcomings in me and probably I dont understand him which leads to fights. But I dont want to keep getting into this situation every few months and what will happen once we have a child? He says a child can bring a difference in our relation (his thought process is like an elderly person where in the earlier generation it was believed that a child can save a marriage) There is no guarantee that he will stop, what will I do in that case?

I dont know what should I do? I just dont want to have that helpless feeling ever again. Appreciate your views / suggestions.

 

Thanks for your quick responses.

He asked me for divorce after 3 days because we had exchanged rings (as per his wish) and had given a dinner party to my friends and sister's family (because we got married in the city where I lived. I had friends in that city and my sister also lived in the same city). When FIL saw the video he went totally silent and got offended that how could we do all this without his permission and more importantly how could my sister let this happen. Later I gathered that my husband did not have courage to stand up to his father and let him know that these were his thoughts and ideas and my family had nothing to do in it.

For my family it was no big deal, we were doing things the way we wanted and it was our decision. But his father's reaction was completely opposite and said we have done the whole marriage and got angry with him. My husband got scared and thought the best way out is to get a divorce (probably to pacify his father). I thought this was a very silly reason for divorce (Now if I look back there were signals for trouble all over the place but I dont why I felt very strong about us and wanted to give this marriage a fair chance).

I repent that decision sometimes now and thats what is bothering me lately. If I dont do something about it life will just pass me by and one fine day I will wake up with a lot of regrets and a miserable life with no way to get out.

Also, until now during BIG fights he just used to say he doesnt know what to do ahead and to him D is the best option. But during the latest blow up he actually went ahead and called a D lawyer. It was shattering, my whole faith in him get shaken again and again. It doesn't matter then if he comes after 2 hours and says sorry, why does he do such harsh acts in the first place? I have explained this to him calmly and also during fights but no change.

 

MIL is a non-interfering lady who gives a lot of freedom. FIL also doesn't interfere as such but he likes to be updated about every small and big thing going on the lives of all children.

MIL is submissive but SIL is quite strong and he respects and loves her a lot. So I am not sure if its about a men dominated family. But that is for sure this his FOO is The Family and FIL once told me last year with pride that he raised his kids in such a way that even when they were small, if he asked them to sit in a place for hours, they would do so and not budge an inch !! (I actually felt like asking were you training dogs, but held my tongue back...)

My husband is very close to SIL and I have seen that SIL is quite tactful with her husband. As far as I have gathered she doesn't really share a very open and mutual relation with her husband. And this is what my husband does with me.