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are sons and dils obliged to take care of son's parents in their old age??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shobhamumbaikar, Feb 12, 2014.

  1. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    Got inspiration from some other threads.

    We have seen many people opining here as well as outside this place that taking care of grand children is not grandparents' obligation; it is a favor if they do it and new parents should not expect parents' or IL's help as a matter of right.

    Just want to ask your opinion in this context. If parents or ILs are not obliged to help their sons or dils in their need (excluding dds and snils here because that is a matter of another debate about ds and dd's equal rights and duties and i don't want to deviate from the point here) are sons and dils obliged to take care of them in their need, in old age?? If sons or dils cannot expect parents help as a matter of right, can parents expect son's and dil's care as a matter of right then? what do the people who profess the first idea have to say about the second? Or vice versa?

    Can we really cherish any one of them and deny the other??? or is it like either we have to accept both or deny both because they are the two sides of the same coin?? this is the question related to a principle that has been bugging me for some time. So waiting for your valuable opinions...
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2014
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  2. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    Quite thoughtful & I am surprised it is unanswered yet.

    Yeah its our upbringing & our society that says no matter what One should not leave their parents. Read Sons in place of One coz our society has made this ritual for the daughter to leave the parental house & set herself in an entirely new house with new people.Going by the way horoscope matching is done for bride & groom, a bride's horoscope should be matched with all the people in the house to check the compatibility :D

    Ok to the point, may be a few years it will remain so for son & dil to take care of parents irrespective of they taking care of their grandchildren or not. May be soon we will also adopt the so called western culture to let & let live.
     
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  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Great question!

    I firmly believe that my child is my (and my DH's) responsibility. Moreover since our parenting styles vary, I wouldn't want her to be brought up by either my parents or ILs though each have their own plus-points. I would rather pay for her to go into day care than let her be home w/o me with her grandparents on a regular basis. In that respect, I am lucky to be some place where I can pay for the kind of care I wish for her. I am happy for her grandparents to visit and play with her for however long they want. Let me be clear that they really aren't helping me raise/ care for my child when they do visit.

    On the other hand, I do want to be around for the elders in their time of need -physically/ emotionally/ financially. It would be unethical to turn our back on them at such a time.

    Now if the person concerned were a meanie who has made my life miserable, their plight would of course not elicit much empathy from me...
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Leaving out the "gender of child" factor as suggested by OP.

    Taking care of parents when they are old is not related to their helping out with care of grandkids. It is related to what they did with the child from birth to the time he grew into an adult. So, in my opinion, those are not two sides of the same coin.

    That being said, if grandparents can, but choose not to help with care of grandkids, or help much more with one child's kids, it is a bit natural if the son (and DIL) are not so eager to take care of them in their old age.
     
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  5. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Give and take?.

    its just how you maintain a relationship..I guess ....

    if you are nice to others, it's a boomerang...;-)

    grandparents are yes, grand parents.. They are old, they can be of moral support and be around.. But caring an energetic kid is not for everyone's best I would advice. So it is comparing apples and oranges in my opinion...
     
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  6. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    I think you are right. I mistook the two sides maybe. They are different.

    But in that case, shouldn't their sense of right be attached to only the person whom they cared from birth to the time he grew into an adult? and not the one whom they did not do that and even they did not care to ask how she is at the time when she has become a member of their so called family? Why do then son's parents expect dil's loyalty as well?? They have not given birth to her, raised her or did anything of that sort? Is it only because she is nothing but an extended part of their son?? Isn't it because they think a dil does not have any existence of her own other than being her husband's wife???
     
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  7. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    Its not a give and take in a family. In a family system everybody is supposed to adjust with each other and lend helping hand to each-other unconditionally. When people say that parents are not bound to come over to our place leaving their work to take care of our kid, they are talking about a case when both parents and son/dil are not living together as a family. It makes perfect sense. But when they are living together, only at the time of son or more importantly dil's need they vanish to any other place saying its not their duty and come back with a strong sense of right once the emergency is over..that does not make any sense. And it is there the question of give and take comes.

    In that sense even sons and dils are often in not in a position to take care of health and happiness and most importantly the whims of parents all the times. there are examples where sons and dils have to compromise their career and even their relationships with others in order to accommodate their parents need. And I am not saying grandparents need to take care of the grandchildren even if they die in the process, all I am talking about the principles they often profess..
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2014
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  8. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Agree with Rihana, their responsibility was towards their child, which they (hopefully) did. Our kids are our responsibility


    answer to this is a resounding YES!. Unfortunately, this is a lost cause, may be we can bring about changes when we become inlaws to DILs
     
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  9. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    OK Shobha from Mumbai,

    I did not guarantee that anything I said works for every other human being out there. As you had mentioned that are some really really bad people out there and we couldnt do much about them.

    What I said was more of an ideal approach to maintaining a relationship.

    And,

    A 70 year old handling the so called "mood swings, lol", cries, playtime and whines of a 2 year old might be not physically possible..

    But a 30 year old handling a 70 year old's mental game and also physical help (Nowadays like day care we have help too..)is quite possible.. We need not be after them or teach them whats bad or good, or right or wrong, yeah?

    that is all I meant/
     
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  10. Divyavignesh

    Divyavignesh Gold IL'ite

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    Shoba,
    what i feel is "what you sow, so shall you reap"

    If i say my case, my parents means a lot to me in this whole world, i talk to them daily in whichever corner of the world i am in. Same from their side. They are longing to take care of my baby and Yeah i am the one for them in their old age.

    Saying that My INLAWS are also the same. My MIL and FIL and infact SIL are really loving and kind to me and ready to do anything for my child and want me to pursue my career or whatever i like.

    so its just love from each side , we will immediately return to india if they(either of the parents) "need" us in future because i know they cannot settle here.

    So as nandu mentioned is Boomerang!
     
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