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Are Single Kids Too Selfish ?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Ranchu, May 18, 2022.

  1. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Here's what's happening. My cousin's daughter has come to USA for studying masters. I live in the same city, Great. Family visits are always fun. This cousin and I have never spoken for 20+ yrs. We barely met in common family weddings, thats it. We have an age diff of 15yrs .
    This kid is 24yrs old and I seeing some shocking selfish behaviors.

    1) She would wake up late and then offer to help with cooking. By the time she wakes up I would have finished cooking and logged in for my work.
    -> Should I politely refuse or make her chop tomorrow's vegetables when she's offering to help ?

    2) She lives near college, so comes over during weekends. when its time to drop her back to her dorm, she would refuse to go on sunday evening and request a drop on Monday morning.
    But I have work on Monday and generally rush-hour traffic on monday would result in 2.5hrs for me to drop her .
    Its not like she doesnt know about traffic ,she comes from indian city and has seen enough traffic.
    -> I would expect her to say pls drop me when its convenient , dont want to bother you.

    But its the other way around.

    She has got a campus job etc, I'm not expecting her to spend anything for us etc. those are totally fine, she's a student. But this sort of behavior demanding stuff without considering other's schedule seems selfish to me.

    Is this entitled behavior ?
    Should I be more assertive to her ?

    I'm trying not to sound rude but she's being unbelievable.
     
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  2. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    To connect to the title. She still has her parents from india calling and waking her up. :eek:
    If she does not pickup , her parents would call the roommate and remind them to wake her up.

    Whenever she visits us, every menu item, every incident gets recited to her mom (that's my cousin). These all make me so uncomfortable.
    I would really like to host family , but I dont want my family behaviors to be relayed back to india . Seems unnecessary and inappropriate.
     
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    This particular child is like that. I wouldn’t paint all single kids with the same brush. My child is an only and we will do our best to make sure she’s not growing up to be spoiled and entitled.
    If she’s going to be a regular visitor at your home then it’s best for your relationship with her if you lay down some ground rules.
    She should clean up after herself at a minimum. She can fix her own coffee and snacks. If she offers to help with any chores take her up on it. And when she comes to visit make it clear beforehand that if she wants you to drop her then she needs to adjust to your schedule, not make you run around.
    Even 25 years ago when I came here for grad school and wanted to visit relatives I would arrange it well in advance. It was my responsibility to get myself to and from their homes. At most they might pick me up from the train station but no one was offering door to door chauffeur service except for the very first time I landed at JFK with all my bags.
    And these were my own first cousins, and own siblings of my parents that we knew well in India, so not just some distant relatives I had seldom met.
    In your case I would encourage the young lady to take public transport or Uber to and from your place.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Advance apologies for the preachy pravachana sermon type response. : )

    It's nothing to do with being a single kid. It is the age. Quite a few people in their mid-20's are like this. Often they are at their best behavior with outsiders. At home with parents or in a "replacement" home like yours in a new city, they are like you have described.

    My husband and I have come to the conclusion and often remind ourselves: Till a kid lives by themselves, earns all the money they need, budgets, takes care of where they live, handles own driving, car insurance, health insurance, grocery, minor house maintenances (clogged toilet, car won't start...) for at least 1-2 years, they don't learn the value of what they get at home. In my husband's words: "Will he treat his own money-paid car like this? Will she create such scratches on the hardwood of her own bought home?" : ) : )

    Politely refuse. Whatever you make for your own meals, increase the amount by one person's.

    Unless the person has maintained a car, driven regularly at commute time they don't get traffic and how long it takes. The luxurious interior of your car and its quiet operation makes it seem like it is a privilege for you to drop her off. : )

    Such behavior is quite common. Most likely she is not doing it on purpose. Maybe she thinks WFH is so easy.. just login. Many kids need whatsapp reminders from mom about how to behave in such situations. I had to give my daughter a few suggestions on how to dispose off feminine items when staying at other people's house.

    Your job is to host her as much and as often as you'd like to. Gradually cut back on the service you provide. Don't make a project out of the cutting back. Two Sundays, tell her you have Monday meetings from 8am onward. You can drop her at 7pm Sunday or she can take Uber. Be specific about the time you can drop her. Don't say "Sunday evening", say 7pm.

    The people who host or help us in our early times in a new country are part of fond memories. You are that aunt to her.
    Three of our family friends' kids in that age range are at home and "failed to launch." Each has a college degree. Long story short here and my personal conclusion/experience: We never know the struggles or medical and other challenges a young adult or any age person may have and how they cope, how their parents help. It is easy and intuitive to say, "If a 24 year old cannot take care of waking up when needed, they don't belong in college." There is no one-size-fits-all timeline of what a person should be able to do by what age.

    People in the mid-20's are still learning. They grow as they live with roommates, start work and interact more with the world outside of college. Neuroscience backs this up. The prefrontal cortex of the brain doesn’t complete its growth until approximately early to mid 20’s. This part of the brain performs reasoning, planning, judgment, and impulse control. Till it is fully developed, the person relies more on the amygdala which is the part of the brain dealing with emotion.

    I already said advance apologies at the top. : )

    This I have learned is a losing battle. One time I was hosting someone's in-laws. I personally prepared idli-sambhar and upma for breakfast. Both idli and upma from scratch including first roasting/frying the upma sooji. To my horror, they happily started a video call and displayed the dining table which looked quite sad and sparse. But quick learner I am. The next day, the table had a full array of continental breakfast items from Costco and local store's deli section. Fresh fruit and all made it like a buffet of a cruise ship. Again video, and all happy. : ) And 10/10 for my efforts.

    So, there is no way to avoid this relaying of your house events to them. Ideally, the relaying would happen without your knowledge.
     
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  5. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is exactly why I'm giving her the benefit of doubt and being extra patient.
    The first day she landed and I offered breakfast, she wanted "Mint-masala" Mayonnaise.
    :D:tearsofjoy: I had to remind her this is not india and we dont get that much flavors. So few things I've been teaching her the culture etc.

    I dont mind cooking at all. When she visits, I ask her what food she misses and make those. But the way she 'offers help' appears so fake . If you truly mean to offer help, then ask during cooking time, not after I'm done washing my dishes.

    Yeah i guess. She's growing up in a privileged family where she can still afford to "learn as a 24yr old". I got married at 22 and there are some who even had kids by 24.


    Thanks for sharing your perspectives. Helps in calming me down. :angel:
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Wow! You’re all way too indulgent. This kind of coddling would never fly in my family. I have hosted several young kids of my cousins and other relatives and I haven’t seen behavior like this.
     
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  7. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Right. I was not brought up that way. I was in hostels too visiting extended family , never would i overstay or ask a favor that causes inconvenience to them.
    Reminds me that I should focus my thoughts in the upbringing of my kid.
     
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  8. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    I experienced this with my married cousin who got her first job in the near by city and visited just for 4 days and the amount of info she shared with her mom and grand mom god knows :BangHead: and then it got spread like a BBC broadcast to other family members and the questions around :rolleyes:
     
  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    when i was 25 and working in hyd india. my mum will call me every day at 6.00 am as my work timing scrum was 7.30 am. :) . i had 4 year alone job experience by then.

    those were good times :hearteyes:

    and i am not single. I am elder kid. with full gyan on family head resposibility stuffed in me for 18 years till college.

    my dh 44 now, still whenever his mum comes - first thing in morning , he and my son shout - Amma. his mum goes to him with coffee. i have to run for my son. dh is elder. way too responsible - not relevant here.


    jokes apart. it takes time to be on your own. you can set boundaries and if they do not respect it , then conclude if it is selfish issue or not.
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2022
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  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    I had overstayed in my relatives house . they gave hints to my mom, then my mom told . it takes time. you can of course covey in the best humble way it works in your family.
     

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