Are people with fair skin treated better generally ???

This has been my experience too.
I am a typical dark-skinned South Indian. My mom is fair-skinned and even my dad has lighter skin than me. My grandmother would always lament about my dark color, even though her daughters and my parents would openly chide her. It was a revelation when I came to the US, and some of the girls in my class came over to compliment me on my "beautiful golden tan" ;-) !

 

@butterflyice and @laks09 - you both make me blush. Thank you. Have had a terrible weekend parenting-wise and your message pushed me to go on and rectify that.

So so true what Laks says about kids modelling. It was scary the day I realised that if I screamed at her one day, aggression levels of DD go up for a week before I can turn it around.

To me it was about enabling her to use her words, expressions and voice effectively. I aim at giving her the words and series of steps required to deal with a situation.

The very first was when she started preschool shortly after 2, she came back upset for a couple of days that one older boy kept snatching toys she was playing with. Though bigger than her and more intimidating to her, he was a child all of 3 years old; she was a slight and easy target to him. I didn't want to complain. I told her he perhaps hasn't learnt to share yet; she needs to learn to deal with the situation. So I broke it down into steps for her: first, get out of his reach quickly; put her hand out to signal stop; and firmly say "stop! We don't snatch" we practised till it was neither aggressive nor whiny; then I reminded her that her play school had lots of toys, she could choose something else to play with; if he continues to follow her around and bother her, she needs to quickly talk to an adult after asking him to stop.

We did a lot of role play of this situation the entire weekend - we tweaked her response; by the end of the following week, I didn't hear any complaints. When I asked her about it, she said, "x doesn't bother me anymore." That was when I realised how effective role play was.

We do lots of role plays. After we have had a tantrum or any unpleasant interaction with any adult or a child, I try to devise a way for showing her how it could be dealt with effectively. Quite often now she is involved in the process and helps device a solution - she tells me what we or specifically "i" could do better - it would usually involve me using my "inside voice" even when she refused to listen.

the downside though is that in her latest school review I came to know she has far too many words which was a bit intimidating to other kids. Her teacher was appreciative of her leadership but is working on toning it down a bit so the bossiness is cut out... There! That's my secret.

 

Open any matrimonial-Wanted Fair ,slim,bride-groom may be dark or potato shape or even balding but still the desire for Fair,slim bride never ceases!!!!

 

And when you see grown women like Angelina Jolie reed thin- apparently she is about 100 lbs it is just disgusting. Does anyone find that attractive? Apparently that is the in thing since many of these celebrities want to be that way. Amal Clooney is another one. Such tall women who are only about 100 lbs? Scary!!!

I would like to be thin ...again....but even on my short frame, I would never like to be lesser than 110- 115 lbs.

 

That is so awesome @guesshoo. You are helping you DD deal with adverse situations so admirably. These are tips to note down.

 

I like that inner voice concept so much..@Swethasri and @guesshoo.

And role model so true. I never swear, and the kids know i don't like swear. and the same goes to using the word hate. hate is a too strong word to use and they need to think before it slips. have done my homework. how they pan out later is not in my hands at all.

I agree on not escalating issues that can be used to teach our kids to learn how to work on a solution.

That reminds me of the incident where for some reason recently my dd was also deducted of 2 days of attendance along with the whole class. she was talking about it amidst family. then one of them told me "What mom are you, why can't you go and fight with the teacher, and get those 2 days, and i will go and fight for 1 mark that the teacher did not give my child (children are in 7th and 10th)"

I was like Witsend for a few minutes, and then i told her "sorry, two things. my daughter is in college, and she needs to learn to iron out her own issues, i can't map and hold her finger through her life. The lecturer cannot give her a special treatment when the whole class is being punished, and another thing, i will not go and fight for marks. i may go and argue if the teacher did not teach a concept. i have seen wrong markings, but then i would not want my child to learn that her mom would come and fight for 1 and 2 marks. most boards, prof. institutes have a clause that states you do not have the right to question the marks allotted. i would want my child to understand that and also learn to read the marked answer sheet on her own, total it and check it with the teacher"
The lady got angry and still miffed with me.

@guesshoo the confidence that she gets gives her the edge to be bossy, and it would tone down on its own with a few experiences.

@damini exactly. as long as we instill the confidence and the feeling that she is beautiful even if other thinks so it will not dent the morale of the child. not saying this color will not suit you because you are dark. allowing the child to explore, experiment with any color she would like to wear. there is nothing that is called not suitable for x or y. it is the comfort and the confidence with which she carries it.

 

@hridhaya - thanks for sharing the Nandita Das link.

my 2cents worth - books would be my first stop too.
Something like Usborne's Peoples of the World would help show her diversity, help her see the bigger picture and explain how today the world is much smaller; things like skin colour are irrelevant.
About individuality like Elmer - learning to figure out her unique selling points and use them to bolster her self-esteem.
Then science - about how kids get their attributes from their families; we make vitamin d from the exposure to sun, people typically from places where there is low sunlight have evolved into having lighter skin etc.
Then about women achievers like Indra Nooyi/ Saina Nehwal who didn't let her race or skin colour bother her. Real life; real people conquering the world, so to speak.

In short, rather than make the discussion go into why she should not be bothered by her skin, I would suggest bombarding her with information about the things she could be focusing on. if she specifically brings up her skin colour, you could dip into the information you have already shared with her and assure her sensitively that it is a nonissue.

About hair and make up, I am already being driven a bit bonkers with this Frozen obsession and wanting long blonde hair. I refuse to buy her the blonde wig being aimed at children but do plait her hair as best as I can...

Coming from a typical South indian household with extreme emphasis on education, standing in front of the mirror was frowned upon or at least looked at in a perplexed manner - "why waste so much time on superficial things when you can better you brain by reading?" And i blame that for the lack of pride in my appearance on most days - I do scrub up well; I just don't bother on a daily basis.

My SIL on the other hand is one of the strongest women I know. Her grooming and self-esteem are to die for. For the record, she is dark; her skin is treacherously sensitive. Yet with her grooming, dress sense and demeanour, she never fails to turn heads. She is always complimented on her sense of style. yet she is one of the most grounded women I know who is living proof that being keen on looks does not at all mean that one is shallow. In fact in her case, her attention to detail and excellent presentation extends to all aspects of life...

 

@malstrom that said my son was never lifted much by his grandma for being dark. poor soul had to accept a dark bride for her son and then nature presented a dark grandson. but later i once heard her supporting my looks saying that "though my dil is dark, there is an beauty about her that makes her special" and i was clean bowled, not that it mattered much because i never related beauty to skin color.

@Sdiva20 the choices that my kids make for their future are theirs and we guide them. i wanted my dd to pursue art, and i was thinking of art at the elite institutes. she refused and put forth her desire of number crunching.. and my little man wants to be something that is off-beat for the family. he is passionate about it. we have been ridiculed about his being that passionate about something that is not having great career opportunities until doctorate,and we are so be it.

On that note i feel bad for a girl, from dd's college, who committed suicide because of the pressure to do a course that was tough for her when all she wanted was to be a sportswoman.

I think, the confidence comes from trust, the right to choose with guidance and support.

 

I laughed out loud! True, sadly.

 

So many wonderful replies!
Didn't have time to post more over the weekend.

Hridaya, just wanted to share something that happened to my son at his kindergarten with regard to skin color. We stay in a country where 99.9% are fair skinned. Last year, some kid told my son that he is "brown and dirty." My son was very upset and started to think that being brown is not a good thing. I took this up seriously with the school and teacher.
Coincidentally, his homeroom teacher that year was African American and that somehow helped us in that situation as the teacher was able to explain it to the other kid from a different perspective. The school did a pretty good job in explaining to the kids that there are different kinds of people in the world. At home too, we told him that we are brown too and that has not affected anything-friends, work, having fun etc. It is just like having blond hair or colored eyes or being short/tall.

Also, I was more interested in them teaching my son how to handle such situations, as I am sure he will face this more being here. With help from school and a lot of explaining at home, he has learned to handle it much better. Now, if someone says that he is brown etc., his response is, "It's just another colour!"

I must mention here that the other kids have always been friendly and my son has a lot of friends at school.

It is important to ensure that due to the unwanted comments/snide remarks, the kids' confidence is not damaged, as this can lead to a life-long complex.