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Are Live In In-laws Engaging Their Grand Kids At Home?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Reesha, Jul 1, 2020.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    Why Most of society members/ psychologists are suggesting joint family system than nuclear family system in recent days...Because it will help to kids growth and their mental ability to learn, bonding, love and sharing...etc...etc...A bunch in that list

    So Like in same way, for those facilities purpose, now a days , Specially recent generation DILS are adjusting forcefully with in-laws under same roof because of kids(may be some of them out of most). In that process most DILS are loosing their freedom and carrying heavy burden on their shoulders.

    I also had 3 reasons to stay with my In-laws before Covid.
    1. We should care aged parents.( nothing i will get here)
    2. We shouldn't drag their son. ( nothing i will get here)
    3. Most important, they will tell stories, ethical values and will play games with toddlers.(only thing i wanted)

    I care about 3rd point specially because my In-laws failed totally.

    1. My FIL always spending in Mobile with whatsapp, sharings, youtube, then magzines, walkings, friends. No more playing with kids, no more chatting/battering, NO more story tellings.

    2. My MIL very less caring & she is illiterate. she spends time on sleeping most of time, her own chores, rangoli drawing, serials, gardening through out day.

    I just wanted to know , how remaining in-laws are behaving towards your kids? Are they satisfying your dreams in case of kids?

    I tried to encourage my kids to spend with them daily like 1-2 hr. but they are returning with Jet speed and saying that "they are not playing with us properly. its too bored and serious. so you come and play" . Even story telling is like news reading in DD channel. So kids are not showing intrest to spend with them. as usual i am getting my kids entertainment part on my shoulders along with heavy cooking, cum house maintenance works for them.


    Any other ideas to utilizing them for my kids because they are utilizing me from last 10 yr and for next 10-15 years with name of combined family system?
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2020
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Your problems are real...and many in laws are like that..they want the security of son and DIL looking after them..they want to be waited on hand and foot...but zero contribution to childcare..it becomes a heavy burden on the DIL to do cooking and other house chores for them and attend to their medical needs and health issues alongside with exhausting job of running behind kids..some ladies are so lucky, they work full time iem and leave kid or kids with in laws for long hours...some do an excellent job of looking after kids while many of them just ignore grand kids and spend time as you mentioned - eating, sleeping, hobbies, online stuffs, watching movie and tv serials etc..some MILs atleast do kitchen related stuffs like cooking and share household chores then DIL gets time and energy for her kids...but many are outright lazy, preferring to leave both childcare and cooking and chores to DIL while they just relax always....many in laws make expectations clear regarding their inability to help with kids..they stay separately in nuclear family and all are there for each other for emergencies and festive occasions...son and DIL are spared the strain of cooking and cleaning for joint family....but, if elders want to enjoy retired life and don’t want to spend time with grandkid’s and want to do their own thing why don’t they stay separately? Why stay together and trouble everyone..
    Suggestions to utilize them??? Good question, good luck with that..
    People don’t change habits so soon...maybe you can work full time and long hours hours and leave the responsibilities of kids to them...they will be forced to do work and keep kids entertained to some extent..
     
  3. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    My mom or MIL are not great at story telling or entertaining kids..and I find this normal as some people find it difficult to manage kids.But both of them cook the favorite food/snacks for their grandkids ...and kids also look forward for their granny's special food and the priority they get at dining table :) ... Funny thing is my mom or mil dont cook my favourite items but never missed to pamper my son with his favourite food...and I am glad about it...stories...I tell to him and use that as a bonding time .
     
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  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    It greatly depends on if they have prior experience working/being with kids. My mom and dad are pretty good in entertaining, DD loves to play with them. They lived with me for 3 months here in US, it took sometime for DD to warm up to them. But they were good friends. There were not many stories though. My dad usually made up games for her and mom played with her. On the other hand, MIL is not very patient with kids. FIL was pretty cool.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  5. netflx

    netflx Silver IL'ite

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    To be frank (and I guess you are looking for honest replies)
    Your attitude towards them will shine through directly or indirectly and wont help.
    Change your attitude towards them and perhaps there will be more bonding in future.
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    It is not your in-laws job to function as babysitters for your children. It’s nice if they do but some grandparents are just not interested.
    There is also no need for you to over-exert yourself for them. Keep your cooking duties light and hire the help you need to manage things smoothly: maid, nanny, cook etc.
     
    lavani likes this.
  7. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    Are you a good story teller. it is not easy to tell stories to compare others.

    is it summer where you live, if it is , i would suggest they can take the kids out to park nearly also maintaing social distancing .

    my dad does, and so my MIL does. they are not able to tell stories. but they engage kids in this way for 2-3 hrs. i feel your expectations are directional, i would suggest exploring other ways.
     
  8. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    I dont think it is fair to expect that in-laws will works as baby sitters. They have spent their life taking care of kids and doing household chores and honestly, if they dont want to engage with the kids , it should be their choice.
    If they live with their son and DIL, they should also make sure that they are not overburdening the DIL in terms of cooking/cleaning etc OR impose their own rules.
     
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  9. venkiis

    venkiis Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel you are looking for constructive inputs.

    few things, i can say. but it would need mature understanding, not sure who is going to put the bell on the CATs. Your or Your DH

    open discussion -

    i thought taking kids for walk , where they can play would work
    some time academics in a fun way, like reading and a craft.
    You said MIL is illitrate, but you said she does rangoli .

    how about drawing that rangoli in paper and have the kids color. there goes 2 hrs :)


    but the main thing, the elders should not feel like a task, it should be like MIL is doing rangolli , join MIL and do the rangoli in paper. so fun together.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    The image of grandparents sitting with grandkids, narrating stories from our epics, and playing fun, innocent childhood games with them is as outdated as that of a DIL lovingly pressing MIL's feet or gently massaging her forehead as both watch an afternoon TV serial.
     
    SunPa, Angela123, ashima10 and 5 others like this.

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