Any solution for this!!!

Cool1 · Jul 3, 2010

Hi to all the ILs.
2 weeks back I got into a problem and have managed to come out of it. But I still need your advice and suggestions.

My eldest sister is newly married and stays in US. She and I had some mails exchanged in which we had discussed some problems and commented on each other's families. The thing is that it was completely a sister talk and she was facing loads of issues as a newly wedded wife.
The issue is my husband read that mail.Yes, he had my password and I had not deleted the mail.Completely my fault since I should have deleted. But alas, I had trusted my husband
and thats my 2nd mistake.

Anyways as expected he lost his temper(my family , my sisters, my brother etc etc) and wanted to get even with my sis so started his arrogant statements like I should break off all my ties with her and etc...I said no and came upon a solution. He will not talk to her since he has issues now but I cannot stop since she is my sister. No even that was not accepted. I lost my father in 2006 so in no case I was going to do this and hurt his soul.NO MATTER WHAT!!!
She wont attend any of my family functions(trust me with brother and sisters hardly want to to attend such gatherings) but I would attend all my common functions(like brother's wedding). He can have his choice to attend or not to attend bit I would and if my sister is there I will definitely speak to her.This was also not acceptable by him.So I considered him as an unreaosonable person...
Now my sister came to india and she got few things for me.Mom asked me if she should get it and I asked her to..She got it, my husband came to know about and hell again the same old drama. After 4 months he was still behaving the same. Now I could not take it and called my mother and my bro(they both knew about this from day 1).Arguments happened..They aslso said the same things what I said but in vain..Finally my mom took the gifts and left. No for them it was cordial.
Now I am fine and trying to leave peacefully with my husband since I have made a practical approach. My mother and brother are not interested in him anymore and we are all OK with it. The fact is that I am really unhappy with what happened.
Now I have lost faith in my husband and I have asked my family to ignore him completely. He loves me and cares for me a lot but this is something which is disturbing me and though I have adjuted it does bother me.Now I dont want to meet my mom since my husband will come along and I dont want him to meet her.According to him it is sorted issue now but it has left a deep mark in my family's heart.
PS: I called my brother and mom since I was fedup of my husband's constant saying that he would speak to mu mother and tell everything to my sis's husband.And all this when I am 5 months pregnent.

Please
suggest and let me know if you want to know more about this.

rose8282 · Jul 4, 2010

HI..I couldn understand half of what you wrote..for example this line

Now my sister came to india and she got few things for me.Mom asked me if she should get it and I asked her to..She got it

Please re read..because as a new person,i couldn understand few things.

Cool1 · Jul 5, 2010

My sister had recently visited india to attend a wedding and she got few things for me and my baby...I could not meet her since I am working and she was here for few weeks and its different cities. Once she left my mom came to bangalore and asked me if she should get all those stuff to my house to give them to me since she knows that my husband has issues with her so he may not like it..I told her that its a gift for me and my baby so he wont mind but I was wrong and mom was right..

He was creating a scene over it and said he would tell everything to my mom..So she was called home and there was a huge discussion over the mail. He even had a printout of that mail...

rose8282 · Jul 6, 2010

I think your husband is being very unreasonable.What was in that mail that aggravated it so much...anyway,I think you tried all options possible.I dont really know what else could one do in this situation.Maybe you could try bonding more with his side..and slowly make him understand.Im sorry,couldnt be of much help...specially because you tried resolving in few ways and didnt work.

rkramadh · Jul 7, 2010

Coolone, what exactly is your DH's problem with you discussing stuff about your sister's family? Why is it his business to come between you and your sister? It's not like he found stuff about himself or his family in your emails right? Why is he trying to black mail you with the printout and show it to your mother?? What ever you discussed with your sister about your family and hers is your business, not his. Now, I can understand him getting a bit upset if you said bad things about him or his family. Even then, he is acting like a kid!!!! If you said negative things about him or his family, he should ask you about them and discuss them in a grown up manner, instead of waving the printout and black mail you by threatening to tell your mother.

Priya16 · Jul 7, 2010

Cool1,

How confident are you by yourself.The way your husband acting is very unreasonable.If you backoff today then he would repeat the same stuff tomorrow.The barking dog will not have guts to do anything.I would suggest stand up for yourself and see what he can do.What about your sister?I don't know what are the things discuss in email.
How is your sisters husband?Did you tell your sister about the drama going on your house.I know you are pregnent and you wanted things to be cool.
But you need to think though aout this.Because this could happen again and again if you bend now.

iamsudha · Jul 7, 2010

You may want to try this. Your husband needs to know that you are on HIS side. That may mean you explaining and taking his side on issues and criticising your people in his presense objectively. I mean don't defend people just because they are your people. If he sees you being objective and that you are always on his side no matter what, he will accede to your requests to be forgiving, magnanimous and keeping people together.

Making your hubby a villain to your family is not cool. That will drive a permanent wedge between you.

Good luck!

Cool1 · Jul 7, 2010

Hi all,
Thanks for the replies.In the mail we had discusses family issues.My sister discussed few things about my side and I suggested her to keep her cool. My sister knows about all this and she doesnt care for my husband's attitude. His blackmailing business was going too far for me so I called up my mom.

I told him that this is between my sister and me but he wont listen. Well the outcome now is that I stay in touch with my sister. And my family has distanced themselves from him which I find to be perfect.

I am not denying what happened was right but the problem here was attitude. He has 3 sisters and one of them is still to be married.How can someone talk cheap about a newly married girl.We had a discussion over it.He understood that there is no problem from my side but still his unreosaonable stand for me to break off my ties with my sister was bothering me a lot.

He takes care of me, and i know he loves me a lot but such incidents brings down the trust in marriage which is so important for a successful realtionship...

I do care for his family and sisters and he knows it still he has to question this everytime.

Visu2k · Jul 7, 2010

Something that your sister said about your DH is bothering him much. It is but normal that his ego his hurt, you should agree with him on that and say that even if you were in his place you would also fee the same. Empathizing with his situation (if your sister indeed used such words that he felt insulted about) is the first step in making him feel less bitter. Later you can say that you were not at all supporting your sister in what she wrote about him but your main concern is about advising her and helping her adjust with her newly married life, rather than arguing with her. You can also talk with your sister to see if she can directly say sorry to him, saying that she can say she was not feeling right at that time and that she has utmost respect for him and feel sorry if he felt offended by any of her usage. If she agrees, then you can inform your DH about the same and tell him it is his choice (tell him politely) if he wishes to accept her sorry and end this hurt here and there.

Tell him that life is too small to spend with misunderstandings and hurtful feelings. And that you would be happy if he would really be gracious enough to extend a conciliatory approach towards your sister

DevikaS · Jul 7, 2010

well dont you realise whatever your sister wrote / you wrote in that mail has hurt him tremendously.. so much that he doesnt want any relation with your sister..

why dont you understand your husbands point of view. instead you are just bashing him. :drowning

that email must have been some big email with alot of issues otherwise he would not react in this way..