any hope?

Confront them. If you keep bottled up anger ,it will only make you a nervous wreck. I tried your way before. Didnt work. I had dizzy spells,was weak and very angry.it took me years to get to normal self. I realized only one thing on the way. I just tell my in laws and my husband when they are unreasonable to me. I dont let them take potshots at me. Maybe you can try it it will help to vent out . It did help me a lot.

 

:clapHi Sashie

What i do is i just dont talk to them unless i have too...like you say that have said and done so much that its hard to forgive and forget so now i just keep myself to myself and ignore them....and now whenever i speak to them which is about once a month its just hi hello and then pass on to their son.....they dont tell me anything and if they happen to i will only do it if i want and not cause they haev told me to...i used to put them first by now i put myself and my son first....i dont see what any dil should have to sacrifice their life and kill their ambitions for their inlaws....we should also be happy and enjoy our lives and if they dont like it then tough...they can carry on moaning to their sons like my inlaws do....lol....
U be strong and just keep on ignoring them soon they will get the message..try to be a bit strong infront of ur husband too then he will realise that he cannot dictate u and tell u what to do as u have ur own mind...its very hard at first as i found it hard but then u feel so good about urself after a while...and u are doing nothing wrong by living for urself and ur kids.
if they cant be nice to you then no reason why u should be nice to them....what for....would ur real mum be like this to you...NOOO and if she was u would not tolerate it so why tolerate it from them..just cause they are ur inlaws...tell ur husband to deal with them if they want to be abrupt and rude and tell him u can not talking to such people who have no respect for you....

all the best take care and update u soon xx

 

yes,
i go for sonu's opinion but,what my doubt is if husbands behave non-sense to our mother,father and siblings due to our weak relationship with our inlaws what can we do in that situation?....because we don't have proper relationship with our inlaws due to their nagging,complaints etc..,if they(husbands) will inturn try to behave badly infront of our people without understanding wife's problem,means we are forced to behave nicely to our inlaws even if they are bad...In my case,as sashie said,i too have hurtful feelings and it is not going from my mind even if i try to be happy..iam trying my best to ignore and iam living happily but sometimes,if it comes to my mind,my anger directly goes towards my husband..Now, u know,my inlaws are very happy..they totally forgot about how they behaved badly with me,they didn't even realize..God is the only power to show mercy on people like us to face problems..My advice is just pray for nasty people because we cannot change them..
thanks

 

Dear Sashie,

The best way to counter this problem is to ignore it. Coz if we also start behaving like them...then what is the difference between them and us.

You start engaging yourself in some activities and spend time for yourself and your kid, don't ignore the two of you. Also take good care of the family...don't sway from your duties. But then that it...don't get emotionally involved if you do then you will stress yourself out. Consider these souls to be guests for sometime who are giving you a hard time...but as a host you will do your duty and nothing more.

Remember one thing don't complain to your DH...they never like it and when he is around be normal don't back answer or do anything otherwise...it will leave a bad impression on his mind. You have to live with his forever so see to it that there is no rift created from your side.

We really need to be diplomatic in all our dealings.

All the best.
Warm regards
Roopa.

 

Dear Sashie,

I agree with both views here – to remain silent at times and to sometimes speak up. I totally agree with Roopa on the emotional detachment part. Some acts are just acts of duty so we must treat them like that.

Few things I’d like to suggest are –

• 1. First and foremost, adopt a “don’t care” attitude with people that stress you out. They might hurt you initially but once you know their nature, get over the hurt knowing that they are not worth paining yourself for. If you pain yourself because of their bad behavior or keep it in your mind and let yourself be bothered by it then you have made them victorious. This is the exact opposite of what you really want to do to them. So look at moving on and forgetting the hurt in this light. You will be able to forget their misbehavior relatively easily. You want to give them the exact opposite of what they want from you. If their intention is to hurt you, don’t get hurt too much for too long. If their intention is to cause a fight between you and hubby, don’t let them succeed. So before you react to their bad behavior, think about what they are trying to achieve and give them the exact opposite result than what they are looking for. This will not only dampen their spirits but will also bring a lot of peace to your mind.
• 2. Try to differentiate between what is a behavior from them (in-laws etc) that will haunt you for years to come and what is a behavior that although may hurt you initially, you will be able to get over it quickly. For this you will have to do some hard thinking on days when you are not troubled. Do some self-assessment and get to know yourself better. Every day for a few minutes think about what are the things that really cause you long lasting hurt and pain.
• 3. Once you classify the things that cause long lasting pain and the ones that you can get over without much ado, then react to them accordingly. Let go of the behaviors that you know you can get over easily. Don’t comment or react on those behaviors, just ignore them. For the behaviors that have long lasting damaging effect on your mind, deal directly with the person offending you. Don’t get husband involved. There is no need to bicker and fight in front of the husband either. Talk to the person who is behaving badly with you and let them know that you do not appreciate their behavior or put them on the spot and nicely ask them direct questions on why they did what they did. Even if they don’t change their behavior by your questions and direct dealing, they will definitely become more conscious of their behavior.

Silence is golden in many cases but can be construed as a sign of cowardice in some cases. So differentiate between when silence is golden and when it is cowardice. Don’t worry. It comes from experience, knee observation of other’s behaviors and knowing yourself better.

• 4. Rya mentioned a very pertinent peeve about hubby meting out undesirable behavior towards your parents. Yes, it does happen. Many times it is inevitable and you will just have to bite the bullet. It may not be permanent.

To avoid this kind of uncalled for boomerang, first of course, try not to involve your husband in your battles. Fight them yourself and deal with the consequences yourself. No reason to lean on husband. This saves a lot of unnecessary tension between husband and wife.
The other important thing is to be very clear in what you stand for and what you don’t and let people around you (especially hubby) know your opinion on things from time to time. Not just when there is a difference of opinion, but even in general communicate about things you appreciate in people, things that you don’t appreciate. People close to you should know about at least some of the things that you like and don’t like in terms of behavior, thought process, general life philosophy, your thoughts on relationships, your ideas about how money should be used etc. Then over the years they are able to gauge what will totally tick you off and what you will be ok with. This way it does not come as a surprise to your hubby (and even your in-laws) that you cannot tolerate a particular behavior. They will sort of know what you will stand by and what you will not. This also definitely means that you will exercise fair judgement whether it is in-laws or your side of the family.

Every relationship, be it personal or professional, has a “managing” factor closely tied to it. So we must learn manage our relationships effectively. As you might know from your professional experience, no successful manager uses the same technique all the time to manage his people. At the basic level effective management takes into consideration the situation, the person being managed and the desired end result. So keep these in mind, especially, when you deal with bad behavior or tough situations.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting manipulation here. Managing is different than manipulating. To me, when you manage you want to achieve a common goal, sometimes may be an individual goal too, but without causing harm to anyone or treading over anyone. Manipulating is to get to your goal no matter what, even if it means hurting and harming people in the process. I personally have never felt the need to manipulate neither in my personal nor professional life. I think if we learn to actively and effectively manage things, there is no need to manipulate.

Good luck! Remember to also have a lot of fun in this whole learning process J.
SS