1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Any brahmin married to other caste guys and in-laws not ok..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sweetmommy, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. sweetmommy

    sweetmommy New IL'ite

    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    I am an Iyengar married to a guy from other caste.I have a very happy married life and have a one year old baby.My husband gives respect to my belief and practice and never questions me on why I follow them.Now my mother-in-law is here in US and she makes me feel that I dont have any choice but to follow their way.I dont get it.She does not openly tell anything out,but it is kind of a cold war at home.But I dont have any negative feelings for her,just that I need to folllow what I want to.She is really understanding in my food preferrence and everything.I should appreciate her for that.It is just this tiny bit of pressure I feel from her that I dont want to.

    Is there other brahmins who are in my situation and I hope I get good advice from them.
     
    Loading...

  2. sweetmommy

    sweetmommy New IL'ite

    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    sorry ladies..if my post is not appropriate.I did not intend to discriminate anyone and I always did not want to.I was just so stressed out with my issue that I wanted to find out if there is anyone like me who can give their two cents.

    I would appreciate if anyone can still reply :):)
     
  3. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    3,087
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    sweetmommy

    what do you mean by "their way"? Do you think, without intending to you may be overdoing what you normally do? I have sometimes seen this happen, when there is another person with a different belief system, people tend to go a little overboard with their own beliefs as if to reiterate it to themselves, though it may be harmless and completely unintended. See if that's what you are doing!

    Either way, I guess she's going to be with you temporarily and she does not verbally say/do anything against what you believe right? So why are you dwelling so much on this?
     
  4. SBHornsey

    SBHornsey New IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I think that you should just ignore it and not let her attitude get to you. All you can control is your reaction, not hers ...

    P.S. I have the same issues....
     
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    4,555
    Likes Received:
    99
    Trophy Points:
    130
    Gender:
    Male
    All of this is jujubi matter - relax, it'll be ok.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    3,087
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    :rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl

    Yes sweetmommy, it is indeed jujubi, like they say "hari um sivan um onnu, ariyadhavan vaayile mannu" :thumbsup
    (Loosely translated - Vishnu and Shiva are the same, and the one that doesn't realize this has mud for brains)
     
  7. APassionateOne

    APassionateOne New IL'ite

    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Sweet...

    Two of my own sisters are married to guys from different communities. Growing up, our parents chose to keep anything to do with us being Brahmins, just at home. They both had (still have) good careers and they didn't quite give importance to the caste. We kids were free to do what ever was comfortable. We mingled with everyone at home and outside, had sleep overs and cook outs with friends without any inhibitions. Even the food - it was just a little adjustment. That was all.

    I married a guy from a very strictly traditional Brahmin family (I met him here in US and I had no idea about his family then. I cannot begin to describe all the rituals, restrictions...madi/poojas/beliefs/observing certain days/ vrathas/upavasas etc etc. Good for me - my husband eased himself out of a few things practiced by his parents, when he joined college..around age 17 or 18. Now after living in US for past 13 years, I should only say he knows what he is doing and I cannot be any more happier with him). All though every thing is right by the book in my marriage, when my MIL visited us or when I go to India to my in-laws, I feel exactly how you feel. Though I come from the same dough, I have to do a LOTTTT of silent adjusting with my in-laws, especially in cases of small everyday things. But what the heck - there is no use of speaking against and creating rifts. It is all temporary. So, I go along.

    My two sisters married their college-mates. Both my BILs are from two different communities. But luckily they both are loved (I should say, adored) by their respective in-laws. These girls adjust very well to everything and try to make everyone comfortable as much as they can.

    So, I think it is all in how people look at anything. Don't feel pressured. your MIL didn't come here to test you or judge you. She came here to help you with your little one. Stop expecting her to approve you day after day. You don't need any approval from anyone. You and your husband, already proved to each other that you love each other and got married. From that moment, you should be very confident of the relation between you two. Yes, these parents come and go. Today your MIL came and you are feeling pressured. When your parents came, your husband may have also felt pressured. The only way to go about it is being open. Try to make adjustments (not at the expense of your feelings/self respect though) and try to make them comfortable.

    If you don't know how to do something or if you do something differently, convey it to your MIL. Also if possible tell her that you are OK with how she does that. I am sure she will be happy to try out your way or 'teach' you her way. As long as no one is hurt (your baby is healthy and safe), you should just go along. Leave the ego out.

    Try to do any thing you do as a part of you being Brahmin, less visible. Keep it low. Take it easy. Don't be a stickler.Remember what is important - it is not your rituals/traditions/dressing/food/house keeping etc. Important is to develop and keep a healthy bond between yourself and your in-laws. That will indirectly make your husband to see you in a mature light. That will make his love and support for you only stronger. This also will make your in-laws get close to you and your kid. It is for all good. Unless your Mil is a dominating/insensitive person, I think it is all in your hands to make her remember this trip as a wonderful trip to her Son, caring/thoughtful DIL and precious Grand child.

    A little bit of patience, a dash of adjustment and a pinch of effort may make a wonderful recipe for a strong bond between all of you. Good Luck.:cheers

     
    sindmani, GEET9713 and Visu2k like this.
  8. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    385
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Very well said!! :thumbsup
     
  9. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,007
    Likes Received:
    593
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    @Apassionateone: done good. Don't think MIL is forcing you to do her puja, rituals etc. if you learn, it will be good. After all, you married man of your choice and give him and his family some respect. Learning new things are always exciting. You are young now. Once your kids grow up, they will give you respect if they find out that you are willing to learn form your MIL.

    Rituals are not important, people and relationships are important. So if you learn your MIL, how do you think she feel. She will be so happy and when she returns home, all the credits will be going to you and your parents for your upbringing. One of my Iyer married a Bengali Christian girl for past 35 years. The girl changed herself completely for the sake for her husband. Who do you think the ML loves. Not other Iyer DILs, but this woman. She does all the rituals, wear thali etc. Her MIL understands her and encourages her to go to church and celebrate Christmas and Easter.

    Give and take: Life will be much better.
    Good luck.:cheers
     
    sindmani and sheztheone like this.
  10. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,663
    Likes Received:
    645
    Trophy Points:
    233
    Gender:
    Female
    Well said Apassionate one.

    Remember what is important - it is not your rituals/traditions/dressing/food/house keeping etc. Important is to develop and keep a healthy bond between yourself and your in-laws. That will indirectly make your husband to see you in a mature light.

    I liked the words in particular. I fully agree with you.
     
    sindmani likes this.

Share This Page