Anti Brahminism

Dear Sunitha,

I am sorry that you had to undergo the process of accepting thaapam. I know it is painful physically and mentally (when you are not in tune with that philosophy). I dont know what to say more. I assume Lord Vishnu in all His compassion put you thru that experience to save you greater pain. I know I sound shallow here, but believe me, my words are heartelt.

Vivbass,

One thing that I have learnt in life is that there will always be people around you who taunt you. And one is blessed if these are more outside than in the family. I have been taunted for studying well and then not studying well, for holding a job and not holding a job, being short, being plump and then losing weight fast--, for wanting to get my hair cut(she is too fashionable), then getting my nose pierced (she is oorpakkam).

My husband and I have a traditional arranged marriage. Still, my accent and Tamil dialect upsets my MiL even today. My cooking with coconut, having hair bath daily all these are points of contention. To give credit everywhere, I have changed a lot, my MiL has softened a lot. Time has healed our synergy.

affly
Vidya

 

dear sunitha,
sorry to read about your suffering.hope they have changed now and accepted you. As vidya said if its outsiders' taunts we can stay away from them ,but when it happens from the family members , its quite difficult.
dear vivbass,
I faced the same kind of harassment from tamilians here in chennai as i am a telugu brahmin .They used to call me "gulti" and tease me how lazy telugu people are .I ignored them for sometime but couldn't tolerate it for a long time when they continued it.Then i retaliated coolly telling them that our telugupeople coined a phrase for tamil's hardwork as"arava chakiri".I told them i am proud to be a telugu brahmin .we always do try to work in the easiest way possible ,hence we have time to enjoy life too.That silenced them and from then on we became friends and they stopped making fun. Now i find them very friendly and helpful people .My advice to you is you should make them realise you can hit back when it matters most and they should be wary of hurting you.

swetha

 

Hai,
from this interesting thread, one thing is clear. People always get teased, wherever they are and whatever they are. It takes all kinds to make this world.

 

Dear Sunitha,

I do understand your pain which was not only physical while being branded with a hot-iron but also mental because that was forced on you.

I am dead against your in-laws for forcing this on you. The ceremony they forced on you is called "Samasranam" by which the householder and his wife take a vow to lead a pure, brahminical life. When the same proposal was broached in our house twenty years ago, I first asked our priest, what are those conditions that define a pure life. They are quite numerous and complicated. For example after that ceremony you are not supposed to eat ouside your house.

I told him that it is physically impossible to comply with those conditions. So there is no point in branding me or my wife. Fortunately my parents also agreed.

On the other hand my brother and his wife have voluntarily done that to themselves. Even my father was a little skeptical about that. But my brother being the most religious in our house insisted on that and we did not stand in his way.

I am a Tamil Iyengar, sunitha. But I am speaking now as a fellow-human being and a fellow-ILite. Please dont hold this against the brahmins. It was done by a few thoughtless people. And we should blame the whole community for that.

I am also against your inlaws and your husband insisting that you should quit non-vegetarian food. The society always demands the sacrifice from the women. Women have already made the greatest sacrfice of leaving their loving parents to come to live with a different family. And as if to add insult to the injury, these things are being insisted. I am not for it at all.

In a relative family I know they even change the name of the bride. The mother-in-law told me heartlessly, 'that is the surest way to cut all the connections with her house of birth." I had to take tremendous efforts to restrain myself from hitting that lady.

In fact I wrote a full length story on a brahmin boy who was about to marry a christian girl which was published in Anandhavikatan 8 years back. I translated into English for IL. Here's the link
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/singles-world/872-the-failure-of-love-marriage.html

Of course in your case your love for your man is quite strong and you sacrificed for him. Please dont hold anything against him as well.

May you both grow stronger and stronger in love. And all these things may get dissolved in that supreme love.

regards,
Varalotti

 

Hi!!

Here's wishing all the ladies out there a 'very happy women's day'!!!

I can relate to Vivbass's experience, because being a brahmin i too was subjected to these kind of taunts.

Well, we were brought up to be tolerant towards all religions, thanks to our parents.
So, it came as a rude shock to me when i was made fun of at the workplace (though in a light vein) for being a brahmin, i had never faced any of this all through my years at school & college. I was told things like, oh! you're a brahmin.....bomman (had never heard this word before), how come u don't look like one, you'll always eat curd rice & pumpkin, how come you're not traditional, etc, etc.

It's not only abt brahmins, people who make these comments, comment about all other castes other than theirs. Like brandishing all muslims as terroists or pakistanis. How sick is that???? Aren't they as much Indian as any of us & they also love & respect our country.

On my part i've never taken such remarks seriously & just rubbished them. I've always believed that, 'if someone calls me stupid, it doesn't make me stupid, it makes them stupid'

I feel that the few people who make these kind of remarks, probably suffer from an inferiority complex about themselves or the castes that they belong to & they give it back in this way.
By showing that you're not getting hurt by what they are saying will probably shut them off.

Cheers!

Ragini.

 

Thanks a lot,to all of you ,for your support.

Seena-Well,at that time I was newly married. Everyone who knows me knows that I am very bold and straightforward in my approach to everything. But here,I did not know anything about the ritual before that and had no clue what it meant .My husband is my strong supporter and he is always there on my side.He too had to go thru' it and actually ,it caused a bruise on his arms and nothing happened to me.For me ,it was only the pain at that moment physically and then the pain mentally after that.For him,he had to go thru' physical pain a lot just to satisfy his parents.My husband has no problems with me eating any non-veg food,I really want to clarify that here.

Varalotti sir-Thanks for your clarification.Like I said earlier,my husband understands me a lot and he went thru' it only to satisfy his parents.If not for that understanding between the two of us,I think I would have left him long back.This name changing happened to me too during my wedding. Each time during the wedding,the priest used to say my husband's name and Anuradha.All thru' the wedding,I was wondering who this Anuradha is,who my husband is getting married to .Then 1 day after the wedding,my FIL called me and said my name has been changed to Anuradha and that they will call me only that from then.WOW!! Well,you know me..that was the limit.I told him flat on his face-you can call me that,I will NOT RESPOND.Thankyou.

He got the mesg then very clearly from me and realised that I am a tough nut to crack.That started a cold war which is still raging.:yes:

Well,it doesn't stop there.Four months after that,he called me,my husband,my MIL for a discussion.It was like a board meeting.No one was allowed to talk except him.He had a written agenda too to top the whole thing.What was the discussion about-my pros(which were nothing) and cons as a DIL.It lasted for 3-1/2 hours with no one talking except him. It left me in tears at the end when he said-Now ,you will stop working and stay at home.I got up and told him these exact words- ' Whether I work or not is my wish and my pleasure-That is none of your business ' and stomped out of the room. Because,I did that,the meeting came to a grand finale.:2thumbsup:

One good thing is that-I have conquered all my emotions now and can actually reflect back at the whole thing with amusement.:thumbsup

Well,I understand-not all Brahmins are like that because I have also had brahmin friends at school.So,I will definitely not develop any hatred for the community as a whole-I can assure you that.

 

Dear Sunitha,
it is very sad that you had such an experience. Please do not think you went thro such things because you were not a Brahmin.
Even in cases of arranged marriages, the name change, bossing around, cutting off relations with one's family all these occur. It isalways expected that the girl's side adjust and be submissive. That is why when the in laws become old and dependent, the dil just do not care for them, isn't it?
I was always made fun in a bad way about how we eat coconut (I am from Kerala) and also about my intonations. My fil used to comment before guests too. But I was not fortunate enough to have support from my hubby so has to silently bear all that (it was in the 80s). Even when I called my son Kuttan, that was critised so much. Then fil heard a religious discourse and in it the preacher said that Lord Krishna's pet name was kuttan and so later the objection was overruled.
When my son was born, my mil told my mother that he will not be called my mother's grand son- only a grand son from a son will be hers. How could she say that? My mother's relatives and friends would call my son as her grand son only- not as her sambhandi's grandson.
Now my fil is still alive , he is 92, and he craves for my cooking (the other dil where he stays does not cook tasty food or food he likes). And he is partially paralysed and I am the only dil who takes care of him well and show respect and concern to him. The other one does not even talk to him, even though they live in the same house.
His plight does not make me happy, I am not going to get back those days and erase the pain, isn't it?
I admire you for standing up against all these and your husband too for supporting you. There is a saying in Tamil, IF YOUR HUSBAND IS BY YOUR SIDE, YOU COULD WIN THE WORLD. That is true.
All the best to you.