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Another MIL SIL story....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rukshana, Dec 3, 2007.

  1. rukshana

    rukshana New IL'ite

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    Hi all

    I'm new to this, so just be patient with me. I have been a member for a while, but instead of posting any threads, I've just been reading all the in-law ones!

    Here goes my story.... I'm married for a year now. We live with my in-laws and one unmarried sil. She is getting married next year April. I have no problem living with them as they treat me as their own child. The only problem is that since I got married, my MIL refuses to let me cook. She does not eat from anybody, except her sisters and daughters. I have tried, but everytime I make something, then she will find something wrong with it and just have a small bite or hardly even eat it. I know how to cook and my own family loves my cooking as I always tried new things. My MIL only cooks the old way. They not open to try pastas and roasts, etc. It hurts me when I make something and they do not eat it. My husband and FIL will be the only people to try ans they usually loves it. MIL and SIL's wont even try a dessert that I make. I do not know why, but It hurts me because I am use to people loving my food, etc. Even if I buy fruit or veg, then she will say its not right. She will always tell me in the nicest way that the fruit I bought was sour or the potatoes were green, etc. Also, it is never infront of anybody. She makes sure that we are alone. For the past year, every single time I made or bought something, then she would find fault with it. She want to cook alone and I must only assist her wuth whatever she tells me to do. I cannot tell my own mother this because I know she will feel insulted.

    Also, I know some of the ladies might even tell me that I should be happy that she is doing the cooking, but it makes me feel worthless and its really not good for my self-esteem! Yet, I can never say she was rude to me. She just always find a way to make me feel totally down, without being nasty. I have a part time maid that come to clean my little section and do my washing once a week. I pay her and because I only have my bedroom, toilet and a lounge area, i let her clean MIL lounge, etc too. Yet everytime the maid leaves, I must listen to a loooong list of complaints about how not nice she works, etc. And this too after stepping in after a hard day of work. My unmarried SIL does not lift a hand to clean the house, so I feel my maid is doing them a favour, so why must MIL complain?

    Then there is the married SIL. She has a rich husband and three kids. She is forever at our place. She has a beautiful house yet she and her kids and husband come sto us all the time! They making me mad, because the kids are forever shouthing or crying and soemtimes I just want some peace when I come from work. When I got married she was pregnant with her third child. A month later he was born and then she begged her mom to come and live with us. I think it is totally unfair as she took all the attention and privacy away from myself and husband who was still a very newly married couple. She stayed for almost two months and I really could not handle it. I used to cry alone in my room. It was terrible and I feel she was very selfish. MIL and FIL had to sleep on mattress in lounge as we do not have an extra bedroom. She has a brat of a daughter who is 7 years old, a son of 3 and the baby that is turning 1 soon. She has no control over her kids and when she is not by us then she phones her mom 30 times a day to ask for this and that.

    I do not mean to sound nasty, but I feel that she is being unfair. They dont sleep over, but she leaves at 23h50 every night. Or on the days that she does not come, she sends the kids over. They constantly knock on my room door and dont give us any peace. I love kids and I love these kids, but I feel its not my duty to look after them. I will have my own kids to care for one day.Sometimes I feel like baking or something, but then I cannot a sshe and her kids are sitting in the kitchen or she is making milk mixture for the baby and her son and daughter are busy playing on the floor with our pots and pans etc. Its been a year now and I;m still not pregnant. I honestly hope and pray that it os not because I'm so stressed about this situation.

    I feel so robbed of all the bliss that I was supposse to experience during the newly wed phase. I work and i feel drained the next day because I have to sleep so late. My family does not want to visit me because they say the house is always full of people and kids and they cannot visit me in peace. I have my own lounge at the back of the house, but there is no door to give us privacy. My MIL and FIL are great people, but when SIL comes there, they forget that they have a DIL on the house. My husband is great and he is always on my side. he knows how I feel and he even spoke to his Mom, but she does not want to do anything about the situation. Everything evolves around their daughter and her kids. She has a husband, yet she will phone my FIL or husband and ask them to go buy her bread or milk and drop it at her house, some times even late at night. I honestly do not know why she is being this way. She has a brand new car which is just standing in her gararge all the time. She can drive, but she prefers to be taken around in our cars. She comes to us and complains about her husbands sister all the time. Saying that she forever wants to come and sit at her houe, etc. But cant she see that she is being 100 times worse? MIL and FIL are also to blame because they are spoiling her.

    I'm sorry for the looong complaint, but I just had to get it out. I'm never nasty to them as I feel that it will just cause problems, but sometimes I feel that they can atleast have consideration for the fact that they have a DIL in the house.

    Please feel free to say whatever you ladies want to.

    PS. I'm muslim and sometimes when I make namaaz in my room I have to concentrate REAL hard cos the kids are making tooo much noise!!!
     
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  2. yamusarna

    yamusarna Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Well, i can just give a half same pinch......My situation is not completely same. I figured, the reason, MIL doesnot want to encourage your cooking, is beacuse she doesnot want to loose her position as th eone who cooks and the one who cooks good.....Seems ridiculous, but I guess this is the reason. My MIL almost does the same to me.......she will keep telling me the way she cooks a dish, or what I could do to make it better....and all.I know some people may say,that she is just trying to help, and teach, but I feel irritated when she does that.It does lower my self esteem and I feel really like a dumb ass because I cannot keep her happy or for that gain appreciation from her, which I frankly want to do.(As kiddish as it may seem, I like appreciation, but can also take direct critisicm......not the indirect one)

    I have been living with my husband abroad, and its been almost 3 years now.My husband likes my cooking, his friends do, and practically the whole world likes it except may be my Dear MIL.She has never said it but, conveys it in other ways.....

    I have stopped to make efforts to satisfy her. I know I will never be able to do that.If I try, I end up being dejected....and that it is followed by sleepless nights and unecessary stress and tension. I just let her do the work and cooking.I will just wait for the day, when she asks me to cook.I know she will.....one day.

    Frankly, I dont have solution or even answer to the problem, but it sometimes just feels good to have company(In problems). I just say to myself.....so its just not me feeling so, and end up feeling guilty for thinking bad of my sweet MIL........

    We sometimes say, irritatingly sweet..........may be that is what our MILs are......
    Welcome to the club.It does help to laugh at such things.... One more year, and you will reach there.

    As for having your kid......God willing it will happen soon.We are also yet to be blessed with baby, but I am somehow sure, God will not let me down.

    Take care,
    Yamuna.
     
  3. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Folks,

    Yamuna, your assessment is very true...i think Rukhsana is also in the same situation...her MIL is now trying to keep her away from the kitchen as Rukhsana is a good cook and her skills will be appreciated by all.

    Rukhsana don't worry...when you are in a crowd appreciate your MIL to the hilt...that she is so considerate about you working and dosen't allow you to cook and bother with house work etc...

    As for your SIL...if you have the support of your FIL then make him say that she is following in the footsteps of her SIL by coming here every now and then or maybe your husband can put it forward mildly.

    Since your husband is supportive...try to take a positive side of the entire situation other wise if you spoil your health or criticise too much maybe you will loose respect of your husband too.

    When you are doing Namaz you can tell the elders of the family that see to it that the kids don't disturb...keep faith in god and all will be fine.

    Don't worry yourself and spoil your health...and pray to the almighty that you are blessed with a child soon.

    Warm regards
    Roopa.
     
  4. rukshana

    rukshana New IL'ite

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    Hi Yamoorsana and Roopadadia

    Thanks for your replies. It somehow makes one feel better knowing there are people in similar situations or even worse. I will just continue praying and hope that things will improve. I will never say anything to my MIL or FIL because its their daughter and I do not want to create problems. I also know that I am merely a DIL and they will never take my side.

    I do tend to feel very sad at times, though. But I will try to stay positive and will try my best not to let it affect my mental health!

    Thanks again. You guys are great!
     
  5. HRC

    HRC New IL'ite

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    Hi Ruksana,

    well i understand what ur going through. i will never say that u have to be happy when pleople dont appreciate u. But u can do 1 bold thing if ur sil wants to cook just leave the kitchen and relax. when she gets tired of cooking herself without anybodies help she will come on line i faced the same prob even at my home.

    So take a chill pill and try this trick it might work out.
     
  6. Priya Praveen

    Priya Praveen New IL'ite

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    Hi Ruksana,

    Dont worry, all the MIL's has the same character...........There will be a time when themself will be bored and restless to cook , at that time you can use that oppurtunity..........lets wait and see
     
  7. Ramyakaushik

    Ramyakaushik New IL'ite

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    Hai Rukshana,

    All married people face any one problem or the other by the inlaws. The main reason behind it is sense of insecurity.They want whole control in their hands and they cannot
    accept a new person taking control of things . They might be polite inorder people should feel bad about them . The only way as yamuna said is appreciate her cooking and you must happy that your husband is enjoying the food . He is most important person in your life . You should always keep in mind that you must keep your husband by ur side so that you can happy when everybody lets you down. And for the kids issue If the kids listen you can ask them keep silent and may be ask them to pray or else go by their way and ask them to leave you alone .

    Be happy with your Husband and dont get worried about your MIL as everyone has this problem and it cannot be solved unless they realize.

    Thanks ....

    Ramyakaushik
     
  8. kk_karthi2000

    kk_karthi2000 Bronze IL'ite

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    Its true MIL and SIL will be like that only, dont get disappointed by all these silly stuffs. Be relaxed. And try to appriciate your MIL's cooking in front of others.

    Really others advice are good try to follow it soon problem will be resolved.

    All d best
    Karthi
     

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