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Another kid or work ..help me decide

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Bts, Mar 31, 2010.

  1. Bts

    Bts Junior IL'ite

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    ello Ladies..
    I have come here several times to read and found answers to my questions without even opening my thread. Infact this site makes me think hard and find good balance in relationships.
    I am happily married for last 7.5yrs to my own cousin. Auctually we married out of our choice though both set of parents had their own apprehensions in approval.
    As usual my relationship with IL's is not rocking but cordial as we live under the same roof. After marriage my dh has been in and out of country for work . FOr 2 years after marriage i too worked in india. Later i quit and joined my husband much to the chagrin of my IL's. In the meantime one of my SIL who was married few months ahead of us was having a troubled start and was a major hindrance in our marital life . We literally had no marital pleasure or closeness cos of that.Imagine 2 people working their asses for 10 hrs straight and 1.5 hrs one way travel. Come home late to listen the woes of his sisters thru mum, he is totally upset. Im equally pizzed.
    That was the reason i went to join him atleast lead a normal life without day to day interference. Unfortunately exactly that time my husband had the most turbulent time of his career.Although he insisted not to have kids then i insisted as i was totally depressed with no job, left in a studio appt in a cold country thru winter was horrifying and ttc for 2 yrs already.. Yes we succeeded soon and i have a lovely 4 yr old DS. My pregnancy was not easy either as i left to india in 4th month with nausea and home sickness and what follwed was nothing worthwhile to recall. My mil did take care of me well but she bitched endlessly to my sil's abt me and made me work like a slave ,fought with my mom abt delivery and how to do it . Tears still role even when i think of it..My DH would not understand much over phone and was always gively lovely pic by his parents and do all cheap things behind.
    After that i joined with my son abroad and came back to india . I joined work in couple of months and left my son with IL's to take care. They are old and told too difficult to take care of my son.so i had to quit.. and again was now in conflict mode with my IL's Afterwhile DH again was abroad for a project so me and son joined him and had the happiest year of my married life till date. We returned back to india to continue living with IL's
    Now its decision time for me . Im already 32 yrs and out of work for 3 yrs. DH wants to have another kid as he feels he never supported or helped me in the firstone. I am confused as
    1.My MIL acted( acting and will act) weird with me as her 2nd daughter is yet to have kids and that is one of the main reason she gets agitated.She will make my life horrible if i have another kid.I can understand her pain but i can't do much when she is unwilling for any treatment with known problems at 38.
    2.She keeps giving me hints that i shd start working again . do some teacher trng etc although im not interested in that kind of a job at all.So she might again not support with my job ( in MNC's fulltime )although i dont intend to get her help for taking care of my son
    3. I neither want to take her help for my 2nd delivery post or pre. Nor will i be able to bring mymum to this house for long period of time( We live in my il's house and my mil will coolly ask my mum when she is leaving on 2nd day of her arrival )
    4. I cant go to my mum's place either as she lives with my bro( married ) although she is financially independent. ( my dad passed away wheni was young )
    5. I am worried abt pt 1. to 4 cos my DH will keep moving up and down and he cannot assure to be present during the complete pregnancy. Main reason why i did not have a baby while i was abroad for a yr.
    6. I want to get back to work, have some financial independence and have kid ,then my mil will have lil say in how things happen .But DH is really worried as im already 32 and deliveries later than this can get complicated . Being blood relatives we might have more problems added to this.
    DH is totally with me on this and says he will support whatever decision i take even if i choose to have only one kid. But somehow i feel iam letting him down and my son.
    I am praying to god to lead me to something and i felt maybe ladies at IL would be able to guide me better. Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading. If you are confused with my post do write ..( no wonder even i am :)) I will clarify

    thanks in adv
     
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  2. roses_bloom

    roses_bloom Junior IL'ite

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    It sounds like you've already started creating a pros and cons list in your mind. Based on everything that YOU have said in your write up - it's clear that you are leaning towards going back to work.

    You've said more about wanting to get a job than you have about wanting another child. Life is too short, go with what you truly want and stop worrying about planning your life around other markers.

    Good Luck!
     
  3. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    May be you can arrive at a decision using these tips..

    First decide whether you, DH & DS want another kid (forget about all ifs and buts and imagine a rosy pic. then find out your true desire. do all 3 of you want another kid?)

    If yes, then think about the pros and cons of having one now or later.

    Just becoz, your SIL has no kid yet, you do not have to wait. Whether your MIL wants or not has nothing to do with this.

    Fellow Ladies, correct me if I am wrong.. As for age, docs advise to have first baby before 35. so second before 35 should not be a big deal.. so you can wait for another yr or so.. but keep in mind, deciding to conceive is no guarantee to conceive the very next month.. it will take its own sweet time.. so waiting again is a gamble..

    Bottomline, if you 3 love to have another kid, and it is affordable financially, and you have thought about how to manage this pregnancy without your ILs help, go for it..
     
  4. Bts

    Bts Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks roses bloom for posting a reply.64 people have taken time to read but only you have replied first..Thanks again,
    Would'nt it be too late to have a baby after few years ??is the only question harping my mind.. Waiting for others to reply
     
  5. Bts

    Bts Junior IL'ite

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    Ms true.. thanks for replying. very true..me and dh go thru this talk every now and then..All the more confusing it gets .. iam not landing any job so all the more frustrating it gets.hope to get into something this summer
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Bts,

    Once you planned for second kid,easily you need support for another 3-4 years to raise small kid unless you decided not to work.
    I think here you priority should be work or second kid.I beleive you can't manage both of them because if you choose to work and baby then you need some ones support 24/7 and even lot people are getting scare to leave the small baby on the servant.
    On ther other hand once you decided to choose baby and not work then it may difficult for you to find another again after so much break and you may wont'e even find one.
    I would go with find job as soon as you can and look for someone who can help you if you have baby.Like some long distance relations where they don't have any one and then plan for a baby.So you have job and also you can also plan for a baby little later.I know the time is ticking but people do have successfull pregenencys even when they are 36.
    So first look for job and see you get any lucky and little later think about another kid and don't expect anything from your in-laws.
     
  7. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    hi bts,
    personally,i feel there should be not more then a gap of 5 years between kids.u already have a ds so u know what problems u faced during 1st pregnancy & what to expect later with small baby.u are intelligent & i guess u will find ways this time to make urself more comfortable during preg & later.
    u can hire maid,take medicine to stop nausea & so on.
    well,if u want to work then also u still have lots of time to plan for babyas u r only 32 .maybe work fOr 1 year & then start ttc process.till u succeed u continue working & later decide according to ur health conditionS.
    even if inlaws cannot look after the baby themself atleast there is someone to watch over the maid should u decide to continue working after baby.
    if u want to call ur mom then u should inform ur inlaws beforehand,ask ur dh to discuss & remind ur inlaws gently that its ur house too & u should be free to invite ur mom & other relatives.
    ur sils problem has noting to do with u.just refuse to be drawn into any discussion involving her efforts to get pregnant & avoid giving any suggestions.
    Pragati
     
  8. Bts

    Bts Junior IL'ite

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    Hey gals.. thanks for the reply.. I guess more or less my decision is made.. I need to focus to get job soon to get things rolling..

    Hey my SIL having a kid makes a lots of difference in my life.. Itsnt that simple that i can ignore that part. Pray to god to bless her soon with akid her own or atleast adopt so that she is happy.. My happiness and peace of mind would be restored..
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi ,
    Keep a maid for helping around the house if you to go back to work or you decide to have another baby. It will be a big help either way.
    One cannot be dictated by relatives on such issues , your SIL has her own life and so do you.
     

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