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Another Instance of Evil Daughter-in-law

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by varalotti, Apr 14, 2006.

  1. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    I am Proud To Be An ILite!

    Most Gracioius ILites,
    I hesitated to post this thread because I know from a casual glance of Who Am I there are far more dils than mils and that this is a sort of "current trend". I thought the dil will be defended by many.
    But you stood firmly on the side of fairness and told the world that this dil is wrong.
    Many of you have pointed out that this is a current trend. And that's what bothers me. If we are going to disregard a person's likes and dislikes and impose hard chores on them simply because we want to live a care-free life, then that is not a good sign for the world. And never can we hope to build the temple of our happiness on the foundation of somebody's unhappiness - even if that somebody happens to be the self-effacing, voiceless, poor mil like Malathi.
    I am happy all of us are on the right side. In this case we don't have anything to do but pray God that the gross injustice meted out to Malathi be corrected at the earliest opportunity.
    Thanks for the overhwhelming response, dears,
    Varalotti
     
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  2. manju_j

    manju_j New IL'ite

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    Hello Varalotti & others,

    I am coming back to the site after quite sometime. This is the thread that most captured my attention and should say I got a bit emotional to respond.

    First of all, in my opinion, I would not want to call this DIL - an evil. I feel it is a little rude to call her so. I agree she has given less priority for her baby compared to the priority given to her career. As Purnima mentioned, she could have chosen a job in the local city/country (even if it would pay less, without foregoing her career), instead of deciding to go abroad. That way she could have balanced it more better. Also, she should have consulted for a frank opinion and will of her MIL Malathi in taking care of her baby, rather than just dumping it on her.

    When many of you here can speak for the MIL Malathi getting into her shoes, that she should enjoy the interests of her age group, why not think that this DIL also has equal rights to be interested in work, career and money (nothing wrong even if she is intered in money, after all she is going to use it for her family & kids). Why call this DIL evil for this reason?

    Coming to Malathi's son & husband, I feel they are the evils here. Why didn't Malathi's son talk to his wife about balancing his work, his wife's career interests, growing their baby, etc? He did not want to compromise his travelling job, so I think he did not have the guts to tell his wife to choose a local job or stop her from going abroad. Also, with Malathi's husband he is being self centred in ensuring his mother being taken care by Malathi.

    Lastly, about Malathi, why didn't she voice her needs & interests to any of them? It is she who has just accepted what came to her. Is she trying to do some sacrifice here or get the pity feelings of everyone? If she is a sacrificing woman, I don't see the need to feel pity for her and think of her interests.

    I had a very good growing career before my marriage. I got married and came abroad, was not able to go to work due to legal restrictions abroad. By the time I could figure out to sort them out and get a job, we decided to get into the family way. Now, for the reasons of my baby, I decided not to go to work till my baby is able to be independent to an extent atleast - may be till the age of 3 to 4 years. Many times I get upset for having foregone my career, but at the same time I also console myself for taking that time to be for my kid and keep thinking I should soon catchup my career after few years. It is at times really hard to think about giving up the career, in spite of all the dreams & visions I had for my career life.

    Now here again these decisions are individual based. We can't generalise saying it is becoming the trend, if a woman chooses career on top of family and kids she is being evil, or if a woman choose kids on top of career only then she is being a responsible family woman, etc. If that be the case, we will not have any professional women successful in their career, everyone would have quit their jobs and stayed at home for having kids.

    I strongly believe, if aged parents or in-laws are happy taking care of their grand children, it is nothing evil about the DIL to leave the kid and go to work. She can always try and balance to spend the time for the kids while back home and during the weekends/holidays, etc. If she is able to make money for the family and support the husband and afford a good higher education for the kid in future with all the money she makes in her career, is somebody going to say it is evil and no to that money ???

    These are my views. Hope I have not offended anyone here by sharing my views.
     
  3. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    We are not offended, Manju

    Dear Manju,
    I know that evil is a harsh term but could not help using it. Well, I am not laying any fetters on dil's freedom. If she takes her child along and then goes to work in Antartica and Iceland, I will simply salute the grit in that woman. But shirking off the responsibility to her mil is something I can't digest. And that too leaving a 9 month old child in India and going to work in America, is something that makes the dil richly deserve the title evil.
    Many people have said that Malathi should have put her foot down. But knowing Indian women, Indian mothers, it is an impractical suggestion. Malathi objecting to the arrangement might strain her relationship with her son, which is the last thing in the world she might want to happen.
    The dil ought to have known this. She ought to have know what it is to bring up a child when its mother is half away across the globe. I would brand the dil as totally insensitive.
    Manju, if dil wanted to go to work and her husband supported her, he resigned his job and took the responsibility as a full time househusband, I will definitely appreciate the decision and salute the husband.
    But this kind of exploitation of an unsuspecting mil is something I can't tolerate.
    Would love to have your views on this,
    Varalotti
     
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  4. rvnachar

    rvnachar Silver IL'ite

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    Malathy's predicament

    Dear Sridhar,

    This is exactly what will be the position of women like me, who will have very old in-laws to tend to, while fulfilling the duties towards our children and we will be in a perfect fix. Of course, at 60, it is not a joke taking care of a 9-month old child even for a day, let alone for years, without the mother around! I would dread such a situation and would not support my own daughter to pursue a career in such a situation. My sister, who was a leading software engineer and was doing very well for herself in the Silicon Valley, took a break for 5 years to take care of her second son. Though on and off she would feel depressed and shout at her husband for the unfairness of the system, she realised the importance of a mother's presence for the child and enjoyed her motherhood thoroughly. Now, after he got into school, she got back to a job, maybe after a struggle. But she is satisfied of having spent the best time with her son. In my case, my mother was in her forties when I gave birth to my daughter and I was working for a Bank. My mil too was in her forties and my 55-year old fil was at home, after retirement, hale and healthy. My five sisters-in-law were students and would be back home by 1 in the afternoon. I begged them to take care of my daughter, those days there were hardly any reliable day-care centres. But they refused flatly and refused all my suggestions like I would finish all the cooking, appoint a sit-in maid to help them and what not! My mother then came to my rescue, because she did not want me to quit. My job was important more for my mental peace than the money because I was abused thoroughly mentally by my family members and could not think of spending the entire day without my husband. I would have ended up in a mental hospital! I would go to my mother's place every evening to breast-feed my daughter and get back in the night. Even that would be objected to by my mil. Today, I am left to take care of her in her old age. She has been paralysed for the last 10 years and I do not hesitate to do all errands including helping her with the bed pan! But I cannot forget that she did nothing for me.

    But definitely, if I had to work in a different city, I would not have pursued such a career. That is the worst thing to do. I suggest people who are too career oriented to forget breeding a family because both career and family need equal attention and beyond a stage, it is really difficult to balance. I quit my job only because of that. I could not do full justice to my job and would not like to rot in one cadre for long and work only for the money. My responsibilities at home increased because both my in-laws are dependent and my teenage children needed my company and care.

    I fully agree with Sridhar that it is physically a punishment to be left with a 90-year old lady and a 9-month old kid to take care of at 60 years. The son and dil are being too self centred and the mil is being too goody-goody, which is not correct.

    With love,

    Sudha Narasimhachar
     
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  5. nuggehallipankaja

    nuggehallipankaja New IL'ite

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    delicate situation

    This is really a very delicate situation, for Malathi ofcourse. I would suggest she have a heart to heart talk with her son- putting her problems squarely before him, and request his help to decide. He is bound to understand.
    No use in being a martyr! My experience in life is, the more good you are, the more footrug you become-what happens to the footrug in the end?

    My heart goes out to Sudha,how much she must have sufferred! But her placid expression doesn't betray it a whit! And to take care of the hard-hearted m.i.l even
    now--she is an angel! May the good deeds form into luck-strewn paths for her children to tread!
    Nuggehalli Pankaja
     
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  6. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Wonderful Words, Pankaja!

    Dear Pankaja,
    Ever since I saw Sudha's post I have been wanting to reply. But whatever I attempted to write, they just crumbled before the sufferings of Sudha. I tried and tried and ultimately gave up, knowing well, that a more competent person would do that job. And you have done that, Pankaja.
    What more can I say than quote your words verbatim:
    "she is an angel! May the good deeds form into luck-strewn paths for her children to tread!"
    May these golden words become a prayer in our minds and may God shower Sudha with His Choicest Blessings.
    And Pankaja, very gracefully you have shown to us that anyday you are the better writer.
    May you live long and may you be blessed.
    sridhar
     
  7. rr99

    rr99 Senior IL'ite

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    Though evil is a strong word, I feel the circumstances of the case justifies its use. For the dil had not considered anybody else outside herself. She has not considered her husband, her mil or her nine months old child.

    I know many Ilites are career women. But I am sure none of you will be as cruel as this girl.

    I want all the gracious ladies of IL to think over this situation and give their views.

    Varalotti [/quote]


    Varalotti,
    There are 2 independent cases here, Maalthy & her MIL & the supposedly evil (Yes, its too strong & unjustified a description) DIL. The straight fwd solution for Malathy wd be to say, Get a hired babysitter like other career women do, I cant leave this depended handicapped lady, The kid can adjust the old lady on her last legs cant... Simple... Neither is the DIL evil nor is Mallathy at fault..
    rr99
     
  8. NidhiJain

    NidhiJain New IL'ite

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    I don't understand 1 thing....if career is so important and they are not settled enough in their career to take some years of break then why they(both girls and boys) get married and on top of that have kids.This is kind of funny.They don't have any planning at all?This is really ridiculous to me.
    If they can not take kid's responsibility why they bring a new life to this world.Its okay..if fathers don't take responsibility of taking care of kids..they are at fault at the first place but mother also refuse to take care of kids whatever the reason may be then in this fight who is actually suffering?their kids and poor lady like Malathi.I think Malathi has right to enjoy her life in her last stages of life...and she should take a firm step and tell her son and DIL her final decision.MIL should help her son and DIL but it doesn't mean that they take advantage of this and load all their responsibilities on MIl's shoulder.If they commit a mistake to bring a kid without planning..they should suffer not anybody else.If somebody in relatives are forcing DILs to have kids then also its them who have to take ultimate decision and tell them strictly..no they are not ready in place of giving punishment to their poor innocent kids and other family membersEven in America i have seen American ladies taking 4 years of break to take care of their kids.Its such a advance country ...here also they make sacrifices then why Indian women of this age has so much ego that they can even let their children suffer because of that.
    Even mother has given the place of God and she is always given the higher position than father in her children life.If she makes sacrifices for well being and good brought up of her kids then its worth it But i think she should not let men take advantage of her kindness...Give them responsibilies too...communicate with them frankly.If they refuse....be strict to them.
    If you don't its your fault.Don't let your kids or MIL suffer because of that.
    I am not saying women should always make sacrifices but if men is not ready to sacrifice at any cost and women too is not okay with that then better either not to get married or at least not having kids.
    I forget to mention 1 thing...i don't have any sympathy for malathi and women like her who can not stand for themselves.I don't know anout the Malathi but some women blame the rest of the world or cry what the world did to them.If you want peace and happiness ..you have to make certain compromises and at least will have to speak for yourself.in short every women have to come out of their safety shells.Those who choose not to..its their choice to live for rest of their life like that.Nobody can do anything for them if they choose not to do for themselves.As far as her son is concerned for not speaking up her problem...he is her son...he will understand and if he doesn't then also what is she getting from him.Its always better to be frank and speak up in a right manner ,,in a right time then to create volcanoes in your heart and finally spoil the relationships in the end.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2008
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  9. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

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    This is a very interesting topic and I would like to share a few instances with you all and get your views on what is right and what is not:

    1. A cousin of mine became a grandmother recently. Her son and DIL are both working for software MNCs ( in different firms).

    She made it clear to her son and DIL that they would be responsible for their own children and should not look to her for help. They live seperately in the same city. She says she told her DIL that whether she keeps her job or chucks it is her choice. The child is their responsibility and not the in laws.

    2. Is the case of my sis-in -law who too is a new g'mother. Her DIL has started going back to work and leaves the baby with my SIL who is happily taking care of the baby. It is working out now but my SIL is not keeping good health her husband too is handicapped. What will happen when she is unable to take care of the baby?

    3. This is the case of a g'mother in USA. She was living in Florida, when her daughter in Georgia changed her jobs and needed help with her son who would be coming back from school much before she got back from the office. So she asked the chid's g'mother to come and live with them. Now the g'mother looks after the meals, the laundry and the grandson when he gets back from school. The best part is that she gets paid for the work by her daughter and her daughter is not taking the mother's help for granted. Of course they are Americans and this is what is very good about them.

    Do write back what are your views on these arrangements?
     
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  10. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    No one can comment about any of the above arrangements. If it works for the families, then it is nobody's business but theirs.

    As a new mother, I had ZERO support from my in-laws AND my parents. Neither of them wanted to stay in the US for extended periods of time, so I was on my own. With great struggle and a LOT of cooperation from my hubby, I managed to finish quite a bit of coursework for my second Bachelor's degree in a field of my choice. Now that my daughter is 3-and-a-1/2, and attending preschool 5 x a week, life has become much more easier.

    I'm now older and our family situation has changed. Hubby has a new boss and this person does not look favorably on employees telecommuting at all. So if / when I have another child, I will simply opt to stay home full time. My in-laws and parents are older, too, and even if they did stay with us for a bit, I doubt that they would be able to manage an infant AND a preschooler at the same time. The way I see it, they have paid their dues with respect to child rearing, so it is now my turn.

    I would, of course, love the moral and emotional support one receives from having in-laws and / or one's own parents in the house. But it won't happen. In-laws have health conditions now and one of my brothers wants my parents to watch his kid. I don't want to put my parents in the delicate situation of having to choose between their grandkids, so since B & SIL need help while I can do this on my own, I happily will.
     
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