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Annoyed By Sister In Law's Stupidity

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by mindwar, Apr 29, 2020.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Let them worry about their own problems.
    Whatever good may be your intentions, no one appreciate unwanted advice. If your brother can get a job by his merit ,he can manage his finance too. He dont have to inform about his savings or retirement plan to you.

    If you don't want to spoil your relationship with brother and family, stay away from involving too much into their life . Let them own it. Your over anxiety is not good for anyone. I feel that they have lot of patience. Let them learn and be independent in their own ways.

    But if they need help and ask for it, and if you can help them, they will appreciate it for sure. But lower your expectations. We can't predict how people take our suggestions or follow it. It's their choice.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2020
  2. mindwar

    mindwar Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks to everyone that responded. I understand what you all mean but my family dynamics is different from other families. I am emotionally over invested in the family that I was born into than my own married life. It hurts me when anything goes wrong there (in all aspects). I don't try to control or choke them by monitoring their every decision. I have done them more good than wrongs. Till date, whenever I step into my house,I have been very conscious that neither my parents not my brother spend a single penny on me. I overspend there more than they do. Not just spending, offering help to meet all their requirements.

    But in some ways, this is a wake up call for me.

    Rihana, you made lot of sense. Thanks for that post. your choice of words is outstanding.
     
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  3. mindwar

    mindwar Bronze IL'ite

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    I need some suggestions to nip off the jealousy that I feel towards my husband. I can't express real happiness when he brings any good news about his family. Why am I behaving like this? My fear is that this can multifold when I see him interacting with his family.

    He has been critical of my family in the past and we are over the bump now. His personality has improved and on top of that I gave him a real hard time last year because of pent up feelings. He apologized.

    But whenever I see some issues within my birth family, I sense the jealousy rearing it's head. It's like am in some competition with my husband. So weird.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Looks like you are as hard on yourself about your bitterness and jealousy as you are on your brother and SIL about their financial life style. :smiley:

    I think it's not weird, it's natural. We envy what others have and we cannot have. As a parent, one can feel bad that one child makes friends easier than the other one does. Years ago, when I used to see my friends' parents visiting them in the summer and reading Amar Chitra Katha with the kids, playing cricket or talking in mother-tongue with them, it'd ruin my whole summer. I'd try to enroll my kids in the most expensive summer camps to make up. : )

    So, just as we might envy our friends having a great relationship with their parents, we can envy husband having the same thing. You are asking how to stop the jealousy, so you are taking the right first step. What worked for me was to think of it somewhat like this: I wouldn't wish what I am going through on my worst enemy. I am glad H doesn't have to go through this. While I at times envy the ease and common sense they have in their dealings, I am happy for him. For all our fights and arguments, his happiness matters to me, so I am happy in that way. I know the pain. If I was feeling physical pain, and he wasn't, I wouldn't want him to. So, I don't want him to feel this mental pain or heartache either."

    Over the years, as any kid(s) you have grow older, knowing more about the family dynamics in mom's and dad's families and contrasting them serves them with valuable life lessons.

    Don't feel bad about the weird competition. Husbands and wives have the strangest competitions in the course of married life. I now laugh at how we used to see who our one year old prefers - dad or me. As I held her in my arms near the closet mirror, H held out his arms and told her, "Come to me." She went. Then, I did the same. After a few times of this back and forth, she lost interest, decided it was enough and randomly stayed put in the arms of one of us. I think whoever was closer to the mirror so she could touch it with her grimy fingers. We took that choice of hers as the winning vote. : ) Later we realized it was not a nice thing to do to a little child! : )
     
    mindwar likes this.
  5. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    My thoughts are exactly same as Rihanas.


    Op, I understand your feeling. I have younger brother who is married recently. I have brought him up like a second mother literally.
    And, I always worried about him too and did a lot for him even before he would ask.
    But ai receieved big blow when after marriage, from day1 my bro ignored me never shared anything abt his life not come to me anymore for advices.

    I realised that he is on his own n he owns explanations only to his wife n none else.
    We sisters cant protect them all life.

    You are lucky you have good relationship with your brother and his wife. But please don't ruin it by interfering into financial matters of their lives.

    As Rihana already rightly said, you lose the value of your help when you attach your advices to it.
    You may mean well, but you can't control how others take it.

    Just like when a child is learning to walk, he falls, gets hurts cries. But parents dont forever hold their hand right. They encourage child to learn from the fall and eventually walk.

    After marriage even closes siblings should know their boundaries of interference in each others perosnal lives else one day, you will end up losing this close bond.


    Financially if they ask your help, you have every right to not help them or help only what is okay to give without disturbing your savings or expenses.

    Also, be happy for having good inlaws. By your post, I feel you are too much into your brother's family and lot of resentment of not talking to your parents and not able to fully accept ur husband as your primary family now.

    When you focus on your husband and yourself and your kids, this lot off pain, jealousy and resentment will be reduced.
     
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