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Annoyed At New In Laws Behaviour

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Shivika992, Apr 14, 2020.

  1. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your replies. I’m making a conscious effort to keep my distance from SIL and keep my cool. I’ve realised how much my confidence has taken a beating since I got married due to problems with SIL.. it’s already hard to adjust to a new place and people.. and to hear comments about you not doing this or that right or how she herself is perfect ..makes it very difficult. I have just just sat and listened and smiled back and let go.. to all their comments. So that dh or in-laws don’t get angry! It’s been extremely difficult! Ive learnt that best way to send across a message to bad behaviour is to stay away or avoid SIL..when she talks badly to me or tries to rub it in my face that she has it all... send a message by avoiding her.. Dh has no expectations that I be best friends with his sister.. just have a good relationship with everyone. It was a wrong expectation in my mind that I be best friends with mil and sil.. My own parents always taught me if you treat inlaws like mother and sister then they will treat you like real daughter and sister.. but I guess this doesn’t apply in my case!
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2020
  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Your experience applies to almost every one. Thsts why I mentioned in all my posts that MIL ( SIL) will be always MIL( SIL),not mother(sister). I learned it from my from friend and I mentioned it in my reply #37 . Lowering that expectation really helped me plus my in laws are basically good people.

    Most important point is to be yourself. You dont have change your personality for anyone, it wont help in long run. If someone cross your boundaries, you need to stop them right there whether its is your dh or his family or anyone else. But how it should be done. That's where we need to think well and find the response that work for you. If my dh complaints about a household job I have done , I agree with him and will tell, ok , if you think you can do a better job than me do it yourself. It really worked for me.

    At the same time its important to maintain a cordial relationship with dh family for a happy married life, especially in joint familyset up. Else all those blame will be on you. If you dont have confidence in stopping someone from mistreating you by verbally in calm, composed ,respectful way, you can chose avoiding/ ignoring. Ignoring or giving silence for some time is a great method to convey your displeasure. Whatever it is the person should get an idea that you dont like that behavior. I generally give a few chances, but if they continue the same I convey it verbally in a diplomatic, assertive way. Its also important to learn how to use the word NO if needed.

    What work for one wont work for other person. So explore and find the method that works for you. But try your best to maintain a cordial relationship with Dh's family. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2020
    joylokhi likes this.
  3. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @Shivika992 how long you have been married ?
    SIL living near by combined with her attitude to put you down is recipe for disaster . The only solution is to minimize interaction with her . She will never allow her mom to be close with you since she will always be fueling her against you .Be your DH best friend . Depending on your tolerance level you can sometimes respond back to her highlighting your good side without defending her complains against you. How is your husband taking all these ? Is it possible to let mil know that her words are affecting your feelings ? At the end of the day you don’t need to give up your self respect just because your DH sister doesn’t understand what accommodating another human being means . Slowly and steadily build your strength in your home . The place you live with your DH is your home . Your in laws cannot get the benefit of having two married adult children co-existing in same space on daily basis . Don’t focus on her complains instead see how you can build relationship with husband . You should try to visit your sil home often as she visits yours so you can sometime answer back with her complains . I’m all for girls visiting their parents but they cannot cross the line with spouse of siblings . If they do then they should denied the privilege to come and go as they wish
     
  4. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @Shivika992 if this is even remotely related to your name in real life please request for username change . Once posted content cannot be deleted or altered
     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 Finest Post Winner

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  6. Maha99

    Maha99 New IL'ite

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    I think the main point here is the differentiation between brother and sister...I can understand OP because I suffered it....There is no love, affection, encouragement for my DH....all the blunders of SIL towards DH are over looked....Very unfair treatment towards a son....Why? Definitely, OP's going to face problem when her kids arrive...recently, when we went to India, my FIL who is totally biased towards SIL and BIL choose to ignore my son's request for prasad while giving prasad to SIL's kids....his lack of affection in my son is so damn obvious....and he dotes on SIL kids...how is it going to affect my son?

    OP you better cut your losses because this is going to lead to what I am suffering....This will not stop here....have a talk with your DH...Be assertive even for love and affection from them....that way, at least in front of you they will not do the bias...but definitely this will not stop them doing in your absence....Sorry :-(
     
  7. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

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    Yes you are exactly right, MIL & SIL discuss abt me behind my back.. I’ve heard them few times.. when SIL comes over she treats me like I’m the guest in the house, same behaviour with MIL when daughter is around. I feel like they are the queens of the house and I’m just an outsider.. it seems PILs make extra effort to ensure daughter feelings are not hurt with new incoming person.. as SIL has complained many times that she does not get as much attention as before..
    I have taken this groups advice and started ignoring and focusing on my own activities.. but due to lockdown SIL is here everyday and I cannot ignore her all the time as it will be rude.. I am always smiling and letting go of everything. Being in lockdown, I am getting severely depressed by all this. I feel something is wrong with me only that I can’t fit in here as my in laws are good people... and I am considering leaving my husband and going back to parents after lockdown as I don’t feel I can fit into new family
     
  8. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    Payal Saini, are there enough privacy controls on your Womaniya site?

    Are users allowed to delete their posts later?
    Are users allowed to deactivate and delete their account and account information?
    Are users allowed to change their username?
    Does your site members'personal stories and threads appear in google search or is it protected?
     

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