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Annoyed At New In Laws Behaviour

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Shivika992, Apr 14, 2020.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    No...that part is just because they seem more comfortable with the daughter and that seems like a perfectly viable option. What is the harm in people trying out living with the child they seem comfortable with even if the child happens to be a daughter.May be you should stop thinking like the mother of a son .
    It is a genuine suggestion ...even if it seems like a travesty to the mothers of sons who take it as a given right .

    It is hypocricy for people to have double standards when it comes to daughter and dil.

    Joint families operate on a system and if you choose it then dil should not be the only one adjusting . Everyone including the daughter of the house needs to adjust.

    When everyone ,including the daughter lives in a joint family ,then there are less double standards.

    If the daughter wants to stay around and be a part of family on the regular
    basis then the dil needs a place of her own just like the daughter's husband has where he can have his breathing space.

    Op...I would suggest you tell your husband that you do not like the unnecessary comments from his sister.

    Tell him you can only ignore for that long and someday you may feel the need to answer back. Let him know you are telling him so that he understands if that ever happens.

    Don't drag it...just let him know .Don't discuss.

    Adjusting does not mean one person has to just listen to unnecessary nonsense from people just because they think the other person 'has to take it' .

    Don't try too hard
    You tried.
    Build a life of your own.
    Go shopping with your husband and your mom.
    Visit your family with your husband and enjoy.
    Go out with husband for vacations...short and long .
    Make friends around you and at work .
    Have get togethers with them .

    Try to look at the silver linning in the clouds and you will realise that this situation gives you a lot of freedom to have your own life. Enjoy what you have rather than what you don't.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020
  2. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    When we have a guest at home new or even an old acquaintance ...

    would we like it of that guest takes a free unhindered tour of our home ?
    Would that guest even go to all parts of our home without being asked ?
    that guest is as comfortable in our home as we make him/her to be . even a little neighborhood kid comes to our home only if he feels loved and welcomed .

    i know dil is not a guest but a part of the new family (supposedly) . but sometimes she in such households gets treated as a guest only in important matters or an even lesser mortal. why the onus is always on the dil to mingle with them and make it her home and her family.
    i know to be closer to h you would need to mingle , to stay peacefully etc etc .
    but when their is a new person amongst you , wouldn't the pre existing group make any welcome changes to accommodate the new member. when you clearly discuss even general household matters in hush hush manner , talk behind her back , joke about her and show it with your words and actions that she is not part of the inner family circle its very tough for a dil to try to be a part of their family .

    this becomes much more worse when even h has been taught to only trust his family for anything important and not the wife. its the thinking that stays the same sometimes no matter whether you are newly married or not .

    I wish some one had told me this in my newly married days that like mil is never a mother and dil is never a daughter one sided relationship and trust building measures from only the dil is never worth it .
    even if ils are excused for being old fashioned how difficult it is for sil to tell her mother to ask her new dil for such small matters as in buying things from outside for the household to make her feel a part of that house.
    being in the same age group and current generation sil can easily sit down and talk to her parents about doing their part for building a good relationship with the new member but that never happens . only when the other person is atleast remotely reasonable that our positive measures work sometime or the other . other wise i now realize that starting on a small scale and and then wait and watch works better instead of putting 100% efforts in the beginning itself and getting 100% disappointed.

    If h is a rational person in such a scenario is the biggest blessing one could ask for .

    OP , my analogies may seem unclear , ignore it. i only want to say that try to form a working relationship with ils positively but if you see that your efforts are being ignored dont do more than what you can also conveniently ignore .

    Do little things and see how they receive it and build up on it.
    even ils or h has to reciprocate to your positive advances otherwise you would be more disappointed and this wont be feasible in long term for your own mental health .

    saying this from my own disappointments and misplaced efforts during both newly married and not so newly married days and lessons learnt .
     
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  3. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    The key point in your reply is "Everyone knew their boundaries" that only happens in 1% of the family.

    Your answer is like Ambani saying to the common folks if I can celebrate my daughters wedding so grand you can also celebrate your daughters wedding in a grand way.

    You conveniently changed the statement, we are discussing about someone showing up at their parents place everyday we are not discussing about kids visiting their parents place.

    What is wrong in recognizing that the DIL is a new person who is trying to start a new life in a new place and being patient with her ? They are the elders and they should have a matured brain right ?
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020
  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Op I read most of the replies here and understood that it's not what exactly you are looking for. But the solutions are very much in these replies given by DDream n others in similar lines . One thing I can say it's totally fine to have the thought process you are having. It's very normal. Everyone will have that. I have myself been in a similar situation as you and trust me it gets better as the number of years goes up in your marriage. You will understand that you wasted good amount of your precious time thinking how you have tried to change something which weren't in your hands to change at all and trust me you'll find it silly too. (at least I have felt that way). Few pointers in random order :
    -- You can't change a mother's love towards her daughter nor can you expect that your MIL will love you like she loves her daughter and give priority to you when you offer her to go for shopping.
    - As long as your husband is on your side supporting you and doesn't make you feel you are an "alien" in "your new home" DO NOT worry about SIL-MIL-FIL dynamics . The moment he takes their side making you feel left out, you should start worrying. Until then enjoy this new life with him.
    - So what if MIL goes for shopping with SIL. Isn't it good for a newly married in an arranged family set up. You get some romantic time with hubby to spend? I will say try to push your FIL in that shopping and spend some good time with your husband at home .
    - Don't put any efforts(now or later) in trying to be their daughter. They'll hardly accept that. Instead always try to win over your husband and be a good wife . Build a strong foundation to this marriage so that nothing can shake your relationship with him. Plan movies, dinners,outings etc with him and spend as much time as possible with him.
    -- Yes it's difficult to be your SIL's best friend but don't be her enemy. Be cordial, be nice, keep it to a hi hello how are types of conversation even if it's Something you have to do daily. Just don't show any feeling of insecurity. This helps you not immediately but on a long run to convince your husband for anything.
    - if these things get worse then you can definitely convince your husband to move to a different house ,or taking up job in a different country n move there . Anyway you'll have a valid point to convince him saying SIL is close-by and in laws can taken care of and you or husband wouldn't have to worry much. For that first winning over him is very important and use this initial days of marriage to build that rock solid relationship with him.
    - Think of tangible solutions for such problems. Like eg : She will stay there n not move else where , her parents will continue to shower their love on her no matter what, you cannot go to the state where your parents are staying . So temporarily make peace with this situation. That's all you can do instead of carrying any bitterness at this point of time . On a long run see what best you can do. Maybe she will never move from there nor your parents can move in with you. Can you move to a different place? If yes how you can you make it work ? Maybe not immediately but in future.
    If nothing works make a permanent peace with the situation.
    - Don't worry about what happened with your cousin. Not necessarily you'll experience the same.
     
  5. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    Shivika don't waste your time trying to fit into the joint family you will never get recognized and you will never be accepted as being part of their family so start thinking about you and your husband and how you can increase your bond with your DH and also find ways you can make your DH listen to you and see things from your point of view that's what is going to help you establish yourself in this joint family.
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Like others have said, this is a process when you are newly married into a close-knit family unit. Ideally they would immediately give you space and be inclusive but not everyone is that self-aware.
    So you be smart. Keep calm, be nice to everyone and most of all focus on building your bond with your husband. Even the most devoted spouse can become defensive when their birth family is criticized, regardless of how right you are. So act smartly. If he sees you being nice to everyone then that is not something that can be used against you.
    As for your SIL, her behavior is irritating but don’t let it get to you. Try just politely changing the topic or laughing it off when she passes comments about you. Oftentimes when people realize that you don’t react it takes the fun out of it for them and they will reduce that behavior.
    As for MIL asking you to join them for shopping etc give it time. These bonds will not form overnight. Use the time you are alone productively.
    Don’t be a martyr, but also remember the saying “You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar”.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    :) my reply was based on OPs reply.. no no need visualize what I have not said.

    OP said in "Yes it is right DIL will not be daughter but I feel it is unfair that SIL gets to be around her parents allthetimeand I have to live far away from mine"

    Its 21st century. Even now some women have patriarchal mindset , they believe after marriage daughter should be in her husband's home and if husband allows her to spend time with parents he is spineless. These kind of women are the enemy of other women. If anyone think they have a good mind, be happy for someone who have that privilege instead of comparing their situation with them.

    I believe ideally after marriage husband and wife should stay in their own home away from both sets of parents to build their life.
    Here OPs PiLs didn't stop her from visiting her parents. She can't go there because they are away. I know many families where daughters stay near to parents. In my case, when I married my PILs was in their own home with BIL and family, we lived with them that time. They moved SIL house, 5 minutes away, when MIL had a heart surgery, so that SIL , sahm, can take care of instead of co-sister , working one. Now they stay there. So we go and stay there with my DH's parents when we visit them, instead of going to original home. All are happy.

    In OP' s case there are so many positives, that many DILs dont have. No one is stopping her from spending time with her dh. No one forcing her serve every one. MIL is not forcing her for seva. Yes,I can understand her thinking. Its annoying to have frequent visit. What if her SIL was also staying there. Consider that way and no need to entertain her all the time. But building these thought in her mind is a recipe for disaster and can spoil all relationships including thst with her dh. Anyway it's up to OP to decide. Hope she think with a neutral mind. Her objective should be how win instead of how to loose.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020
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  8. NOW

    NOW Gold IL'ite

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    OP, marital problems due to in-law's issues are like COVID-19 symptoms ranging from asymptomatic ..to flu like ..to ARDS. Unfortunately it takes years and sometimes decades to correctly diagnose the spectrum you are in. As in, you may actually have only contracted an asymptomatic or flu like COVID-19 disease phsyically but mentally you are suffering an ARDS like stage. Take it slow, focus on yourself, your husband , your parents and in-laws in that order.. There is so much to learn from all the replies given earlier and apply them wisely accordingly in your life.
     
  9. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    The only good minded women from the posters message is the MIL and SIL, because MIL is happy for her daughter and SIL is happy for her mother.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You have some serious issue. Instead of giving positive advice to a person you are trying to induce negative wibe. Why cant one be happy for other human being instead of getting jealous.

    If PILs were treating OP badly, my post would have been different. Some people try to create one when there no serious problem. They makes moles to mountains. Instead of appreciating 99% positives they find 1% negative and in this process make 100% negative and spoil all happiness
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020
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