Annoyed at husband since baby!

CharuKaur · Jul 3, 2014

Ladies,

I am married to my DH for over 7 years now. Ours is a Love marriage and given that my family was (over)protective, i have always enjoyed the independent nature of my marriage. However, since my child was born 1.5 years ago, my outlook is changed. My husband is more engaged in household activities and decisions than most indian husbands, is very considerate to my well-being etc., but i always seem to be expecting more of him and we have been having more fights lately because of this.

I work from home and we have a full time nanny who takes care of my daughter during the day. Instead of consuming time in cooking everyday, i spend time with my daughter in the evenings and my husband is perfectly OK with that (we order To-Go when needed). My problem is that he waits for me to ask for help instead of offering. We have talked about this and have come a long way in that now he bathes the baby, readies her morning bottle, feeds her at least one meal over the weekend etc.. BUT, say, when its time to put the baby to bed (and she is a challenge to go to bed) or when she wakes up in the middle of the night because of sickness/otherwise etc... my husband may try to soothe her for a few minutes but then gives up and i HAVE to step in so she can go back to sleeping or calms down. I always think he can try harder but leaves the bottmline to me. BUT, between work, monitoring the nanny, planning activities and next milestone stuff for the baby.. i am just exhausted and a couple bad nights make me annoyed at my husband. Seeing me in a bad mood doesnt make him feel good either but he feels he is already doing a lot (and i know that also)

So, i am confused! Do i over-react ? is this exhaustion from the last 2 years (my baby has always been difficult with eating, sleeping, etc etc) ? Am i missing the pre-baby days ? can use your help here ladies. Please help me get out of this cycle of getting annoyed with the people who love me most

Earnst thanks!
Charu

FromMars · Jul 3, 2014

Its tough to be a parent. Its normal to feel exhausted. Parents with new toddlers have more to deal with and fight more.

Your DD is 1.5 years old, its time to start planning for the second one. In no time you will have two and they will keep each other company. That's the only way out.

Quit the job for a while if it gets overwhelming or get additional help. Conversely, Maybe you can put your DD in a day care instead of having a nanny. Maybe have half a day with nanny and half a day at day care.

guesshoo · Jul 3, 2014

OP,

lack of sleep wrecks havoc. Yes your husband is doing a lot. You to him that you both need to get a lot more organised. If your child hasn't been sleep trained to sleep through the night, please do that first.

IMO, sleep training saved my marriage as the lack of sleep drove my husband and me to shower our frustrations on each other! Once my dd got 12 hours at night and about 2-3 hours during the day she was a changed baby. And honestly her feeding habits improved vastly too.

Then make sure you both split the night care of your child between yourselves. Alternate the nights. Ensure the one who isn't on duty wears a sleep mask and eat plugs if need be. Or sleep in a different room as the worst case. Believe me, once you have sleep trained your child you will feel like a new persons.

regarding food, are you able to get nutritious meals or can you hire a cook? Getting home cooked nutritious meals without extra effort will help too. At 1.5 years old, your dd might also benefit from going to a nursery where she can meet with other kids. That will help greatly with eating too.

The lack of control one feels after having a child seems to be quite common. With a bit of routine, consistency and help, you can work wonders.

And take an evening or afternoon out with your husband atleast twice a month to bond again...

Rihana · Jul 3, 2014

CharuKaur said: ↑

Ladies,

I am married to my DH for over 7 years now. Ours is a Love marriage and given that my family was (over)protective, i have always enjoyed the independent nature of my marriage. However, since my child was born 1.5 years ago, my outlook is changed. My husband is more engaged in household activities and decisions than most indian husbands, is very considerate to my well-being etc., but i always seem to be expecting more of him and we have been having more fights lately because of this.
Click to expand...

Try to make a list of all the tasks in your household. Daily tasks, weekly ones, monthly and annual, and one-time tasks. If you sit down and try to recall, you will miss many, so start the list and add to it for a month. Maybe you both should add to it.

Pay attention to who takes care of money matters, maintaining the cars, insurance stuff like home insurance, life insurance, house repairs, driving when whole family is in car, shoveling the snow etc. Chances are there are things that are completely husband's responsibility but these are not so obvious as your responsibilities.

YoGirl · Jul 3, 2014

Your husband seems to be contributing..

I think you are missing the 'me time'. Work from home is tricky..that too with a toddler.
Its like working+over seeing nanny+taking care of anything which you don't like nanny doing,etc..

I would suggest you to go out everyday for atleast 30 mins..either join gym..shopping(not groceries)..catch up with frenz..
Make sure you go alone .. Once you feel that you as a individual exist ..everything will be alright..

Having a toddler of 1.5yrs old is very tiring.
I have 1, with very disruptive sleep, highly energetic, poor appetite,etc. Life is hell sometimes and my husband doesn't help me even 10% of what your husband does...
Working+living with MIL+toddler care+ no maid...this is my life..
But atleast..i get rejuvenated when I go to office..

damselindistres · Jul 8, 2014

I think you are overreacting. Your husband is doing a lot. I have not seen many such husbands who do this much. I think you are trying to do a lot. Secondly, having too many expectations can ruin your life. Try to balance your work and life. If possible work less or take a long vacation to refresh.

CharuKaur · Jul 14, 2014

Thank you dear ladies - for taking the time and posting your advice!

i have been doing some analysis myself and feel that since pregnancy i have had the bottomline of taking care of myself and the baby... which means over 2 years of a very different life! I think i myself set the wrong precedense during maternity leave of not asking my husband to help with anything - since i thought he is busy with work and i am at home; not realizing i was taking care of the baby all by myself. And now unless i ask him to do something - it does not happen! yes, i am tired and need those few minutes for myself every now and then. And am going to try for that. i hope that fixes this problem.
HIs habits are very different from my upbringing. It never borthered me before because i was self sufficient but now when he eats a fruit without even asking/offering (which he has done since always) or books a 5 hours long Golf class on a saturday - i am ticked off. Am i just plain angry at the easiness of a man's life ?

guesshoo · Jul 15, 2014

Hey!

You have a readymade excuse to get you husband to become more thoughtful and considerate - that he needs to set an example for his child. Gently explain to him that these are the soft skills you both need to inculcate in your child. That you both need to be thoughtful. Blah blah. And then family time.

Most importantly admit to him that motherhood overwhelms you'd like him to suggest a solution... Take care

anika987 · Jul 15, 2014

I do not know what to say!

U have a full time nanny plus your dh also helps you out,is ok with take outs so cooking also gets reduced..then u lament?

Sorry if I sounded harsh but there are moms of twins and triplets who do everything by themselves and still are happy..

The problem is you do not want to miss your sleep and you want things to be easier.BABIES ARE A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.period.Plus it is our duty to do what is need for the baby!They are helpless little darlings who need us

You need to change your perspective.Do things with passion and everything will flow!You are hardworking when it comes to office stuff,so why not for the baby?Love what you are doing for the child.I am not saying you are not doing things but just LOVE and feel the PASSION when doing things for the baby.It will make everything seems awesome and you will be a supermom!

You are just irritated with the baby work but it is all a phase and things will be smooth very soon.

Go out when you can and rejuvenate yourself in the spa or go to mall etc.am sure your dh will be understanding for that.take a small vacation too.

good luck!

miscellaneous · Jul 15, 2014

I sort of understand your frustration as I am in a similar situation. I think its more to do with the changes in lifestyle. My husband can still spend a night out with friends or go to the gym whenever he wants to whereas I have no such freedom anymore. In your case what might help is joining your baby in day care instead of a nanny at home and sleep train your child. When it comes to taking care of baby when she is sick etc etc I guess it all comes with being a parent. Good luck to you.