angry with In-Laws

Meeta · Oct 24, 2007

Dear Riya,
I read your anger and fraustration towards your In-Laws and the support of your hubby towards you during your crunch period.
I read all the replies of our ILites and I wanted to put my view regarding this in laws matter as I had never attempted this before probably, so no offense meant to anybody.
From your post it is clear that your hubby had asked them to hire a maid but they denied....but my question here is why did your hubby asked everybody to even do a small thing like this, does he always ask his parents for everything he does or he has no hold over his parent's place. because keeping a maid is such a small affair in India that there should not be any hassel regarding this. Was your hubby contribute to the family expense, if not then probably your In-laws might have thought that now, they have to spend from their pocket...so might have denied to your offers........
Next thing, why didn't your hubby shift to another place nearby so as to reduce your work load. Probably you people stayed over there to minimise your expenses also and you worked like hell........
Dear, please don't take it otherwise, I have no intention to create a fight between you and your hubby, in fact your hubby might not have any idea about what he has done unknowingly.
But it was not your In-Laws to blame rather your hubby was more culprit here that he could not even manage a small issue in his own house and with his own parents. Let me ask you one more question, has your hubby ever helped you in your house chores like making some snacks/dinner/tea to help you ????????
If he would have done so, then it is justified to say that he was supportive to you otherwise mere words are not always sufficient, doing something in ground is more important.
I know, its really hell to work in and out for a lady and I admire you that you did all these for years, even I can't adjust all these even only with my hubby and my hubby has always to do some cooking along with me to help me out.....
So, dear, please don't be angry on your In-laws...........think wisely and ask your hubby to be bold enough to cope with small issues and be helpful to you on ground..........
Regards.

oaktree · Oct 25, 2007

Dear Friends,

Thanks a lot for replying to my post. Its a pleasure to receive such sound advices from fellow ILites.
Many of you have suggested to forgive n forget even though what my in-laws did was wrong. Reading what latha,mallika,bala,priyu and blondie have written ,i too feel that keeping mum will be the best thing to do for my own peace of mind n for hubby's happiness too. you are right, i have hubby's understanding, thats one of the best things to count upon.
i m just patiently waiting to go away to our new place.
dear meeta, thanks for writing in. just to clarify the few questions which u have raised, my hubby is the main earner for the family. my bil is so far not very much interested in settling down with some work. my fil relaxes these days as hubby has dutifully taken all the work load on himself. even though mil n myself are working too, our earnings are not exactly responsible for fully running the household. though i keep fullfilling my n hubby's material needs plus some household expenses with my earnings n save rest of the money as emergency fund.i dont know how mil spends her money. see, the point i m trying to make here is that money has never been a problem for keeping a servant. i can easily afford servant with my salary alone n offered this too but in-laws refused. in-laws wanted that dil should manage the household not servants. see, even though we are financially independent still all the household decisions are taken by mil,fil as they are elders of the house. hubby n myself have not been living with them to save money !! we stayed with them coz thats what made in-laws happy. we could have easily rented/purchased our own new house seperately long back but didnt do that out of respect, in-laws wanted their son to stay with them!
if hubby tried to help me out in kitchen in-laws mock him . even with all that he is very supportive n doeses lots of things to make my life comfortable.
in the end, i m sorry for the confusion created by my post's header subject . see, i have now started writing in-laws instead of ILs
Thank you guys.

-Riya

Aarushi · Oct 25, 2007

Hi Riya,

First of all I want to give you a BIG hug!

You are quite justified in your anger and resentment and any body in your shoes would feel the same way.

Your in-laws behaved very selfishly. Yes, regardless of how old or young they are...to make you do all the household work after you have been working 9-7 and are exhausted, is not right at all. I'm sure they did not ask your husband to pitch in to help...after all a DIL feeling tired does not evoke the same sympathy that your own son feeling tired does.

I think a huge part of your anger is still there because you have not had a chance to vent it out of you. You want answers and nobody has been giving it to you. You want to know WHY they behaved so miserably with you and they have been avoiding the topic and making it seem totally unimportant. The thing is they do not have an answer. They were selfish and how can they admit to you that they were selfish!

One good thing going for you is that your husband has seen for himself how his parents treated you and has told them about his resentment as well.

To slightly get over your anger, I would suggest that you take it this way...if after 4 yrs of marriage, you have got your husband totally on your side, being able to stand up to his parents and support you and tell them that what they did was wrong, you two living separately now away from them...I think you've got the ingredients of a successful marriage going for you...

You have your entire life and marriage in front of you. Vent your anger out by talking abt it with your best friend, on this board etc...but after going home, try to talk about some fun stuff that you two can now do alone..have a candle light dinner, go for a weekend getaway...call some friends over for dinner and have fun...

What I'm saying is that the anger and hurt will always be there...accept that it is natural and put it in one corner of you heart...try to lock it away..with time it will get easier...DO NOT let it affect your current happiness...

They have already affected your past. Don't give them control over your present and your future...

love,
Aarushi

naazneen · Oct 26, 2007

thats funny about the confusion!! :spin

Only thing I would add to the good advise you're getting is. I don't think you have a child yet(not heard you mention it). You will hopefully appreciate keeping silent and letting things go now when you have a baby. Thats when money and the material benefits a servant brings don't mean anything in place of the love and affection of grandparents and extended family. To feel "not fair" is fine and totally justified, but really don't burn bridges. Take care.
~ Naazneen

Rohini Santhosh · Oct 26, 2007

Hi Riya,

I can understand your feelings and what u r goin through..... its really unfair as u hav stated. The best solution is that ignore and forget whatever they have done to u...... just keep on thinking that u r moving away to a new home where u r establishing ur own kingdom and this will end soon. I guess u shud feel more relaxed by then.... u ll not mind whatever they have done\are doing....... Its gud that u vent out ur anger here so that it doesn't bulidup inside u spoiling the relationship. Just stay cool :cool2: and this will help u a lot

With love,
Rohini

oaktree · Nov 1, 2007

Dear Aarushi, Naazneen & Rohini,

Thanks for ur kind words.
Naazneen, u r right, kids do need grandparents's luv. though i m not a mom yet but i can understand ur point.
many ppl keep maintaining outwardly good relation with in-laws so that inlaws will help them in case of emergency. no harm doing that. but due to some past experiences i hesitate a lot in taking in-laws's help even while living with them in the same house. when i had an accident, my mil cooked n served me as i couldnt move around. she did do all my work for few days.but then after some time she did mention that i should do this n should not do this n behave as she says coz she has done so much work for me when i was sick ! so from my experience mil comes for my help but wants it to be paid in some form , not money wise though. I dont want in-laws help anymore in anyway...its creates such a big emotinal burden.
I m just keeping my fingers crossed and waiting to move out.

regards,
riya

naazneen · Nov 23, 2007

Hi Riya,
sorry returned to this thread after a long time. I'm sorry you have a MIL who kept reminding you of the work she did for you,when you were ill. Its very frustrating to come across such people(let alone live with them everyday).

But still I would advice you to try and let things go. I know you are feeling that you will take care of your child on your own etc. I have a child Riya, its not easy. Trust me at such times a reluctant family member is still better than none at all. And frankly I'm telling you, its not so much about the work either. It is about the love and extra attention grandparents and extended family bring to your child. THere is no substitute. If your MIL is the complaning type about taking care of you when you were ill, she may remind you again of how she took care of you in the 40 days after the baby,but I really doubt she will make an equal comparison to taking care of the grandchild. Afterall it is their duty to some extent to love and nurture their grandchild. Please riya, I think you have already shown amazing maturity in being a dutiful daughter-in-law. Godwilling you will see the fruits of your labor when your in-laws will take care/love your child like their own.
on a side note,see if you can practice some humour with your MIL.
I have a friend, she always take out her frustration at her husband(who has the same habit of never letting her forget every small gift he bought for her) in a humourous way. The minute he says something,she will laugh and say yes yes you are a super husband, then not only repeat the thing he said but add 2 more things to the list which he may have forgotten. It just lightens things up and she has a way to vent also. See if this strategy helps you.
Take care
~ Naazneen.