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An open letter from a mother to her cherished son-4

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by mithila kannan, Apr 17, 2011.

  1. mithila kannan

    mithila kannan Gold IL'ite

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    My dear sundar,

    It is quite some time since I wrote to you,my son.Your father and I have been very busy buying clothes for you and our would be daughter in law.

    Dear sundar,when Iam out shopping or doing household chores,my mind is always dwelling on the subject that I have been discussing with you ie ‘the place of a bride in her in her in laws’ house’.’This evening your father,I and sujatha ,your would be went out shopping ,to buy gifts for our friends and relatives.I could see that your father and Sujatha were getting along like a house on fire.It gives me great pleasure to watch them laugh and joke with each other.At such times,my mind invariably goes on a flashback and I relive my initial days as a new bride, in my in laws’ house and I want to shout from the roof top,”My dear young men,you who are newly married or about to get married,Please remember that your young wife has entered your house as your life companion.Make her feel at home,make her feel welcome more than anything else, make her feel that she is a member of your family.”

    Yes,Sundar,for most of the newly married girls who enter their in laws’ house,the husband’s is the only known face.The girl may carry dreams in her heart but she also carries apprehensions.There are butterfies in her stomach when she enters her in laws’ place, which is going to be her’s from now onwards.”Will his parents be nice to me?Will the other members be nice to me?”If there is an xray machine to show to the observer,the state of her heart,you will know what a bundle of emotions she is and how many worries she carries in her heart.Your heart will definitely melt for her.

    It is therefore up to the man,the girl’s husband,to stand by her side and see that she is comfortable in her house.Most men feel shy about showing their love and affection for their wives in front of their parents and siblings.


    I spoke wth Alamelu athai on this subject.This is what she had to say about her initial days in her in laws’ house .

    “Raji,I got married into a well to do family.Right after I entered their house,my husband left me to take care of myself and he became a different person altogether for me.When he came out of the bedroom and had his coffee,breakfast etc etc,he would not even look at my face.If he wanted something he would ask his mother or sister,not me.My MIL and my sisters in law always kept a distance with me.I had plenty to eat,everyday,the cook would kept fresh fruit in our room and I wore lovely sarees.But, I was lonely at heart.One day I asked my husband when we were by ourselves in our room,”Why do you do this to me?You don’t even talk to me in the daytime,you don’t even smile at me when your people are around.If you don’t like me why did you marry me”.I cried.My husband,took me aside and told me,”Alamu,don’t be a fool.If I laugh and joke with you in front of my family,my mother will get furious,she will begin to hate you as the woman who has taken away her son from her.Bide your time,you will become a mother,you will be the queen in your nest,till then be patient.” I have been patient. Raji,my nest is a cozy one, my children dote on me, but my unhappy memories of my days with my in laws also live with me.”


    My dear Sundar,I can almost hear you saying,”Amma,these things might have happened in the past years and years ago.Todays’ girls are professionally qualified,they earn,they are a confident lot.They know how to get along with their in laws’with out losing their self respect.Today’s men are endearing towards their wives and show it openly in front of their family.

    My dear son,I also know that today’s men are endearing towards their wives but only a very small percentage of young men do that .Most men fight shy of showing their love for their wives in front of their family members.Last week,your cousin Urmila who got married a couple of months back and who is of your age, came to visit us.After talking to us for sometime about general matters,she took me aside and told me some facts which I have given below in her own words.
    “Athai,I have to share with you certain things about my life in my inlaws’ house.”Here she choked with tears and continued,”Athai, my inlaws treat me as an outsider even after a few months of my entering their house.My mother in law and my sisters in law would be sitting together and chatting.If I go near them to join them ,they suddenly top chatting and become quiet.

    My husband can’t take me anywhere without his mother’s permission.The other day, my husband and I visited a friend and while returning home,we took dinner in a hotel.When my MIL came to know that we had dinner out,she kicked a big fuss.She shouted at my husband saying that he should have taken his sisters also with us.Athai, I was totally stunned.My husband simply kept quiet.


    Athai,the ultimate happened yesterday.Yesterday evening,the entire family were sitting in a room and discussing the furniture that they were planning to buy for the house.I went into the room and sat beside my husband.Suddenly ,there was pin drop silence in the room.As soon as I entered the room, they stopped their conversation.My husband turned to me and said,”Urmi,if you don’t mind,will you please go out and sit.We are discussing family matters.”Athai,I was shattered when I heard those words from my husband.I realized that even my husband considered me an outsider and I was hurt and humiliated ,athai.”

    Sundar, your cousin,a computer professional,sobbed on my shoulders .

    Sundar,it is the husband’s duty to see to it that his young wife is given the love,care and attention that she deserves as the new bride.The way he treats her and talks to her should proclaim to the world at large, how much he cares for her.Not only that ,his family including his parents and siblings should realize that his wife is the most important person in his life and that he loved her .

    Most men are also afraid of buying gifts and even small presents for their new brides,particularly if they live with their parents.I remember my first Diwali after marriage.Your father a principled man, forbade my parents from buying new clothes for both of us, as is the custom.My parents , not wanting to go against their son in law’s wishes, agreed.So you father and I went to the shop by ourselves.Your father selected a beautiful silk saree and I thought it was for me.Immediately my DH asked me,”Do you think Kanaka will like this saree?”Kanaka was his sister’s name.I was happy that he had bought a lovely saree for his sister and I nodded my head.Next he would buy a saree for me,I thought.But he paid for the saree that he bought for his sister and began to walk out of the shop.”How about a saree for me “I thought,may be he sensed my feelings,he turned to the almirah in which cotton sarees were piled at the entrance to the shop and told me,”If you want ,you select one saree from this for yourelf.”

    Sundar,those sarees cost about 30 to 40 Rs each and mostly labourer women bought those sarees,(Not that I think lowly of them,God should forgive me if I give that impression.)My son,my heart broke into pieces that day and it has not healed.So many such incidents happened which saddened me.My initial days as a new bride were not happy ones.I was sad,hurt and humiliated.Now Iam an elderly person,a rich woman being pampered by her husband and spoilt with lot of love by her children.But, when I remember those days, I still hurt.So,what do I do to drive away these memories?Everyday,when I do meditaion,I start a pyre in my mind and burn away all these bitter memories.I tell myself,”The Raji who was young,innocent is dead and buried.This raji is a confident and happy woman.”But it hurts me to kill that young girl,who was so full of zest for life at one time.

    Sundar ,wives don’t look for costly presents from their husbands.All that they want from their husbands are tender looks,kind words.appreciation for any of their achievements, however small they might be.More than anything else the wife wants to be sure that her husband loves her and that her happiness means a lot to him.

    Your family will treat your wife the way you want them to treat her.If you ridicule her,make fun of her in the presence of others,put her down and call her names,your family,they may even be good kind people will take the cue from you and they will treat her the same way.They will also ridicule her and find fault with whatever she does.your relationship with your wife will change,you will become the proud parents of lovely children.But your family’s attitude towards your wife will not change,they will continue to be rude to her,remember that you started it and it would be too late to change that now.

    My wonderful son,when you start your married life,I want you to be a caring,loving and doting husband.Get your wife lovely presents,take her out on holidays,be aware of her needs and attend to them.This young woman has left her parents,her siblings and her relatives behind to start a life with you and to build a home with you.Let that home be a happy peaceful one, built with love and affection.

    I told you that I burn my memories as a new bride even today as they bring me nothing but sadness.But,Iam keen that when my daughter in law would be in her fifties and would remember her days as a new bride,her cheeks should blush pink and there should be a smile on her face.Those days should bring her joy and only joy.

    I have so much more to share with you,Sundar.Hope this time I will get back to you fast and that you also please do reply me and do share your thoughts with me,even if you don’t agree with me on any count.

    Love and blessings

    Amma


     
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  2. SARASVADIVU

    SARASVADIVU Silver IL'ite

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    Dear mam,

    :hatsoff to your amazing blog!

    Wow! each and every word creates a strong impact and I'm sure your DIL is really really lucky to have you as her MIL:bowdown

    Let me honour you with these bunch of flowers that are as beautiful as your mind:

    [​IMG]

    Only request is...please write often; We need those words of Wisdom from you every now and then!!!

    Regards

    Saras
     
  3. mithila kannan

    mithila kannan Gold IL'ite

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    My dear saras,
    Thank you my dear for those lovely flowers and for helping me start this day on a beautiful note.Dear saras,the incidents that I have narrated here are ones that happened to people I know in real life,may be that is the reason the blog has touched your heart.Truth is stranger than fiction.

    It yook me three weeks to write this blog and post it,my incessant and irritating coughs and the backpaun prevent me from sitting before the pc for longer hours.How do I thank you for the excellent tonic you have sent me by your fb.Iam humbled .Thank you dear.
    love
    mithila
     
  4. mssunitha2001

    mssunitha2001 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Mithila aunty

    How are you ?

    Lovved this blog of yours...you have narrated the exact feelings of a newly wed bride to the dot...

    [​IMG]

    The foundation of a happy married life is in the first year of marriage....if that period of life is made happy ....with lots of love, kindness, understanding and care...then the rest of the life is just a cosy drive...for the whole family.

    [​IMG]
     
  5. mithila kannan

    mithila kannan Gold IL'ite

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    My dear Sunitha,
    Thank you for the wonderful fb.
    The foundation of a happy married life is in the first year of marriage....if that period of life is made happy ....with lots of love, kindness, understanding and care...then the rest of the life is just a cosy drive...for the whole family

    You said it,very nicely.
    love
    mithila
     
  6. sreemanavaneeth

    sreemanavaneeth Gold IL'ite

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    My Dear Madam,

    Very nice and you have practically narrated the feelings of the DIL which is a real fact. Definitely you DIL will be very lucky to have such a nice and understanding MIL.You have excelled in your writings.:bowdown:2thumbsup:

    You have got the unique way of expressing everything.:wow
     
  7. omsrisai

    omsrisai IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Mithila Ma,

    Wow....a wonderful blog once again.....as everyone said your DIL must be very much lucky...

    While reading your blog i too remembered my stay in my IL's house....after three days of my marriage...we were staying in my IL's house and my husband went out to see his friends and i was like left alone in the home as my FIL went for his work and my MIL started to do the normal routine work....it was quite difficult for me to digest...Wish that if i have a son and he gets married,i dont want the same to happen to my DIL.

    Uma


    Uma
     
  8. mithila kannan

    mithila kannan Gold IL'ite

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    My dear Sreeman,
    Thank you for that kind fb.No,dear I don't have a son ,so no daughter in law.
    Thank you once again for those inspiring words of appreciation.
    love
    mithila
     
  9. mithila kannan

    mithila kannan Gold IL'ite

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    My dear uma,
    I can see that somethings have hurt you.Forget them.
    Most certainly you will make a wonderful MIL.

    love
    mithila ma
     
  10. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Mithila Ma'am,

    This is the most touching post I have read in a very long time. It touched some wounds which have not yet healed fully after 14 years and brought tears to my eyes.

    Is it not sad Ma'am, if one has to burn one's young, innocent self only because they bring bad memories? Isn't it a damning commentary on marriages in our country - the whole institution is rendered so rotten for young women - that the best years that one should remember are the ones one wants to forget in a hurry.
     

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