An open letter from a mother to her cherished son----3

My dear sundar,

Your prompt reply to my letter made me very happy. You reply tells me that you have read the letter and have given the content much thought, good.

Sundar, most men ,particularly Indian men start their marital life on strong wickets. But unfortunately, they throw away the blessed opportunities that God has given them and turn their advantages to acute disadvantages ,their married lives begin their journies on tumultuous waters.

What, you don’t understand? Let me give you some examples.

Many years back, my friend invited me to be part of their family, when they went to see a girl for her younger brother Rangan.Rangan was a highly qualified young man and was well employed .He had no v ice habits,was a family oriented and caring person.He was the only brother to seven elder sisters,all of them married.Their mother was fragile in health and they needed a daughter in law who would stay at home and take care of her.

The girl whom they were to see was the younger daughter of a wealthy person, working in a senior capacity in a well known company.The girl was introduced to us.She was very beautiful,soft spoken and well qualified.She was not averse to staying at home and taking care of the elderly mother.After the initial formalities were over,we left the boy and the girl alone to talk to each other .After about ten minues both of them came out.The girl tookt he first opportunity to tell her father that she was not interested in the alliance and her face had lost its’initial happy glow.

Why?what had happened between the two ,when they were left to themselves?The boy who started the conversation told the girl, “Look,my sisters are my priorities in my life.I don’t do anything without consulting them.I wouldn’t want my would be wife to come between me and my sisters.”Thats all .The young girl,who was an epitome of kindness and was well known for her love for elderly people,felt here was a man who never cared for others’ feelings and was very insensitive.​

Rangan was and is a wonderful human being, the girl was and is a very caring person.Both the sides were very happy with the boy and the girl, still the alliance did not materealise because, Rangan said the wrong things at the wrong time. Where was the need for him to talk about his sisters and make that foolish statement that they meant everything to him. The girl who would have fitted beautifully in that family ,said ‘No’ to the alliance because she was afraid.She thought that here was a rude person and she would be trampled upon in that household.​

Rangan was the loser.He missed out on a golden hearted girl who would have showered love and affection on his mother and would have got along very well with his sisters.​

Muthu was the only son of a widowed mother.His mother meant a lot to him.He and his mother doted on each other.He got married to the girl his mother selected for him. Latha was from a goodfamily, brought up well by her parents.

On the first night of their wedding,Latha, his young wife entered the nuptial room carrying thousand dreams in her heart.Like any other new bride, she was also looking forward to staringt her marital life on a blissful note.Muthu made her sit by his side and told her in a sombre tone,”Malu,I married you because my mother selected you for me.To me my mother’s words are laws.Our home has been run by her and will continue to be run by her.You should listen to her and I don’t want to see a drop of tear in my mother’s eyes as long as she lives,I will not forgive anyone who does this to her.”Malathi nodded her head in silence.All the lovely birds that were flying in her heart, fluttering their wings ,closed their wings and lay down dead.All her romantic dreams died even before they saw the day light,infact Malathi aged instantly.She also developed a hatred for her mother in law with whom she had not exchanged a single word,she took one look at her husband and a shade of strong dislike did start in her heart as a small dot.​

Malathi has not got along with her mother in law from day one of her marriage.She and her husband have had massive fights over this issue,not a day passes with out Malathi shouting at her MIL or Muthu screaming at his wife, because she said something rude to his mother.Even after twenty years of togetherness,still Malathi feels,”If his mother is so important to him,let him take care of her.Why should I bother?” I want you to know that boh Malathi and Muthu are good ,caring people.Muthu made the colossal mistake of telling his wife first thing on meeting her,that his mother was everything in this world to her and put her off completely.


Where was the need for Muthu to talk about his mother and his unfailing love for his mother even when he met her alone for the first time?Their whole life was lying ahead of them to talk about his mother ,her mother and their siblings as well.It is a pity that a well educated nice person like Muthu should have spoil t everything for himself even at the outset.Malathi who is otherwise a kindhearted,caring person was simply afraid that her husband and she will not have a life of their own at all.Muthu did this to her.Muthu who was an otherwise nice person was afraid that his would be wife should be dealt with in a strict manner,failing which she might ill treat his mother,hence his thoughtless utterances,”My mother means everything to me.”​

Srinivasan married Sabitha some thirty years back.I attended the wedding.Theirs was an out and out arranged marriage.Srinivasan was the eldest son to his parents,he had huge family responsibilities.Sabitha was the only child to her parents.She was a reasonably good looking girl and srinivasan was also a decent looking boy.

On the morning after marriage,when Sabitha came out of the nuptial room,her face looked like a just blossomed lotus.One could see that she had started her life on a happy note.Her aunts and cousins surrounded her and asked her many questions about her first meeting with her husband.She blushed and blushed and then said,”He is the most wonderful person I have come across in my life.You know,he said,”Sabitha,my parents insisted on introducing so many girls to me.But I took one look at you and I knew that you were the person I was waiting for all these years.”He said,that Iam the most important person in his life from now onwards and that he would need me by his side ,to guide him and help him run the famly.His mother has taken a strong liking for me,I believe and she has said that I would make a wonderful daughter in law.”Sabitha was in cloud number nine and I was filled with admiration for Srinivasan ,the young husband who had stolen his wife’s heart even at their first meeting.No doubt Sabitha made a wonderful daughter in law in that family.


My dear son,I can see that mischievous smile on your face.Nodoubt you are thinking that Iam writing some mushy mushy things to illustrate my view points.No,sundar,believe me.Whatever I have written about are what I had seen and heard with my own eyes and ears.I had given much thought to this matter ie why does a man say things like ,”My mother is everything in this world to me” or “I love my sisters” or “I wan t you to know that my career comes first for me” even on his first night,when all that he has to do is to romance his wife.​

When a young man’s marriage is finalised,his mother who is apprehensive about her son becoming a puppet in the hands of his wife,warns him,”Be careful with your wife.If you give her an inch,she will take a mile,so be firm with her.”
He takes one look at his father who stands meekly behind his wife,at his grandmother who is the butt of his mother’s insults.So he decides to be firm with his wife even at the beginning of their married life and tells her,what his mother means to him.He does not realise that instead of helping his mother and wife build a healthy relationship,he keeps them at opposite ends with the result that very often he thinks aloud,”Is marriage a curse?”

Sundar,on your nuptial night ,take your wife in your arms and give her your undivided attention.Make her feel that she is the most important person in your life and that her happiness is of paramount importance to you.Your father and I are your friends.We want you and your wife to lead a happy ,harmonious life together forever and ever.​

Sundar,the bride enters her in laws’ house.Suddenly the man who means everything to her and around whom all her dreams are built ,who has to be with her through out her life becomes a stranger to her all of a sudden.He goes out of hs way to make things tough for her in her in laws’ ie her home, in the initial phase of her journey.Why and how? I will write to you in my next letter.
Love and blessings

Amma​

 

Thank you,Nithyakalyani,
I feel that not many of my friends have agreed wih my views,lack of response.Let me know where I ave gone wrong,my dear.
love
mithila

 

My dear ILT
I have no words to thank you for those wonderful words of appreciationIam blessed to have daughters like you in IL forum.

I have seen such things happening in many families where as you have rightly said,the mother takes pride in her son being tough with his wife.She does not understand that 99% the son would lean on his wife and relegate his mother to a corner in his heart ,infact if the mother overdoes the 'be tough' act ,he may begin to hate her also.
When the man shows love and affection to his wife and sees to it that she bonds with his people,she beins to dote on her in laws.
ILT my dear,thank you for that fine fb,I value it and will cherish it.
love
mithila

 

My dear Raji,
Thank you .
love
mithila