Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by mimi77, Sep 17, 2019.
Getting touch with ex and disclosing your feelings is the most immature thing than all other things
Ok all of them are immature and u were mature to talk about the memories u had with him.. after 14 years what were u thinking..
u r blaming your husband for getting mad.. if he had done it would u be quite or say it’s ok .. so him not to react did u tell him about your past with that friend?...
But yes I do agree done is done but he needs to forget n forgive..
U can show your message that nothing happened it was just chats about the past ..
OP, You may not like what I am going to write.
You did a mistake, Period. Not others. So stop blaming others.
You know what you talked to EX , its level, content . If your dh talk to his EX the same way, will you be OK?
For his wife- Her husband started an emotional affair with EX (you). She didnt felt it like friendly chat. There is genuinely a reason why she felt so irritated. It may be her last option to stop both of you from continuing this. She might have felt like you are helping her husband to cheat on her. YES, all these kind of chats (obviously it was not just friendly from your own post, it was more than that.) can be felt like a breach of trust. Congrats to her for taking her life in to her hand. It not easy for any woman to contact someone else husband on similar issues involving her own husband. Look like it was her last resort.
Your dh - He might have felt that,if that lady contacted him, there is genuinely some thing there. Anyone in his place will think that way. He might be thinking that you are still in love with EX while living with him . He might have felt that you have cheated on him. So if he loose trust, You cannot blame him. He read all those messages shared by your EX's wife. He is not a kid. He can distinguish well between normal talk or something else . No need to wonder why he is so mad.
your EX- he got contact and started chatting with ex (you) . But it extended to whatup. Very immature of him that he started rewinding his past romance with you.
You - You were lost in an old paradise. You forgot to define the boundary.Very immature behavior. The fact that it extended from social media to whatsup shows, both of you were continuing this chat for a noticeable period of time. Even if you were refreshing your old memories, it was like being unfair to your husband. Still you are not able to accept the mistake you did. You need to . You have crossed the boundary of marriage according to your dh and EX's wife ( both felt the same after reading those chat history). You have created a deep wound in your dh's mind. It takes time to heal. It is not easy to digest or forgive.
"Now I realise that this friend of mine is pretty miserable... He is also telling all sorts of things to drive my husband against me...." - His worries are none of you headache now. Completely stop contact with him and stay out of their lives. Block both of them in all medias.
What can you do ? - Once trust is gone , its gone for ever. Your life will never be the same. But ask what was missing in you current life and try to make it better.
Apologize to your dh and be transparent (mobile, accounts etc..). Your husband need to know a full account of what has happened, an explanation,remorse and a sincere apology. Give him assurance that you will never be in tough your ex and request him to stop talking to your ex. If you have not done, he will feel that you are not realizing your mistake and will continue to bring this topic again. Treat him well and be patient. Express your love. That's all you can do. Time is the biggest healer.
Getting in touch with ex and sharing memories over a time is called having a fling.
You stopped because you got caught and exposed....not because you realised your mistake.
Your husband and the wife of the ex have reasons to be hurt and pissed.
Each marriage is different, and even within a marriage, each person reacts differently to major set-backs. But generally speaking, it takes longer than a year to recover from such set-backs.
Nowhere have you said you apologized to your husband. Maybe "explaining" included an apology. Going from your first post and the following ones in this thread, it doesn't look like you did this: own up to the mistake, take responsibility for it, not bring in the fault of others.
If you feel you have done all that you can do, then, maybe it is time to accept that your husband is not going to let this be no matter what you do. For other arguments or past fights, do you or he keep bringing up the past? If bringing up past issues happens in your household (as it does in many), then, this one also will be brought up now and then.
Ideal would be that you give a one-time apology/explanation, discuss future steps, and you both agree to put it in the past and move on. Looks like your husband is not ready to move on. Bringing it into every conversation is not fair, and it is not right, and it does not help in any way. Your best reaction is going to be that you refuse to engage further in a discussion if he brings up the topic yet again. You may have to walk away from a discussion on a topic that is important to you, or in which you are right and hence he brought up the topic of your ex. This small loss will be worth it in the long run as without you yet again explaining about your ex, he will have to eventually stop bringing it up. Maybe at a calmer time, tell him that you've done some thinking and want to really move on from this matter, and that from your side you have done all that you can, and don't want to spoil the current times by discussing the past. Phrase this so that you are not blaming him and also not apologizing afresh.
Your husband unblocking that man or his wife is immature. Does he behave like this in other matters too? Was your contact with the ex limited to whatsapp text messages or did you meet in person or talk on the phone?
Recovering from such a bump in the road of marriage takes time and patience. Stop spending mental energy speculating why they are behaving like that. You keep yourself cool, detached, and whatever dignity you can muster. Eventually, all will get the message.
Most people are works in progress. Everybody is immature in some way. We get away with many immature behaviors. Your immature behavior brought out the worst in others.
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White
Golden words. The way each individual will react when trust is broken in marriage is different. So it is not wise to blame other people involved. Better to seek counseling since that would help him to overcome his fears about future. Even if ex and his wife are worst people in this world wrt to your husband your mistake will become first. Another suggestion is to move out from existing location. Change of house or place might bring a change. Sometimes when there is no problem mind will dwell into old problems.
Whether it was your intention or not, you guys did have an online fling which for the spouses felt like cheating. There is no denying that. But we don't have a time machine to fix it now do we? From your post it is clear that you love your husband and don't really care for this ex. I hope that's the case and there are no jaage hue armaan.
So tell your husband, you acknowledge what happened and are genuinely sorry for it. Even of it looks like rekindling from the chats, you didn't feel that way. For you it was just like watching an old movie starring yourself. But in any case, what is going on is no good for your marriage. So what does he want to do now? Use this as a weapon to make you suffer rest of the life? Does he want to blackmail you with this? If that's the case, you can't deal with it. Ask him what will it take for him to forgive you and move on.? If that's going to happen? You blocked them, stopped contact, tried to explain? What else does he need.
Just remember all this conversation has to be in a talk tone not argument.
And be ready for extreme answers. Think clearly what are you going to do if he says he can't forgive you and won't stop bringing it up. If you are not ready for worst case scenario, suffer in silence
Rihana, Thnx for your reply.... No, he doesn't keep bring the past in other issues... Generally very forgiving, but yes in this particular issue, he keeps dragging the past.... I have apologized several times for my mistake, but after each apology the next question is why it had to happen.... My contact with this guy was only Whatsapp... Never met in person or talked over phone... Yes I'm keeping detached but it's not helping... It's not that they are disturbing at the moment... But my husband is not at peace... It's affecting me negatively
I have been suffering in silence for the past one year... After which I am writing here for some help.... I have apologized several times,,,taken responsibility for my mistake but nothing is helping. Now everyday he is threatening with separation.... At times I feel I just need to agree to this and separate ABD keep my dignity intact....My husband keeps in touch with this friend and he keeps insisting that I am a liar and tries to convince him that I had been deleting my messages to keep a clean chat and provokes him to dig further into the case to get clearer perspective of what relationship I have with him.... And in all of this his wife is fully supporting him