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An event in school - Need your thoughts and advise

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by purpleheart22, Apr 20, 2015.

  1. purpleheart22

    purpleheart22 New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I am a mother of a six year old girl, who is in kindergarden.
    Last week, there was a problem in school, in which my daughter was involved. They were in a lab where my daughter was reading a book borrowed from a friend, that belonged to the school. As she was reading it, one of her friends, came to her and asked her to put the book behind the recycle bin, and if she did not do it, she would not be her friend, and will not play with her during recess. So, fearing the fact of losing her friend, and she was the only friend with whom she played during recess, she put it right away without telling anyone. This created the problem, as the teachers were searching the book for about 45 mts, and finally came to know my daughter had hidden it. This friend who had asked her to do it, told that my daughter had put it there. The teachers were really angry, as it was a waste of time for them, and when my daughter tried to tell it once as to why she did it. It was almost end of day, and they were really angry with her and so she did not explain it that well to them fearing they were already angry. They took the 2 girls and told they have to face the consequence of it on monday and called me at the end of school day to tell about this. Immediately after their call, i spoke to my daughter and allowed her to tell me what had happened. She was crying all throughout when she told me this, and she was worried she would not have any friend to play with and did it. I explained her that what she did was wrong and should have told the teacher right away, and it has got her a bad name and also waste of time for the teachers. I spoke to her all through the weekend advising her, and also mailed the teacher, about what i heard from her, and apologised, and told her she is not that kind of a kid, and she understood that what she did was wrong.

    A little background about us, we are Indians,come a very orthodox, god fearing family, and as a mother i felt so bad for my daughter for having to get to such a name in just the first year of school, and she is not that kind of a kid too. The friend i mentioned here is of a different race, which i do not want to go into. Please do not mistake me as being racist,i am just providing that for information. Do they treat kids differently because we do not belong to this country?

    This happened on Friday, and this morning, i got a call from the school principal saying about what she did and they spoke to her and told me that this time there would be no consequence, but if something happens again there would be consequences. I understand what my daughter did was wrong, but was not done intentionally and due to immaturity and insecure feeling of a 6 year old. I am feeling bad as a mother due to calls about my daughter from the teacher, principal.
    Do you think this is how they deal with things in schools in USA? Is it not enough if the teacher addressed it? Are they stressing her by taking to principal.
    I am worried as she is just in kindergarden and has to continue in this school until 5th grade.
    Will this event cause any problems for her future years in the school.

    Please give me your thoughts, as this has been bothering me since the last 3 days, and feeling so bad.
     
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  2. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    @purpleheart22, Welcome to IL!

    I have a child going to elementary school and relate to your experience. I am sorry about the rough start to school.

    First off, there is no racism involved. The consequence would have been the same for kids of any race.

    The usual procedure for dealing with undesirable behaviour (note the usage, behaviour not kids, that's how it works here) is that the teacher makes the kid thinks about what she has done, sometimes it does get escalated to the principal. THis escalation is nothing like what we have in India. Its not a stigma that they hold on to until the end of elementary and after.

    What you can do is talk to the teacher and principal about what exactly happened. Tell them about your child's insecurity. lack of friends. Just the facts without emotions.That should set the record straight.

    Talk to your child about following rules and how its important to communicate to an authority figure when things do not go as expected. This is the single most important thing that we need to learn here - to not take rules into our hands.

    Your child will make friends, you can perhaps invite a few kids for playdates. Spend time with your child at the school playground after school to see who she plays with. She might be playing with other kids who are not necessarily friends. Offer her opportunities to convert these into friendships.

    Please do not think of this as a grave incident and please don't connect it with your family situation. Your child's experience is pretty common. Its just a poor choice. We all make poor decisions. Please do not extend this incident to to reflect on your child, the teacher, school or the friend.
     
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  3. purpleheart22

    purpleheart22 New IL'ite

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    Butterflyice,

    Thank you very much, feeling better seeing your reply.

    I did speak with her about having to take it to the teacher if things don't go as expected. The answer i got from her was, the teacher tells to ignore things, if they have problems with friends, and to bring it their attention right away. She has to walk away if there is an issue and if it continues she has to bring to their attention. So, with this in mind, and not realising what she was doing was even wrong, she has did this. I explained everything to her in a positive way, that it will be her who will get into trouble, if she lies or does something wrong. Also i told her that if she thinks something is wrong, she shouldn't do i and should right away tell the teacher.

    This morning the principal told he explained like this.

    If your friend, asks to kick your teacher, will you do it. It seems she answered no.
    Then he also said, if he goes to a store with another teacher, and she asks him to take off stuff, who will get into trouble, and she said it will be him.
    He said i made sure she understood, but if this repeats again, it will be bad consequences.

    He spoke to me very stubbornly which made me feel so bad and literally break down.
    Not that am being a very insane parent and over protecting my child. I am generally strict with her and ensure things are within the limit and do not pamper her with to much freedom. But when i heard things from the teacher and principal making continuous calls, felt so bad as a mother, as she is not that kind of a kid.
    My husband went to the school just to reassure and talk to the principal, but he waited for 20 mts, and had to leave giving his number, since the principal was busy.
    As parents, we ensure that our child is behaving good, and do not go in the wrong path. But i could not help and hence wanted to post it here for opinion.

    Your reply made me feel better, and hope like you said, they don't keep this as a stigma as she has to continue in the school.
     
  4. Chitravivek

    Chitravivek Platinum IL'ite

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    @purpleheart22 I am sorry your daughter and yourself are having a tough time dealing with issues at school. You have got very good response already. I have nothing to add. I myself have a 4yr old and incidents like these gives me chills. Hope things ease out soon.

    I just have one questions: Is this public school or private school?
     
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  5. purpleheart22

    purpleheart22 New IL'ite

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    Hi Chitra,

    This was in a public school. She was going to a private school until last fall before she transitioned to public school. She has been going to private school since the age of 3, and this is the first time am getting a complaint on her. It makes me very nervous, when i think of this, and was not sure how public schools are here. Hence i wanted to post it here for other IL's opinion.

    I felt very bad on seeing on her last friday as she was crying the whole time when she narrated it and ended up with puffy eyes. I don't know how she is going to feel today, after all that happened this morning.
     
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    There is something completely off about a KG teacher and the schools prinicipal taking a 6 yr old to task about something as trivial as hiding a book.
    Do not be defensive. The more u apologize the more it will made to look like its ur/ur childs mistake. 6 yr olds are expected to do these things. A gentle reprimand was all that was needed.
    Go on the offensive. Tell them u are really upset that this is how they handle 6 yr olds. And u want to take the matter to the district. Keep correspondence in writing. Keep it polite and to the point. U will see a dramatic shift in the tone.
     
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  7. Chitravivek

    Chitravivek Platinum IL'ite

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    @Purpleheart22 Hugs, Hugs and More Hugs to you and your kid. I cannot remotely imagine how you're daughter will be feeling at school today. I am sure you would have sent her at ease in the morning. But please do talk to her and console her a lot today. Make her open up on how the day was? Agreed your daughter should not have done it but the fault also lies with other kid too IMO. To me this is nothing short of Bullying. I hear schools are very strict as far as bullying goes so I wish and hope they have talked to the other kid too and her parents. Your daughters character looks more like my 4yr old. She gets easily attached and that was exactly what I was discussing to my DH over the weekend.

    Do not worry and ask your daughter to be friends with every one. I am sure kids forget all this and move on pretty quickly. We parents keep pondering over it. As far as possible don't keep asking about the incident to your daughter again. I am sure she will be fine in a week time.
     
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  8. Srama

    Srama IL Hall of Fame

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    @purpleheart22,

    I agree with what butterflyice says here. Don't let this take up too much of your time and emotions!
    I just was typing when I saw JAG's post @justanothergirl! No point in just letting emotions rule. Be strong and don't let anyone think you or your child made a mistake, when clearly this particular incident was a misunderstanding. Like wise nothing wrong in apologizing when it is wrong. This will help you in the long term.
    And finally, no public schools are not bad at all. Teachers are there teaching because they like what they do and are generally good. This may be one off of an incident. Let's hope so. As a parent what has helped me the most when my kids were that age was knowing other parents (through PTO/PTA) and volunteering in school particularly in the class room if you have time. Even if you are working, showing up to class parties and things like that will help you build a rapport with teachers and other parents and will help your child as well.

    Leave this alone but still talk to your child to make sure that her day was good and kids are pretty resilient and she will figure out her way with the system.
     
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  9. purpleheart22

    purpleheart22 New IL'ite

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    JAG,
    Thank you for your feedback. In fact my husband went to school this morning to meet the principal, he agreed that what happened was wrong from her part . But he wanted to say not to stress the child unnecessarily. But unfortunately, he could not meet him, gave his number and left to work.
    I told my husband not to mention about stressing the child, as they would reply, they have been handling kids and would know better. Also we have to continue with the school, as there is no choice of moving away after purchasing a home. Moreover, even if we go somewhere, i was worried if they would send the records and stuff. But at least, i felt the principal could have spoken politely, not sure how he spoke to my daughter, need to ask her, but to me it was very stubborn and my husband heard it on speaker which made him go to school.
     
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  10. purpleheart22

    purpleheart22 New IL'ite

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    Thank you Chitra, I wish my daughter is more open and bold and doesn't get attached just to one person. Appreciate all your thoughts, and feeling better.
     

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