An Answer and another question :-)

Hi girls !!! and guys??

Many may remember that I got upset few months back about my co-sis and BIL!!

Well, previously I used to think that she just didnt know how to talk, she didnt know she was hurting others etc, http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/73592-nice-co-sis-but-negative.html

so I just used to keep forgiving, but this time I found that she really didnt care!!!

So I got extremely upset....

And, you all helped me out of misery when my DH had to go there...
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/140702-help-me-find-my-will.html

My DH has to go again, and a week back, in spite of my varied and busy schedule, I again started getting overwhelmed by the past feelings... but this time, armed with IL support and my Narayaneeyam, I was strong... and decided to find some answers...

so I googled "self absorbed, constantly putting down others, lack of empathy, no concern for others feelings, jealous of others achievements"

and finally found some answers.... It made me feel much better!!!

A personality disorder called NPD describes her totally... each and every word that I found in several related websites, several real life experiences in various forums brought me to the conclusion that she suffers from narcissistic personality disorder... and apparently the only way to deal with them is "no-contact", it seems that no therapy, no explanations, nothing works...

They have no sense of self, they dont understand feelings, they only feel good when they criticize and put down others, and constantly manipulate everyone to talk good about themselves...

It seems that we cannot share any achievements with them, because they'll only be nasty about it, cant give any gifts because they'll just criticise it etc...

The information made me understand and as Dumbledore says "Understanding is the first step to acceptance"!!!

I gave the salient points of the disorder and discussed with my DH and he agreed to everything too !!!

So, from now on, I just have to behave with her as I would behave with a rock with no feelings ... and just be distant, which is not difficult...

Which brings me to her 12 year old daughter... poor girl !!!
As I mentioned 2 years back in http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/73592-nice-co-sis-but-negative.html, she is not her daughter's friend at all... and that girl desperately needs a friend.. especially at this age!!

My co-sis constantly puts her down in front of others, criticizes her, never encourages her successes, "me" always!!!

e.g when her dd got less marks in biology, co-sis said "see you brought bad name to me, I am a botany lecturer and my dd gets less in bio"

when we were talking about some weddings "who knows what my dd will do, maybe she'll just elope with someone"... I told her not to make unnecessary statements (See, I always defend the girl, but expect my DH to defend me when I am the target :bonk)

when my 7 year old son sang a sloka, they didnt even listen to the sloka, constantly berated daughter - see, he can sing and why cant you, you're useless, you'll never amount to anything", I told her if they had listened to the sloka and told her to sing some song from her music class, it would have encouraged her!!!

when we were discussing careers for her daughter, she said, dd wont study further, I'll get her married.... I said but you yourself got married at 31, after mphil, did phd after marriage, how can you say that about your daughter!!! She's not planning at all about her studies except for "what will people say if MY daughter gets less marks!!! totally self absorbed me me me me

when I asked her about "whether dd knows about periods and stuff", she said I dont know, they probably show "some videos" at school and as long as she doesnt ask me I'm ok and I hope her "becoming mature" is postponed as much as possible!!! I just couldnt believe that statement!!!

She constantly calls her dd and dh "useless" and "waste on my resources"...

From our end till now, my DH brings her chocolates and I buy clothes and accessories for her ... not too much interaction - you know how it is with grown up kids!!! kids play with other kids and say "hello" and "thank you" to elders!! We take the kids on outings and sightseeing trips and just enjoy... so we dont talk about school and stuff...

I have helped the girl set up an email id and can ask her to check it at least twice a week at set times.... but the girl takes care of her 5 year old brother after school and also guides their cook about what to make for dinner etc, then hardly has time for homework!! (Her mom blames her for this too, that you're so lazy you barely have time for homework!!!)

Can you all help out with what can be done ...

What kind of articles can I send her? Should my DH start a dialogue with her ? Is it too late to do anything ??? Will I just be my "too enthusiastic" self ???

I know it is a serious issue, because I went through a website called "daughters of narcissistic mothers", it is scary and it really affects the daughters !!! I'm not worried about the son yet, he's only 5 and cosis treats him like a king except for beating him when he doesnt eat!!!

I am not a psychologist, but I have enough background (my sister is one, my dad works with mental illnesses and I am a very feelings person) to know that the little girl will grow up really messed up!!! And my DH agrees with me !!!

My FIL asked me that cosis dd is growing up and needs career guidance from me ... I dont know how or where to start...

I work with several kids, guide them with their projects, homeworks, career, health, studies etc... kids from 3 years onwards look up to me for stories, songs, experiences, upto 21-25 year olds for their careers and love lives... But how do I do it long distance!!!!???? with a girl who's barely available at set times????

Moderators, this is not a psychology question, because I already know that there's no cure for cosis NPD... this question is about "how do I build a relationship with cosis dd" , so I hope you'll keep it in this forum, please?

 

Several times, this girl has mentioned to me "mom wont like it (A smart dress)", "I hope mom doesnt come with us to spoil our fun (to an amusement park)", "mom said this statement (some shocking statement to link her own dh and her own dd)", "mom will hate this (when we got a cake to celebrate dd's bday)", "mom will get angry (when dd came second in some competition)"

Till now, my DH and I have always said - "dont worry we're there" but nothing further.... we really havent done anything to assauge her fears or console her ... again because we see her only 3-4 weeks a year and maybe a few calls a year... buy a few gifts... etc...

 

That coming from you Shanvy, makes me feel so helpless!!! I have to do something... I cant let a little girl grow up all messed up

I understand "vengeful".... On a holiday, I gave the dd a diary to write down what she studies everyday... next time I called, cosis, who generally never takes the phone to talk, told dd to bring the diary and read out entries "I went to play" "I ate cake" "I saw xyz movie".... and said "your diary does not work, she'll never study"

I called dd and asked her gently, dd said "yes pinni, I wrote them, but I also wrote down what I study" and read out the other studies entries too... I said nothing wrong, and to continue ... but that discouraged me from pursuing her studies matters... now I wish I knew about NPD, I would have continued that and called dd every week...

 

Shanvy.. we're not there!!! Buying chocolates and clothes is not emotional support!!! She is ok with others but is always scared of her mom!!


82 views and no ideas on starting a dialogue??
Am I being too enthusiastic about helping the girl?? Should i just let her grow up however and not make any attempts???