American Woman Dating Indian Man

guava · Nov 3, 2016

You can pass this one up. You will be better of marrying a never married guy even if he's Indian. This guy has wrong judgement. No clarity on what he wants.

Do yourself a favor. Do not marry him. He lies and he gave you one side of the story. Search his old emails. Dig contacts and find out. It will cause a lot of heartache and turmoil and energy. People don't change. May be his parents had to do with the break up. No woman would leave the husband. He is hiding why he broke up.

He is 35 married once. No one would even look st him if another 2 years pass.

He will have a hard time getting married to Indisn girl.

Take care. Look around. There are better people. Because you are wit him doesn't mean you have to go through it.

Focus on your career. Get distracted the right man will come along.

Most Indian families I have seen. Husbands do a lot. They clean up after parties while the wife is just saying hello to guests and does nothing.

In my own joint family I have seen one of my uncles. His wife used to do nothing. Everyone will take care of her and her kids because they husband has made it clear in front of mom and other siblings in unspecified terms and everyone follows. He makes a lot of money. So it all boils down to where you stand in the eyes of the husband. Later he moved to an independent home in city.

My own friend made it clear to husband that she will not converse with MIL. And it was okay. Her husband never used let his relatives say anything to her. They hardly visit her. She goes to India but spends very little time with them.

He had given loads of money to his parents before marriage. Both work and priorities have changed. Wife and children are priority.any help if needed can be given. Cost of living in India is very low. Most parents have money. But they can't afford holidays abroad and there is no need for them at this age. They have seen enough of life and good dose of detachment will do them a truck load of good.

Most stories here are the bad ones. Good ones don't come up here.
Take care. Listen to your gut.

Cantdecide · Nov 4, 2016

guava said: ↑

You can pass this one up. You will be better of marrying a never married guy even if he's Indian. This guy has wrong judgement. No clarity on what he wants.

Do yourself a favor. Do not marry him. He lies and he gave you one side of the story. Search his old emails. Dig contacts and find out. It will cause a lot of heartache and turmoil and energy. People don't change. May be his parents had to do with the break up. No woman would leave the husband. He is hiding why he broke up.

He is 35 married once. No one would even look st him if another 2 years pass.

He will have a hard time getting married to Indisn girl.

Take care. Look around. There are better people. Because you are wit him doesn't mean you have to go through it.

Focus on your career. Get distracted the right man will come along.

Most Indian families I have seen. Husbands do a lot. They clean up after parties while the wife is just saying hello to guests and does nothing.

In my own joint family I have seen one of my uncles. His wife used to do nothing. Everyone will take care of her and her kids because they husband has made it clear in front of mom and other siblings in unspecified terms and everyone follows. He makes a lot of money. So it all boils down to where you stand in the eyes of the husband. Later he moved to an independent home in city.

My own friend made it clear to husband that she will not converse with MIL. And it was okay. Her husband never used let his relatives say anything to her. They hardly visit her. She goes to India but spends very little time with them.

He had given loads of money to his parents before marriage. Both work and priorities have changed. Wife and children are priority.any help if needed can be given. Cost of living in India is very low. Most parents have money. But they can't afford holidays abroad and there is no need for them at this age. They have seen enough of life and good dose of detachment will do them a truck load of good.

Most stories here are the bad ones. Good ones don't come up here.
Take care. Listen to your gut.
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Thanks for your thoughts and offering another perspective. I don't know if he is intentionally hiding or if he can't see the reality - from my experience of him the latter seems to be more likely the case if anything. He tries to keep the peace and keep everything nice and happy, so is sometimes willfully blind to conflict. I'm proceeding with caution and will definitely be focusing on my career for a long time to come.

happyandsad · Nov 7, 2016

@Cantdecide

These 14 pages have been really interesting. My troll alert went up a few times (e.g. An American knowing that 'Moti' is a common name for dogs). But if you are real, kudos to you! Many of us stay in sad marriages for the sake of parents, kids, society etc but you have no such motivations and yet try so hard.

I have a couple of questions for you:
1. How did you find out about Indusladies and what were your expectations when you posted here? What were you trying to answer?
2. Did you find those answers? If yes, what specifically are you going to do about the situation?

Clearly, most ILs want you to walk away. But it seems like you would like to keep going. Maybe a little more about your own background and past relationships will help understand the situation better.

ChennaiExpress · Nov 7, 2016

guava said: ↑

So it all boils down to where you stand in the eyes of the husband.
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Beautiful, simply beautiful!

Doesn't matter if husband is Indian, American, etc.

How your husband sees you is all that matters.

Cantdecide · Nov 7, 2016

happyandsad said: ↑

@Cantdecide

These 14 pages have been really interesting. My troll alert went up a few times (e.g. An American knowing that 'Moti' is a common name for dogs). But if you are real, kudos to you! Many of us stay in sad marriages for the sake of parents, kids, society etc but you have no such motivations and yet try so hard.

I have a couple of questions for you:
1. How did you find out about Indusladies and what were your expectations when you posted here? What were you trying to answer?
2. Did you find those answers? If yes, what specifically are you going to do about the situation?

Clearly, most ILs want you to walk away. But it seems like you would like to keep going. Maybe a little more about your own background and past relationships will help understand the situation better.
Click to expand...

Thank you for responding - first I have to give myself a little cheer for knowing about the dog name now that you bring it up!! Hahaha, my BF told me about that little tidbit when I was learning some vocabulary and asked him what is "moti?" But I am American, born and raised! And I am, unfortunately, all too real and in all too much sorrow over my present situation with him.

For your questions:

1. I think I found it via google - I honestly can't even remember, but I think I was looking up some questions and was googling things like " indian intercultural dating" "cultural issues in relationships indian" "indian american dating" "indian in law expectations", etc... and something from the forum popped up as a result. . My expectations were to better understand my BF's background and the cultural norms he was raised in as I cannot understand them since I was raised somewhere totally difference. I wanted to see if someone from his background could shed some light on if our differences came to us as"people" or how much of it was tied into the culture. I wanted to know how "deep" the cultural expectations ran in him, and what the expectations even were. I've also reached out to Indian friends in real life as well to try to better comprehend. I honestly was also just desperate for anything.

2. I think I have found an answer. What I am specifically going to do about the situation is a very boring answer. . I am going to talk to him haha. I have sensed that both of us have held back in having a truly open dialogue out of fear what we might hear from the other. I have reached a place in my heart that I am not afraid of his answers anymore no matter what they mean. If they mean we can create a path together, nothing would make me happier. But if it means our path diverts, I can accept that too. I think that is part of what this forum helped me see.

As for why I want to keep going - we get along very well, we love each other, we are both very good people, compatible in many many ways, and so forth. All very good things. I've not dated very much, I am quite conservative in many ways and I only have dated people that I could see myself marrying, etc. I don't date "for fun" or things like that. I can say that I have not had a bad experience dating before. All the men I have interacted with have been good men and the relationship didn't pan out for one reason or other - never the "same" reason coming up. Any specific questions you have, I'm happy to answer!

MNR · Nov 7, 2016

Cantdecide said: ↑

2. I think I have found an answer. What I am specifically going to do about the situation is a very boring answer. . I am going to talk to him haha. I have sensed that both of us have held back in having a truly open dialogue out of fear what we might hear from the other. I have reached a place in my heart that I am not afraid of his answers anymore no matter what they mean. If they mean we can create a path together, nothing would make me happier. But if it means our path diverts, I can accept that too. I think that is part of what this forum helped me see.

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This is the beauty of the forum. You feel light hearted and feels like you can manage things better.

Cantdecide · Nov 7, 2016

MNR said: ↑

This is the beauty of the forum. You feel light hearted and feels like you can manage things better.
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Yes, it has been priceless to hear all of the perspectives, good and bad, and to feel supported and better informed.

happyandsad · Nov 8, 2016

Cantdecide said: ↑

I think I have found an answer. What I am specifically going to do about the situation is a very boring answer. . I am going to talk to him haha.
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Fair enough. Possible scenarios if you talk to him openly about these issues:

1) He says he will continue to support his family financially as he does now and you decide to call it quits or decide to accept this and change your way of thinking. Probability of scenario ~ 15-20%.
2) He says he will cut back after the wedding and you believe him. But eventually, he goes back to what he is doing now and it is too late to back out. Probability of scenario ~ 75% because he seems to want to be with you and will probably say anything to save the relationship. You only have to read 5-6 posts on Indusladies to see what this scenario looks like.
3) He says he will cut back after the wedding and really does this. Probability of scenario ~ 5-10%. Even if this happens, don't underestimate the amount of non-financial support expected from Indian sons, for example, moving back to India if parents fall sick or having parents move in permanently with you even if they aren't too old or too sick.

All in all, as we are all saying, marrying an Indian usually means marrying his family. And unless you are prepared to do this, think really hard!

Rihana · Nov 13, 2016

Cantdecide said: ↑

Yes, it has been priceless to hear all of the perspectives, good and bad, and to feel supported and better informed.
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That is true, but there is also such as a thing as too much information.

If I knew all the information about a few things in life, such as, coming to the U.S., marriage, parenting, might have passed up on one or all. Good there was some left to the imagination or to learn later. : )

Ashvini · Dec 23, 2016

@Cantdecide

I read all of your story,
Why are you looking for a divorced Indian guy? Don't you deserve a better unmarried Indian or any other race guy?stay away from this guy, nonsense and family drama ! You will end in a big mess ! Is there any strong reason holding for you to stay with this divorced Indian guy? Is there any problem in your personal and family life?

This is just my suggestion to you as I have seen many cases within my circle, they will again ended up with a divorce due to cultural differences ,family dramas and many more.