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American Woman Dating Indian Man

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Cantdecide, Oct 16, 2016.

  1. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    I don't have any problems with the timing with the parents. I think the issue is I don't trust him / believe him. For example, when his sister came to live with him for a few months, he first told me: "Something unexpected happened and my sister will need to come in for a few days." Then it became, "She needs to stay longer but it won't be for more than six weeks." Then that became a few weeks more and then she and her parents asked to extend the visit even longer and he only said no apparently because I was going to break up with him over it. So that incident caused me to lose all my trust in him which he has slowly been building back, but that wound hasn't healed and it will leave a scar. I don't trust him when he talks about his plans for his family - obviously we need to be able to move past it and we are both working on it.

    My expectations would be similar, a few weeks every couple years is fine. That is a compromise for me because I would prefer less, but it is totally fine as a compromise. It also depends on how they are when they are here however - if they are awful to me and can't be kind and respectful, then no, I don't want to see them even that much.

    As for the sister, I agree with that. It's not acceptable.

    Finally as for care at old age. He's said before he does not want to have his parents live with him ever. But again, I think he says that to avoid conflict or to paint a pretty picture. I asked him before what happens if anyone gets sick or anything happens to his father (who works / provides, etc.) and his response was he'd move back to India. So I asked him how I could possibly think about building a life with him if he may just up and leave at any time and that is his priority. So after considering it some more, he decided he was too hasty in answering and that was just his gut reaction. In reality, he has built a life here and he wouldn't want to leave and so he would work on ways to be there with his mom, and try to have her come here, etc...

    All of that sounds like a lot of time and financial investment from him and his spouse whoever that may be. I don't know how ok I am with that level of obligation. Particularly if we have children, then he's going to be away from them, etc. We have talked before that if we have kids I should stay at home until they start grade school at least, but I honestly don't trust him enough at this point to ever fathom quitting my job and being financially dependent on him.

    He has said his parents want to live in the US and he doesn't want them to live with him. He said he would like them to stay on the West Coast while we live in the East Coast, but then sometimes he says they would probably move to the same neighborhood. Again, the process of sponsoring their green card, and they have to live here for 6 months out of the year during this process - what does that all mean to him? To him, does that mean "living" with his parents since it's temporary and not really truly "living with"? Then once they are here, they are not independent at all. His mom doesn't work and has full time staff in India to take care of everything. As he puts it, she doesn't even get her own glass of water to drink. How will she realistically adjust to a totally different lifestyle in her late 60s? What will the expectations and obligations be on him / his spouse?

    He definitely feels it's his duty to care for them - I just don't know what that actually looks like or the extent of his obligations and if they can possibly line up with mine.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2016
  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Sounds impossible. Count parents in the picture for sure. Either he moves back or they come to the US. They won't live independently. Hard for them to do so, given the need to have own transport and drive long distances everywhere - so you may end up doing their shopping for them too. At best, may be the property next to where you guys live; likelier they will stay in your home every time they come. They staying separately in the same area or on the West Coast ..... sounds highly improbable.

    Not saying he should not get his parents or look after them, but knowing that that's the way it is going to go and that you are absolutely against it ..... that's some food for thought.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....this relationship looks too forced.
    Him having to get an 'okay' from you for every aspect of his relationship with his family will not survive long term. Either he will revolt (may be after marriage) or be a broken man.Frankly speaking...he is bending over backwards(for an Indian man) when accommodating your objections.

    I don't think most Indian(or any other) guys/girls would like to be dictated on how long their sibling can stay with them before marriage.After marriage is different.
    He is working far too hard to keep you satisfied.
    I think he will have to change himself too much to be accepted .He won't be the man he is now.

    This thread is about you and what you should look out for before you say yes.
    I think he should also start a thread somewhere on similar lines.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2016
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  4. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    I agree that this is a thread I started as for what issues need to be resolved before we move the relationship forward, and that it is presented from my perspective about a specific issue we have - not without frustration. As for him - yes, he gets to pick too and that is the very purpose of us dating. We are both two people trying to see if we should say "yes" to each other, or if there are too many reasons to say "no." The conversations we have are both sided, he says what he needs and I say what I need and then we try to meet each other's needs.

    Granted, people aren't so good at that given the divorce rates and / or general unhappiness in marriage. If there was one sure way, then I think everyone would jump for that path!

    I understand that he may be bending over backwards for an "Indian man", and I am grateful to be with a man who is willing to see both perspectives and make adjustments, just as he is grateful to be with a woman who is willing to do the same. That said, neither of us should fundamentally change who we are and what we believe in. So we need to put our finger on our "no" buttons and see if they overlap. Thus far, we have both made compromises with each other because at the end of the day, we make each other very happy. We have been together long enough that we both now have to figure out what the future looks like for us - and if it's something we can build together. The reason we are doing it is because we both want to. No one is forcing us to be together. Society couldn't care less if we break up and in fact, probably would support it more than not.

    If it comes to a point where we don't want to be together, or we can't make it work, then we sadly move on and find someone we are more compatible with. Every relationship has its challenges and compromises, and every person has a different perspective on what is ok and not, even within the same culture. There are thousands of posts on here about how unhappy women are in their marriage because of family dynamics which seems particularly relevant and prevalent in Indian culture. So it would be willfully blind of us both not to address these differences we have in our background.

    Finally, yes, both if us would need to "ok" each other before we make decisions that affect our relationship. I understand that culturally it is taken for granted that the man takes care of his family of origin and the daughter in law deals with it - but that is up for us to figure out what that may or may not look like for us while knowing that I come from a background where that isn't the norm or expected. Neither of us will be the same people as we are now because we are trying to become a new unit.

    As it is, I let him know what time I'm finishing up work, coordinate my plans with him, if we are traveling for work we both arrange our schedule for each other, etc. Just as I wouldn't expect him to run out and buy a $10,000 watch without talking to me about it first when we're married, I wouldn't expect him to move his parents next to us without talking to me about it and he can expect the same from me. That's what a relationship looks like by the cultural norms that I have been brought up with. Not that this is more right or more wrong, but it's different. Too different? Still to be determined. :)
     
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  5. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    I'd say they would come here - I think that my BF prefers to live here and his parents have expressed an interest in living here as well. So I am less concerned about him moving back. If his parents were adamant about staying in India, then I may have more concern about it. And right - that is what I didn't understand about my BF when he said that they would live on the other coast...they have more family out there, but I don't think that is very realistic. Maybe there is some more information I am missing, hence the need for us to talk about it, but based on what I know - it doesn't make sense.

    It is obviously a concern for me and for him, hence us trying to figure it out. If we can't, we can't and that is a real possibility. But we both want to discuss it first.
     
  6. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    Huge red flag.

    He did not allow his sister to continue living with him because you threatened to leave??
    If the same thing happens after the wedding, my guess is your threat will hardly mean anything.

    I'm sorry, you have a lot of thinking to do.
     
  7. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    Hi! I'm sorry I think my sentence that you quoted was not written well by me. :). I tried to keep out of his decisions and so forth as much as I could. I was unhappy with the situation, but what can you do. I didn't tell him ever "I'm leaving if you don't do xyz." In fact, I did not know when his sister was leaving, that they had asked to extend the stay, etc. all until after he had already made his decision. I didn't know she was leaving until about three days before she left. I didn't know they had asked him to keep her longer until a few days after they talked and he had refused.

    What I meant by my sentence really was, I think he weighed everything between his wants, my wants, his family's wants and what he thought was right for everyone. So I think if I was not in the picture at all, he would have let her stay longer. However, since I was, he did not. In that sense, I feel like he refused because he was with me and because he knew the situation was not tenable to our building a relationship. Still kind of the same end result, but maybe a little different perspective. Kind of make sense? :)
     
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  8. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah, it does. Thanks for explaining. What I understood was much harsher than this, a kind of ultimatum from you. - on the lines of, "Either she goes right now, or I do."

    Really glad to know he is able to do this. This sense of fairness is one of the most sought-after qualities in an Indian man. :)
     
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  9. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    Yeah I can totally see how that came across from me! My bad, sometimes it's hard to explain everything in writing and then I feel like I already take too long to write as it is so I try to shorten it up hahaha! :). I'm not the ultmatum type of person and he isn't either. Whew!

    Thanks, he is definitely super fantastically great in soooooo many ways. Even the ways we disagree on - I don't think they are reallllllly "faults" of his, it's just more of a difference in opinion and priorities (sometimes hard to see it that way when one is upset hah). I always use this example, but it's like if he wants to move to Paris and have French speaking kids and I want to move to Barcelona to have Spanish speaking kids (silly example, I know) - neither of us are WRONG, we're just different. And those differences can cause frustration with each other and if we can't decide that maybe we both want to live in Italy, then we can't make it work as sad as it is. Every relationship has it's differences though, so we will see what we can work through together. :)
     
  10. guava

    guava Senior IL'ite

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