Am Shattered!

DDream · Aug 6, 2022

jasmine25 said: ↑

Thank you so much for your thoughts and words..Regarding finances he has decided to transfer everything to my account from the upcoming months..He says the only weapon she used to blackmail him is that she will end her life writing his name in suicide notes and he was so scared what if that happens and how will his wife and kids undergo the post trauma of coming to streets..
Mistake is from my end too..i let him scotfree thinking my husband is a gentlemen and i trusted him 200 percent..i had a strong belief that he knows what he does and he will takecare of everything and he is looking after us like no one on this earth has ever done..i was a big fool..Truth has slapped me and it is bitter..
But as a wife i could sense he was not normal..He was in disstress..He didnot mingle with me properly..whenever i asked his reason for his low, he said he was in depression thinking of how to close our loans and work pressure and what not..
We slept seperately..That was pinching me hard..i was sleeping in a bedroom with two kids and he was on another room working till midnight and slept there itself..Many days i have slept with so many questions i had in my mind with No answers..I got my answers now..
I questioned him this few minutes back, he said he was guilty that he was betraying me, hence was unable to face me and that his conscience was pricking him hard..
Mistake is mine..i had been a fool all these days thinking i should not disturb him, may be he has work pressure, may be let him clear his loans and what-not..
It had been six months now that he cleared all his existing loan and was saving money for future (he switched his job and the company is a pay master)
I was wondering, even after clearing his debts or loans , what is that haunting him still and we are not leading a happy life..
Last week when he was filling a form he was clicking an option in the form as Married..In a funny note i said please choose the option Seperated as we were staying in two different rooms..
NEVER EVER DREAMT of this EMA or whatever..
I cannot digest this betrayal and at the same time i unable to say i hate him..My love for him is from my childhood..He is my friend from childhood.
I did a mistake is what he repeatedly says and i told him you have given me greatest gift for all the love i had..
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Please stop blaming you for his EMA. People including his family will use your thinking to blame you. This EMA is his conscious decision and choice. He was aware of your love and dedication, but was not comitted or sincere. He was aware of his married status. I wont blame that woman also. If he cant think about wife and kids or his family, she dont have to. We dont know the lies he told her. Dont believe the lies he is creating now to convince you.

You are not the reason. He is the reason. He is responsible. So remove this tendency to blame you from your mind. If his family talk to you, take this stand that he cheated, not you, its his problem.

I dont want to give you any pain, but no point in closing eyes and pretending darkness. His drama is mainly because he was caught or the other woman exposed. She might have thought he will leave you and marry her. That's the reason for her blackmail drama.
Who told you about this EMA. He or she?
I feel all these talk about suicide is just tactics to make you yield and help him to protect image. Usual tricks of cheaters.

Dont forgive him or yield to his demands easily. If so , this will continue. Take a firm stand for you and kids and protect you.
Time will reveal every thing. Dont take any emotional decision and try to gain clarity. Also, postpone any attempt to make every thing normal, even if he try his best. Focus on your life and kids.

Takecare.

Laks09 · Aug 6, 2022

I trusted him that i wont even check his phone or his travel or his emails or his accounts..This is a punishment for me..
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jasmine25 said: ↑

Mistake is from my end too..i let him scotfree thinking my husband is a gentlemen and i trusted him 200 percent..i had a strong belief that he knows what he does and he will takecare of everything and he is looking after us like no one on this earth has ever done..i was a big fool..Truth has slapped me and it is bitter..
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Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t blame yourself. Even I am completely trusting and never bother to look at the phone or bank a/c or travel. I don’t even know which city he is going to. Thats not unusual. These are all things that happen in trusting marriages. Up until now, you had a real trusting friendly marriage. Only now, you know of this breach of trust. Don’t go back and ruminate over what you could have done differently. This affair isn’t your fault. It isn’t because you did or did not do something. It’s not you. He did this all by himself. You have no part to play in this.

Laks09 · Aug 6, 2022

DDream said: ↑

You are not the reason. He is the reason. He is responsible. So remove this tendency to blame you from your mind. If his family talk to you, take this stand that he cheated, not you, its his problem.
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I didn’t see this and posted the same things. @jasmine25, all of us feel this way. Get rid of your guilt. It’s not you at all.

AppuMom · Aug 6, 2022

Dear OP I was exactly in the same situation as yours few years before.You are now sad and distressed and to come out of this shock is not easy.I went thr terrible depression for close to 3 years after the betrayal by my H was revealed. My husband's brother helped bit to ease the situation with the other lady and also she was getting treated by a psychologist. So H had to have a group call with this lady,her H ,her doc and all..Money was involved,sex chat and periodic visits to her home all done by H.Trust can't be restored easily ,u gonna take long time and both of you will have a rough road to travel.for the time being concentrate on you,behave normally with kids ,try to get good sleep(again not easy),eat on time and spend more time outdoors .All this will help to burden off some pains you have now..I had this weird habit of crocheting for hours together when I was depressed.But that helped me from getting suicidal thoughts ..I donated all those finally when I was alright..Because all my crocheted products reminded me of my dark days of life.Indulge in a creative hobby and immerse in to it.Forget about your H for now.He is an adult and he should be responsible for all the wrong doings and the trauma he brought your life.Take care OP

hrastro · Aug 6, 2022

@jasmine25 you have received some really useful responses. Hope you can follow them

One additional advice - you may not think this is a useful or relevant - but I have seen this happen to enough couples to see no harm in giving this advice!

Right now he is desperate - he is giving you a lot of his secrets, please save them as proof - this will help you fight for your reputation later.
Right now it may look like he is regretting etc... but if there is a face turn, your in-laws are also going to support him - without proof, your life and more importantly, your kids lives can become worse hell than what you are facing now.... so please store enough proof of his infidelity and EMA

I am not being cynical and mistrustful, I am just being practical

jasmine25 · Aug 6, 2022

Viswamitra said: ↑

@jasmine25

A lot of good advice above. I will also add my 2 cents worth here.
First of all, my sympathies for what you are going through and you got really blind-sighted by a husband you thought was trustworthy. Your emotions will take a long time to settle down and you need different strategies for handling different things. Don't spend time on these strategies until you feel you are able to clearly think. Always remember, your children are your priority.

1) Make arrangement for your husband to trasfer his monthly pay check to an account opened in your name (only your name) so that no one else will be able to access this account. Whatever balance left in the current/savings account should be immediately transferred to your individual bank account.

2) Tell your husband your priority is your children and you are willing to work with him on that priority and it would take a lot of time for you to recover from this shock.

3) Tell your husband that he is on his own with reference to how to handle his parents and all the relatives as you have nothing to do with it. It is his own making.

4) Also tell him that it is left to him to handle how to avoid further blackmailing by this lady including her threats. Personally, I believe he should report this as it involves blackmailing for financial gain.

5) Apparently, this lady has a lot of evidences for his affair with her to expose it to his family. The best way to handle this by your husband is to report her blackmailing to the authorities. Only way he can recover from this trouble is to admit his mistake publicly and seek help from the local sheriff's office.

6) There is no need for you to rush to forgive your husband and that is your last priority. Right now, ask him how he is going to protect you and your children from this. At some point, he needs to answer his children about the damage he has done to the family.

7) Immediately attempt to establish financial independence for you to protect yourself and your children. Continue to maintain that you need to evaluate various options about your marriage and don't tell him what that would be.

8) In my view, you are the only wife to him and not "legal wife". The other lady is not his wife but a concubine no matter how that relationship works unless unknowingly you had signed papers in the past giving your consent.

9) Please consult a psychologist how to handle this situation. You need profession support to overcome your emotions. Please think of your children and don't encourage suicidal thoughts.

I wish you best of luck to overcome this ordeal soon.
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Thank you so much Viswa sir for your time and response..All the above points are crisp and valuable..I have made a note of it and proceed accordingly.. As you all say, i understand that my kids are first n foremost priority of mine..will takecare..Thanks for all friends here who are helping out me.

jasmine25 · Aug 6, 2022

hrastro said: ↑

@jasmine25 you have received some really useful responses. Hope you can follow them

One additional advice - you may not think this is a useful or relevant - but I have seen this happen to enough couples to see no harm in giving this advice!

Right now he is desperate - he is giving you a lot of his secrets, please save them as proof - this will help you fight for your reputation later.
Right now it may look like he is regretting etc... but if there is a face turn, your in-laws are also going to support him - without proof, your life and more importantly, your kids lives can become worse hell than what you are facing now.... so please store enough proof of his infidelity and EMA

I am not being cynical and mistrustful, I am just being practical
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Agree ! Will do that..Never thought in this angle

jasmine25 · Aug 6, 2022

AppuMom said: ↑

Dear OP I was exactly in the same situation as yours few years before.You are now sad and distressed and to come out of this shock is not easy.I went thr terrible depression for close to 3 years after the betrayal by my H was revealed. My husband's brother helped bit to ease the situation with the other lady and also she was getting treated by a psychologist. So H had to have a group call with this lady,her H ,her doc and all..Money was involved,sex chat and periodic visits to her home all done by H.Trust can't be restored easily ,u gonna take long time and both of you will have a rough road to travel.for the time being concentrate on you,behave normally with kids ,try to get good sleep(again not easy),eat on time and spend more time outdoors .All this will help to burden off some pains you have now..I had this weird habit of crocheting for hours together when I was depressed.But that helped me from getting suicidal thoughts ..I donated all those finally when I was alright..Because all my crocheted products reminded me of my dark days of life.Indulge in a creative hobby and immerse in to it.Forget about your H for now.He is an adult and he should be responsible for all the wrong doings and the trauma he brought your life.Take care OP
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Sorry to hear what you have gone through..i can feel that as am in this situation..thanks for your words..

drdiva · Aug 6, 2022

Dear OP
You got so many good advices..but its not easy to calm down in such a situation . Your kids should b a motivation for you in this situation so that you dont loose yourself..Take good care of them and take all decisions keeping them in your mind..plz avoid such feelings like commiting suicide..or feeling blank..You have your kids responsibility and it has doubled now bcoz of this situation..i will keep you in my prayers.

jasmine25 · Aug 6, 2022

drdiva said: ↑

Dear OP
You got so many good advices..but its not easy to calm down in such a situation . Your kids should b a motivation for you in this situation so that you dont loose yourself..Take good care of them and take all decisions keeping them in your mind..plz avoid such feelings like commiting suicide..or feeling blank..You have your kids responsibility and it has doubled now bcoz of this situation..i will keep you in my prayers.
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Thank you so much..It means a lot to me