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Am Shattered!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jasmine25, Aug 5, 2022.

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  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I’m sorry I assumed you were still working.

    That’s a lot. A lot. But it’s over. I don’t think that money is recoverable. Like @mangaii posted above, please try to get your bearings and ensure you have control over your bank accounts so there won’t be any future payments.

    Jasmine, now that you know he may be forthcoming with more details and more sob stories. You really don’t want to know certain things. Best to refrain from too much of back and forth as of now. It’s only going to hurt you more and more. What’s the point of knowing the details. Don’t go there.

    I’m angry on your behalf. I have lots of things to say but ultimately it’s best to focus on the now and the future and how you can take care of yourself first.
     
  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    No, you are not helpless. The moment you get to know about the EMA is one of the worst. That is now behind you. You are already in recovery mode, you are posting here.

    Such a shock is difficult to bear in any marriage, for anyone. In your case, you were also crazily, madly, intensely, totally in love. And you have been through the TTC struggle. I read couple of your old threads. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Life was cruising along and this came with no notice. Tough.

    Talk less than usual
    You need to calm down and gather your wits as much as you can. How to calm down? Reduce your talking to 50 or 60% of the usual level. Don't rehash the problem with each person who pings you. If husband cries, begs or talks about emotional stuff, tell him, "I understand that but it'll have to wait. There are more urgent matters to look into right now" and go away from there. If other people want to talk about it, say "can we talk tomorrow?" and you don't have to talk to them tomorrow. Initiate or continue conversations only till they help you.

    Don't believe a word of what he says till it is verified
    He had an affair - that is true, believe that. For all the rest, what all exactly happened, why it happened, or his future intentions, do not believe anything until you see evidence with your own eyes.

    Finances repair and future damage prevention are your top priority
    Solid suggestions for this in many posts. Find what helps you.

    This too, shall pass
    Yes. It seems like the end of the world but this too, shall pass. You will come out stronger. A little broken on the inside, a little cynical, pride and self-confidence shaken, but overall stronger because you will push yourself to be stronger for your kids. Your kids will be fine or as fine as other kids their age. You may not know pure joy and pure blind trust again, but a life without those is also 100% worth living and satisfying.

    Focus on the facts
    In the near future, try to postpone emotion and keep directing your focus to facts. Don't rely on your husband for the facts. If it is feasible, if the advantages far outnumber the discomfort, if you want to, only if it will help you, if it will not distress you more than you are already, there is the option of talking to that woman. If you talk, you would say less (close to nothing), and listen more. If she sees you are strong, in control, not blaming her, she might stop some of the drama and you might find out what she wants at this point. You will also learn how much your husband has lied to you about the affair's details.

    Cry, then sleep
    It is okay to cry. Cry as much as you have to. Often deep sleep follows a long cry. The waking up after that sleep is like new life.

    Aside from attending to finances, another immediate need is to quieten the whining and begging from your husband. Maybe give him a random date, like September 30 after which you both will talk about the marriage itself. On that day, push the date further. It is easier to postpone a discussion if you give the other person a tangible date instead of a generic "later" or "not now."
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2022
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  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    ..
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2022
  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    My humble suggestion. This may not be a good time to ask this question. She is really in distress and our response should be to help her overcome her shattered mindset. The rest can wait for later.
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    @ jasmine,
    Hugs to you
    You got wonderful replies. I havent read all, but my quick reply below.
    Try to relax even though not easy.
    Most important dont believe a word your h says
    Take a stand its his oroblem he has to sort out. When he cheated you, he dont have any right to ask your help
    Tell him. If he is is scared file police complaint against that woman.
    Take a break emotionally from this marriage and him
    You need to give him silence, the best weapon in this case. Please dont take any emotional decision

    Now your kids need you, you need you. So if you like to cry, do it. Flush it out. Dont share detsils with anyone else other than people you trust as it can make things worst.
    Take care of yourself. And if you have account protect your money and change password.

    Give some time to cool down. Dont fall for h's emotional drama. Let him face his karma. Keep an eye on him, watch, listen but dont share your thoughts. Take a stand as if you are done with him.

    Tell yourself that you are a strong woman and you will face it courageously. Takecare
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2022
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  6. jasmine25

    jasmine25 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your thoughts and words..Regarding finances he has decided to transfer everything to my account from the upcoming months..He says the only weapon she used to blackmail him is that she will end her life writing his name in suicide notes and he was so scared what if that happens and how will his wife and kids undergo the post trauma of coming to streets..
    Mistake is from my end too..i let him scotfree thinking my husband is a gentlemen and i trusted him 200 percent..i had a strong belief that he knows what he does and he will takecare of everything and he is looking after us like no one on this earth has ever done..i was a big fool..Truth has slapped me and it is bitter..
    But as a wife i could sense he was not normal..He was in disstress..He didnot mingle with me properly..whenever i asked his reason for his low, he said he was in depression thinking of how to close our loans and work pressure and what not..
    We slept seperately..That was pinching me hard..i was sleeping in a bedroom with two kids and he was on another room working till midnight and slept there itself..Many days i have slept with so many questions i had in my mind with No answers..I got my answers now..
    I questioned him this few minutes back, he said he was guilty that he was betraying me, hence was unable to face me and that his conscience was pricking him hard..
    Mistake is mine..i had been a fool all these days thinking i should not disturb him, may be he has work pressure, may be let him clear his loans and what-not..
    It had been six months now that he cleared all his existing loan and was saving money for future (he switched his job and the company is a pay master)
    I was wondering, even after clearing his debts or loans , what is that haunting him still and we are not leading a happy life..
    Last week when he was filling a form he was clicking an option in the form as Married..In a funny note i said please choose the option Seperated as we were staying in two different rooms..
    NEVER EVER DREAMT of this EMA or whatever..
    I cannot digest this betrayal and at the same time i unable to say i hate him..My love for him is from my childhood..He is my friend from childhood.
    I did a mistake is what he repeatedly says and i told him you have given me greatest gift for all the love i had..
     
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  7. jasmine25

    jasmine25 Gold IL'ite

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    Laks,
    I Agree, i have refrained myself form digging him with questions..All i said is I received a gift for all the love i had on you..He is begging and crying at my feet..
     
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  8. jasmine25

    jasmine25 Gold IL'ite

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    YES, i was madly, crazily and intensely in love with him..
    Thank you so much for taking time to going through my old post and understand how much love i had for this person..
    Your detailed analysis of my situation and your clear reply is of a great help to my mind Rihana..Going to hospital as am not well..will come back and reply for other friends who have taken time to post a great advice for me
     
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  9. jasmine25

    jasmine25 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you so much Viswa sir..i read your reply post..All your points were crystal clear..will come back and reply..
     
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  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Since you know him since childhood and there is a long preexisting bond (you two have basically grown up together), I would suggest, like the others have, that you postpone this taking stock and self blame for later. First you have to be like a detective and get to the bottom of what happened. If he’s genuinely remorseful then he shouldn’t have any problem telling you exactly what happened. If he’s saying he was trapped etc there may be more to the story.
    I understand you are reeling from the shock that such a thing even happened but this is not the time or place to start making major life decisions or even grand statements. Say less. First get to the bottom of what happened. Make him tell you every step of the way. Then act to safeguard your finances. Once those two things are clearly set you will be in a better position to evaluate the state of your marriage and make decisions.

    Again this is not the time to give in to emotion and make rash or bitter or emotional or grandiose statements. Keep your wits about you. God bless and good luck!
     
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