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Am Shattered!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jasmine25, Aug 5, 2022.

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  1. jasmine25

    jasmine25 Gold IL'ite

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    Friends, i have read many post regarding illegal affair here in Indusladies forum and have felt bad and low for the victims, never once i thought i will end up as one of the victim ever in my wildest dreams..
    I really don't know where to start, how to start and not even in a stage to narrate what happened..Mine was a love marriage and till this moment my husband is taking good care of me and kids and all were fine till this morning..He was exposed to his family memebers by that lady and things have gone hay wire and my husband told me am in a big problem and he started narrating what all happened and how he is been threaned by her..My world came to an end..i was shell shocked that i could not believe and i was taken a back..He also said..You are my legal wife..i won't ditch you..(he has already done but)will sort out the issue by all myself..Two days back he said we are running short of money but i wondered how? This lady has threatened to transfer all the money from his account and he has done that..He has not married her or was not in love is what he says..I trusted him that i wont even check his phone or his travel or his emails or his accounts..This is a punishment for me..I really dont have words..i feeded my kids but didnot cook for him n me..Discussions going on..He is begging at my foot..i get suicidal thoughts but can't leave my little kids alone in this world without their mother..No clue as how to proceed..That lady says she will write a suicide note mentioning my husband's name and put him behind bars and let my kids and me come and beg in streets..Am helpless..Now he has gone out to talk to mother in law regarding this..He says he will sort out..Praying God
     
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  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Jasmine,
    First of all, don’t make any hasty decisions. When in distress and emotional, it is best not to make a decision. Take some time to recover from the shock and then process this.

    Secondly, if MIL etc are involved, it’s going to now be harder for you, not easier. There will now be immense pressure to support him and ensure he is ok. MIL’s priority will be her child. You should make yourself your first priority right now.

    When you are in a better frame of mind, tomorrow or the next day, think about having some financial freedom for yourself. Don’t you work? Can your salary go to your bank account? Up until now, he didn’t give you a reason to have a separate account but now the reason is in your face. Transferring the entire balance out of his account was not needed. He did it to save his face. Not for you or the children. It’s probably time for you to be a little smart and selfish about your own situation.

    Do you have someone who can support you? Parents and siblings tend to be blind and it helps but also will be one sided views. Someone who can be neutral, will not judge as you process your emotions. Also someone who will help you make smart financial decisions if you are not in a place to think about those things right now.

    Again, don’t make any decision today. Process your feelings slowly, give it all the importance it needs and think about this when the initial shock wears off. Your immediate attention should be on finances for yourself and kids.
     
  3. jasmine25

    jasmine25 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you Laks for your time and response..Yes my mind is completely blank..i need to wait for a day or two to come out of this shock.
    I was working until my kids were born..Now i am completely occupied taking care of two kids..i know i am dependent on him..i will have to take up a job at the earliest..lakhs and lakhs of money has gone out from his pocket just to stop her exposing him..Finally the damage is done after all this..
    He begs me..He says he has been extremely caring husband and all those i agree but this affair he says he was trapped and cornered and threatned and he feels bad he has broke my trust and also apologized at my feet..
     
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Don’t fall for his sob stories. He’s only upset that he got caught, not with what he did.
    Try to take some time to collect your thoughts. If his parents try to talk to you or convince you remain neutral. Your only priority is your own well being and your kids right now.
     
  5. jasmine25

    jasmine25 Gold IL'ite

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    He admitts his mistake of falling in a trap and betraying me and also says i had not been True neither to you or to my Parents and he apologises..I asked him about what about our kids? Didn't their face ever came to your mind?? He promises me that in any case he will not leave me and kids..I am his legal wife and that he needs only his wife and kids and not anyone else..He says i am a prisoner of situation and asking me to understand how much pressure he would have gone through..I am crying and crying and i don't know what to say..Now he says, Please i cant see you like this..You seem like you will faint..Please refresh n have dinner..Am already dead mentally..what if i eat or not?
     
  6. StrangerLady

    StrangerLady Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry you are going through this jasmine. First get yourself a job. Keep your finances separate. Don't trust the sob stories of your husband. Just imagine if the other lady didn't threaten and wanted to start a married life with your husband, what would he have done? He had continued this affair till the time she threatened. If her motive was not money, how long would it have stayed as just affair? Now that both the lady and the money is gone, he is asking for forgiveness just to retain you. As you said not once he thought of kids or you before starting or continuing the affair. This man can't be trusted. I understand from your post how much you are in love with him that you aren't even using harsh words against him. But please wake up. I understand the coming days are going to be extremely difficult. But you can face it. You have worked before. Do you have any savings from that? Join some course to upgrade your skills and look for a job as well.
    Ema is mentally very draining. Be strong. Don't give any hope to your H. Don't get influenced by his side of the family. Their main target now will be to convince you. Don't fall for it.
     
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  7. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    slow down . yes slow down in your thoughts actions anything. first thing this blackmail and money transfer. that needs to sort out. i do not know any details . but at present emotions might feel big deal, but your hard earned savings and any legal threats is bigger. so ask him to deal with that s.hi.t. sorry

    after that spend some alone time with yourself. now that trust is gone. after some time think or decide further.

    more you talk cry, nothing will materialize. all these talk is emotional drama. do not indulge or try to reduce.
    you have to learn to take care of yourself.
     
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  8. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    i do not understand exposing him

    is this legal issue.

    just exposing to friends and family is just waste , it might sound scary . why did he pay so much money .
     
    StrangerLady, deepthyanoop and Rihana like this.
  9. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @jasmine25 I'm sorry you are going through this. I know you have lot to process in terms of this but one thing I would suggest you to do immediately is to take control of all bank accounts. Sort out the incoming and outgoing money flow. Your husband is in distress situation because of the mistake he did. He might fall prey for the blackmail but be strong and find out what actually happened . He may give more money to keep her quiet but you need to be on your feet to stop all those things. Sometimes when you take charge of the situation you have more information to make better decision. Your first priority is to save yourself from this mess and also make sure to transfer all properties from your husband name to your name. You need money to take care of you and your kids. Your husband priority now is to save his face in front of society(by giving money to the lady) and save his face in the family(by asking you to forgive him). Once things settle down then you can think about forgiving him or rejecting him based on what you think and getting back to work. Don't get emotional and loose more money in this process.
     
  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @jasmine25

    A lot of good advice above. I will also add my 2 cents worth here.
    First of all, my sympathies for what you are going through and you got really blind-sighted by a husband you thought was trustworthy. Your emotions will take a long time to settle down and you need different strategies for handling different things. Don't spend time on these strategies until you feel you are able to clearly think. Always remember, your children are your priority.

    1) Make arrangement for your husband to trasfer his monthly pay check to an account opened in your name (only your name) so that no one else will be able to access this account. Whatever balance left in the current/savings account should be immediately transferred to your individual bank account.

    2) Tell your husband your priority is your children and you are willing to work with him on that priority and it would take a lot of time for you to recover from this shock.

    3) Tell your husband that he is on his own with reference to how to handle his parents and all the relatives as you have nothing to do with it. It is his own making.

    4) Also tell him that it is left to him to handle how to avoid further blackmailing by this lady including her threats. Personally, I believe he should report this as it involves blackmailing for financial gain.

    5) Apparently, this lady has a lot of evidences for his affair with her to expose it to his family. The best way to handle this by your husband is to report her blackmailing to the authorities. Only way he can recover from this trouble is to admit his mistake publicly and seek help from the local sheriff's office.

    6) There is no need for you to rush to forgive your husband and that is your last priority. Right now, ask him how he is going to protect you and your children from this. At some point, he needs to answer his children about the damage he has done to the family.

    7) Immediately attempt to establish financial independence for you to protect yourself and your children. Continue to maintain that you need to evaluate various options about your marriage and don't tell him what that would be.

    8) In my view, you are the only wife to him and not "legal wife". The other lady is not his wife but a concubine no matter how that relationship works unless unknowingly you had signed papers in the past giving your consent.

    9) Please consult a psychologist how to handle this situation. You need profession support to overcome your emotions. Please think of your children and don't encourage suicidal thoughts.

    I wish you best of luck to overcome this ordeal soon.
     
    Amica, Thyagarajan, svpriya and 2 others like this.
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