Am I Wrong In Expecting Help From Parents ?

This might be really direct and kinda harsh, but I think you are expecting too much of your parents. Expecting financial, emotional, and physical support from elderly parents is kinda insane, especially when we live abroad. I have seen so many people who bring their parents to help out with childcare - my own in-laws volunteered to do so as well. But it is not easy for these parents to be away from the daily routine and independence, and slave away at their children's house, as unpaid help. When I was growing up (in the US), it was unheard of for my grandparents generation to come over and take care of us. They visited, but it was a single visit, meant to reassure them that their children (my parents) are doing well in the new country. Nowadays, its expected for grandparents to make yearly trek to their children's house abroad.

In the case of my in-laws, I never expected their help. I was ready to stay at home for a bit, and then started childcare once I felt that my child needed that type of socialization. My husband demanded that his parents support him and stay for 5 months taking care of our son, while we were both working. I thought that was particularly rude and unfilial - but my in-laws felt like it was their god-given duty to be here, taking care of our son and being isolated from their life back home. I don't think they are the only ones feeling like this. My parents lived 4 hours away, but I was never comfortable to ask for too much help. I felt like my mother would help me, but being unable to see her friends and do her social work, I felt that it would affect her spirit. Plus my father struggles when my mom leaves their home. Other parents like my parents (the ones who have lived in the US for decades), are also very cognizant of drawing the line when supporting their children. The ones who live in the same city are often the ones who can help the most, the other's help out sporadically, depending on their physical situation. The burden of childcare is something they ALL avoid, because it is not easy at all. As a young woman, I think staying home and taking care of my son is the most challenging work in my life - imagine how an elderly person would feel?

 

Why hate them? Why bother? You can't justify hate, but you can justify setting a boundary. You really don't have to be super close to your parents... Try to accept them and what they are. Maybe they simply cannot provide anything more. It is a bit frustrating that they are unable to give emotional support when you and your wife are having a tough time with managing things.

There is nothing wrong with hiring help. In fact, why not have someone, a nanny or au pair, that comes over couple hours a day. It might seem expensive, but it will give you some breathing space, while getting over a tough time. When you are physically and mentally in a good space, the challenges you face might not seem as difficult. Things are always more tough when your body works against you.

 

One hand you are helping them on the other hand you want to justify your hate . At some point of time in life you don’t need to support them do you think you will not have any problems in life . It is just in different phase of life you see different problems . What might be a big problem today will be too small thing tomorrow. I would say save your hatred for something else . I really don’t think your parents deserve it . From last thread I think you scaled down your financial obligations so it might not me much . You need to come in terms that extra money will not solve many problems in your life . It is just they are the only people you can find fault on . Focus on their positives . It will help you in long run

 

Dear @Benadryl,

I literally am bad at relationship advice but these two sentences tugged at my heart, so here I am!

No, you are not wrong in seeking help from your parents. I have not read your other thread but the honest truth is you cannot make them understand and please don't seek mercy from them. See yourself not as a victim but a strong human being who can handle this.

If you need strength, pray to God, get practical - hire a sitter occasionally, go out with your wife. 4 and 2 are difficult ages, and irrespective of the diagnosis, it is in your best interest to be stronger and practical and do what works for you and your family - and the sooner you do this, the better for you. When you help your parents, having a sense of gladness/gratitude that you are in a position to help rather than receive, will help you not harbor any feelings of hatred.

Best wishes.

 

You are not wrong in asking for their help. If they don't want to help, just leave it.
Do you live in India??
What about help from your wife parents ?
Autism involves lots of physical and mental energy.

 

You are not wrong. It is only human to want what you see around you, that is people having healthy, affectionate relationships with their parents. Parents who willingly help out their children and grandchildren.Especially given that you are fulfilling your duties towards them.
But you have to let go of the parents you wish you had and accept the ones you do actually have.

 

I am guessing you live in USA.
I have a special needs kid. Never received any support from my husband's family. They drained our money also. My parents supported me a lot . I stayed with them every now and then in India.
Now I permanently live in USA. Managing alone as I work part time.
My husband works full time.
With your kids ages, I know its tough

 

It is not wrong to expect help from them especially when you both are working to financially support them as well. But it is clear that they are not going to support you that way. So it is in your best interests that you send money only as much as you can afford and stop any expectation. It will give you peace of mind.

To give you a break, would your wife's parents support you?