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am i wrong here?help me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shruthi12345, May 18, 2010.

  1. shruthi12345

    shruthi12345 New IL'ite

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    need advice

    Hi ladies,
    I am new to this site,i have some problem with my husband.i have been married for 3 years.after marriage i came to US.he does not talk much and does not show his love also but he does scold or fight or blame means........he does hurt me also
    he has a friend(he calls her sister and childhood friend)i fell he likes her more then me,for example if i silent owl day or 2 he does not ask me why.if she say she got could he tells her lot of qustion.he does not share any thing with me but he shares everything with her.
    she is in india if she give missed call he will call immediately,she is studing IAS( iam BA)unexpectedly i saw some mail or chat with her in that he tells her,i want see u, i want talk to u, and on valentines day he wished her and did no wish me.
    last year we had been to india.i went first when he came there he went to delhi(to see her)i did not say any thing,he bought tops,shoes,pearls,perfums,camera,mp3,without know me.later some day i saw some photos and make out and asked him he said yes then i asked him why did not u tell me he said i don not like.
    he does lot of things like this, he is kind of ignore me.we had fight about this some many times(i was talking he was silent)still he does things like,some times i feel bad about myself becaus i am a hous wife and less educated.so many times i cryed when i was alone
    i do every thing for him but he does not care me,he knew i do not like that he talks with her but still he talks,i am kind of soft i don't like to say all thes to any one WHAT SHOULD I DO
     
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  2. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: need advice

    What should you do?

    You should toughen up.

    Believe that you can stand up and represent yourself. It does not matter how educated or not you are. Tell him that if he does not stop the goofing around with the "other girl" you will divorce him. Tell him you will seriously follow through on it, if he does not stop his romancing around.

    If you are too soft-natured, this is the time for you to change and toughen up. Seek help from your parents if you need support for representing yourself.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2010
  3. deepd

    deepd Gold IL'ite

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    Re: need advice

    Shruti,
    I second spiderman that you need to be tough and strong. Try to be confident on yourself and tell your husband that you are not going to tolerate all this. Dont feel that your are inferior than any one else. Your husband is taking advantage of your soft nature. So be strong and have a positive attitude.
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: need advice

    Why don't you call her up and talk to her.
    This is my understanding about unmarried women and one time I did experiences that too.
    Unmarried women didn't know the depth of marriage and they don't think they should stay away from married men in terms of frindship.
    I don't know how they know each other or how long they have been knowing each other.Since he is calling her sister ,may be she is thinking in terms of sister only and since he is calling her then she is ready to take the calls as she may not know the depth of marriage and it's seriousness.
    On the other hand your husband may be attached her emotionally and at one point he might started liking her more and more.
    So you need to talk to her and where she stands.She might have her own dreams to get married to some other person and she may think this as just friendship with your husband.So talk to her and express your concerns and see where she stands.If she don't have any other thoughts on your husband and she thinks it's as a frindship then once she understand your problem,she should stay away from it.If not then it's more into it.
    Then you need to decide the other steps.
     
  5. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: need advice

    Your husband considers her as a sister???Why did he wish her on Valentines day:eek....This will be tough for you,but you have to find out s solution...You cant sit and cry.Ask him WHY he married you when he likes someone else?Did you give any dowry?I second others...dont think you are inferior because of your education.SOmetimes,you may get support from inlaws..sometimes it backfires and inlaws start blaming you.SO im not sure if you need to tell your inlaws.Ultimately you should know whats best in your case and deal accordingly.Ask your husband if anything is lacking in you...how you can help in impressing him.Tell him you are ready to work towards a successful marriage...but NEVER try to show you are helpless and nothing without him.Else he will keep on taking advantage of you.
     
  6. shruthi12345

    shruthi12345 New IL'ite

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    Re: need advice

    THANKS GUYS,
    i fell little ok now.but i would like to share little more,sorry for the disturb.
    he does not have mather but he is very close to his aunt(his mother's sister)they don't like me much because i did not give dowry.he liked me it seems,what is problem is..........when i talk about this he does not give replay he is very silent, he tells he is very close to her.
    once we had fight about this,he told me u stop to talk to your parents then i will some.one more thing I DON NO HAVE ANY DOUBT ON MY HUSBAND.but i need his love,i love him but i can not accept this.when he talk to his family and her he goes into the room that time i fell very hurtful.
    my parents have there own problems,if they know this they will not be happy and they will think of me,my mom is very soft.
    i don't know how to talk if i start to he will be silent,he does not replay for anything.he tells iam expect more and possessive.that's it he does not say anything then this.i remember in 3 years 3 or 4 times we had fight becase he does not replay also,i am fedup with this so stop to talk about this,but i am very hurtful inside.i am 22 year old,we don't have kids also for him i learned cooking,cleaning everything i am learning speaking english also,this is my life from 3 years tell me know i will do what u say,should i stop to talk to him.
     
  7. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: need advice

    i would advice you the same as someone mentioned...try to talk to the other girl.Infact I'll ask you to think a little bit...how is your husband's support otherwise?does he talk to you properly...does he spend time with you.If not,then plan to watch movies over the weekend.Try to change yourself...yes,true love does not require one to change,but if husband is behaving like that,then we must change and see if that makes a difference.
    Make that girl your friend as well...not for suspecting or anything...just my thought that maybe your husband is really just her friend,and not anything else?so involve yourself too.Maybe you can get few tips from her on how to impress your hubby.maybe he feels that she understands him better...so try talking to her.Make it clear that it is not for suspecting...but to learn more about your husband,as maybe you are not able to.Just my advice...since we do not know what is there in ur hubby's mind.
     
  8. shruthi12345

    shruthi12345 New IL'ite

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    Hi Guys,
    i do not know how to start but i have some problems with my DH ladies.i have been married for 3 years,he love me a lot and me too.he does not talk much,he is kind of silent person.
    what my problem is,he does not talk to my parents or my sister or my brother also and not even expect me to talk to his family also.
    he has alot of friends but he is very close to a girl(he calls her sister)childhood friend it seem.i feel he likes her and love her more then me,he shares every thing with her then me.
    we are in us she is in india,for example when she gives a misscall he will call her immediately(every weekend more then 30 min)i do not like that we had fight about this so many times,he know i do not like this but still he does same thing.
    let me tell u something last year we went to india,i went first then he came for 3 weeks,he went to delhi to see her(ours is karnataka)he brought so many things to her(tops,shoes,perfume,camera list goes like this)he did not tell me that time,ofter we came back from india unfortunately i found it and i asked him why did u tell me,YOU DO NOT LIKE THAT I BUY TO HER THAT IS WHY,I DID NOT TELL U.this is his answer.
    once he said you stop to talk to your parents then i stop to talk to her.he said she is very impotant in his life.then i stoped talk about this but i bothere me very much,once i saw his gmail chat with her in that he showers a lot of care,love,emation,more then i got from him.
    now he thinks i am SELFISH AND POSSESSIVE. i fell very bad about myself
    AM I WRONG HERE?if i am not what should i do.
     
  9. Asha123

    Asha123 New IL'ite

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    Hi Shruti,

    I am sorry to hear that, you are right in what you are asking or doing, being a wife u have all the right, looks like he realy likes her, but if you right away say stop talking to her, he might not do it, try to get his attention, do what her likes, spend more time with him, you siad that he loves you a lot and u too love him a lot, so that should not be a problem, did u ever talk to that lady, if yes, then what did u feel about her?

    Did she talk to you nicely, try to be freindly to her and see how ur husband reacts, if he shares all his stuff with that lady, make her share her stuff with u, try to make ur husband involved in different activites, like during weekend, go some place outside and spend time with each other.

    when he is in good mood, try to strike a conversation about that girl and tell him how u feel, tell him if you did the same thing then how would he feel about it, explain him that being a wife it is ur right to get all his love and affection and no one else.

    Good Luck.
     
  10. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Shruti,
    Sorry to hear your troubles. Seems like your DH is very emotionally attached to this person.

    First of all if he says " Stop talking to your parents then I stop talking to her"... reply calmly that " No she is not a blood relative. I have not asked you to stop talking to your parents.So there is no comparison".

    Secondly " Ask him how would he feel if you had a friend who is a boy with whom you have a similar relationship and you buy stuff for him and not tell DH about it". Say all this calmly. Ask it as a question and leave it.

    And the issue about him not talking to your parents..let it go. As long as you all have cordial relationship..its fine.

    FL
     

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