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Am i torturing my DH?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tulipzz, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. Bts

    Bts Junior IL'ite

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    I was and am sometimes like u tulipz. Dh is good except when its abt his parents.
    Forget and forgive. dont let this spoil ur life and future and remember u r lil gal is watching u

    Pl have a calm talk , cry , shout and wail and do whatever to get over it maybe with a close confidante.Also get your dh's support to get over this emotional scar/wound to be healed.

    henceforth don't expect him to defend u , you are old enough to do that.
    my 2 cents
     
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  2. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    dear all,
    Thanks for your responses. Ive read each of them carefully, i will implement some of the suggestions.

    Just to clarify, I kept quiet and suppressed my feelings/anger for a couple of years. When it all bottled up and exploded, I started handling my inlaws myself. I've never been disrespectful to them, but i'd give back sharp answers to bulls**t. The prob is DH would take their side and argue with me even when they were clearly wrong! I wouldn't mind if he remained neutral and let me sort things out. He'd blatantly support them when they had crap expectations.
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    Tulipzz,
    I am sailing in same boat.I had to go through a lot in the initial years of marriage.But i kept mum yaaa my fault..I dono what was going on with me at that time.Usually i am a person who is very confidant and if i have a problem i will tell the concerned person...But dono if its usual indian way i was brought up ..what ever used to happen at home i was under impression that my DH will take care or stand by my side which never happened..And after 3 yrs on one occasion i opened up my mouth before in laws where i explained what all i had to go thru..My dh was just a spectator and i was abused verbally...I lost my patience..I stopped talking to them or going to them now But get upset at very thought of husband going there everyday for long hours..things like that which are very simple make me upset..make me feel low..i feel he is going away from me ..This is happening almost every day ..I am trying to come out of al this..But not able to .
     
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  4. amunique

    amunique Gold IL'ite

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    learn to meditate.. yoga .. try this.. apart from all those said above my fellow ilites... be strong there is nothing wrong with u... women r made like this... more emotionally disturbed than men, but work out to keep urself peaceful.... hugs to u...
     
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  5. Hyral

    Hyral Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs to you Tulip coz I very well know you are not reacting like this from your heart....You love your DH so much that something if goes wrong with you both you get worried and especially there are some wounds that still haunts us. I can relate with you coz I went through something similar yest night.
    My DH is complete mumma's boy, will never believe his mom can be wrong and also whenever he dines he wants his mumma with him......apart from that its going to be a year to our wedding on 1st jan and almost 1.5 yr to our engagement.....from beginning he never shared any talks about his life with me....before getting engaged he believed that he would share talks as he too believe in sharing....Life was smooth i was not a nagging wife/fiancee yet no communication.....we use to be together only during bed time...thats it...dont want to get into that coming to recent incidence.
    In one of my recent post I posted that I want to plan good B'day surprise for my DH and being his 1st b'day after our marriage means very special to me but some how I feel I have messed it up.
    My DH is introvert and according to him its more important to take guest and other relatives outside for dinner but when it comes to me and he going alone for dinner,he would look into his pocket. Just FYI he earns good package of 14 lacs. Will any one believe a person with this package have to think on cost also? That is still ok....after my engagement he took me to Pizza hut and much before our order was served he said to me .....'I cant afford this place often' i couldnt digest my food that day but kept on smiling may be it was beginning of my new life and I felt he might be kidding. But indeed after marriage we went out for dinner after 8 months. And that to a place where he wishes to take me not to place where I want to go......I many a times conveyed to him that I feel like going to pizza hut but he didnt give a damn ear to it.
    Yest while I was very busy with urgent work after my office hours in office, he called up to say that his to be married cousin bro and his to be wife are planning movie , I said I have lot of work not sure will be able to make it and also have few things to buy.I was already frustrated on colleague of mine for not delivering work on time,So threw my frustrations on my DH when he said , ok if u cant come than i can tell them accordingly and he said he would go with them.....I was shocked ( I agree most of ladies would say this is not fair) but yeah I didnt like 'that he wants to go with them without me coming along' I said to him 'How can you go with me?' later I apologized to him and after movie we and his cousins went to PIZZA HUT......My DH being elder was to pay the bill ...... I didnt eat coz here I could relate to that past incidents 1) engagement one when he said he cant afford.....(He could afford paying for group of 5 ppl and not for his wife?)
    2) after marriage inspite of I telling him N no. of times to take me to Pizza hut he didnt take me
    3) I gave excuse of having food poisoning which i had few days back

    At night I told him all this when I wasnt feeling well and was v upset , when he asked I told him......he felt v bad and felt am shallow and B***h , he also said his life has become hell, he cried a lot too.....I couldnt see him crying....I indeed love him a lot but his lack of support could be when I want him to stand for me if something goes wrong in house , lack of communication, lack of understanding my feelings of spending time with him or so frustrates me and I throws that out when the frustration level increases.
    Yes indeed I have tortured him a lot. Yest it was date exactly 1 month away from our 1st anniversary , I bought rose for him while on way to home but didnt give him.......I know that wont matter to him...
    I earning not even half of his salary, I dont spend on me but always feel like spending on him and the family.....I have always treated my MIL and SIL with love inspite of they might be having some small differences with me....he feels I feel jealous when he meets his friends alone (whom i have never met) and spending on cousins....thats not true I told him 'I felt bad for fact that while spending on others u dont see cost and while spending on me u see cost' to which he replied 'As u r wife I can tell u about cost etc' but never look at what I desire.....his mom once told him that all wife doesnt like to see her husband enjoying with his friends alone.......WHY SHE SAID THAT....I never meant that coz I myself have many friends in hometown for many long years but as they are away cant meet them here so i value friends r impt.....I really wanted to plan good b'day but I feel I dont deserve to celebrate his b'day .....indeed am a b*** I made him cry.....yest I even asked him if he want to leave me and stay alone for his peace....am down with guilt feeling inside.....its killing....at this stage am not wanting to remember how much i was hurted and what made me feel so bad and frustrated...I did felt like ending life for once yest but I know that will surely create more troubles for him,his family and my family and I dont wanna be part of it....Regarding divorce he said we are living in INDIA not US or any other country where marriage is joke for couple.....I love him and asked for it if he wants peace....He said he loves me and divorce can be possible even in india but for that he needs to hate me first for which he is not ready as said by him....but down the line I feel very guilty, feel I have created more distance between me and him.....I feel for his this b'day I should book table for him and his friends in one of the restaurant where I can pay the restaurant in advance....I think he will be more happy with them....for his happiness on b'day I can plan this.....I really question my existence feel like praying to go to take me away. am completely broken.......from him I always wanted to hear good words for me....but I heard all bad words possible and may be I deserve....I really dont know what to do next....I dont feel belonged to him anymore......I know he is strong and at midnight he could calm down , and wanted to hug me and sleep but I feel the harm I already caused to him is too big.....was very broken down and tired as couldnt sleep at night , felt like pouring my heart out. I have ordered Casio watch for him from e-bay which i'll be receiving in next 2 hrs but dont know with what face to gift him watch on 8th for his b'day......
     
  6. godsgp

    godsgp Bronze IL'ite

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    Hyral

    You have been married for one year..it is the starry eyed phase of marriage,when expectations from each are high.
    With time you will learn to adjust and keep your level of expectations low.Ask anybody who has been married for many years here on this forum,we all have evolved from your phase you the latter one!
    The idea is to evolve peacefully ,which is more preferable than being a war with him and yourself as well.
    It's just like heading for the same destination with an option of two paths,one being a long winding and tiring path other being full of adventures which promise you not getting there without hurt and a few scars.
    Mature people will choose for the first one however frustrating,it may be.
    And believe me love will grow with time if we try to remain at peace.
    Just consider that if by making a few compromises you can get an exponential growth in the love between you too(which definitely already is there )..it's not a bad investment at all!!
    Try not to mention trivial things which he doesn't like for example Pizza hut.He might notice in sometime(that can be years,men are like that !)that you have given up something you really like for him!Believe me when men realize such things they actually act like boosters but then you have to be very patient and perseverant.
    Keep yourself cool,keep expectations low,be happy to see that your glass is half /(more than that)full.:cool2:
     
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  7. InnerBliss

    InnerBliss Gold IL'ite

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    Forgive me for sympathizing to your husband first and than to you. I think, your husband would have tolerated his mother and sister enough before his marriage and now he is tolerating your rage. Dont you think that he has been the sandwich and could not do what he wishes to do only because of lack of the courage that he is missing? Do you think, he is in the state or your relationship is in the state that he can explain you all these? Maybe, the counselor can fix it up for you. Both of you really need counselling. It would surely help.

    I can stand in your shoes and I think that I would have been no different than you if I were you. Well, if you wish, you can overcome this situation by reading something that I am writing below:

    FORGIVENESS AND COMPASSION

    1. Take a moment to connect with the cost of holding on to your anger and resentment. What does it cost you in terms of health and vitality, (and - if this is relevant - what is the cost to your relationship with the person you resent)?

    2. Imagine how your life would be if you could let go of that anger and resentment.

    3. Take a moment to reflect that forgiveness is something you do for yourself- not for the other person. In letting go of your anger and resentment, you are the one who gains the greatest benefits.

    4. Acknowledge that you cant change the past; you cant undo what has happened; and getting angry about it achieves nothing useful.

    5. Without any self-blame, take a moment to acknowledge that you too have hurt other people, in one way or another- both intentionally and unintentionally. Do those actions sum you up as a person? Are they the essence of who you are? Or are they just acts that you've done, that you now wish you hadn't? In practicing forgiveness it helps to separate the person from their actions. This person's actions hurts you. Yet there is more to this person than just those hurtful acts.

    6. Remind yourself that forgiveness does not mean excusing the other person, or saying what they did was alright. Nor does it mean forgetting what happened.

    7. Now close your eyes, bring attention to your breath, and practice mindfulness of your breathing for a couple of minutes.

    8. When you are ready, imagine the person towards whom you feel such anger and resentment. Imagine they are sitting opposite you. Imagine that they are listening you intensely but they couldn't speak.

    9. Tell this person exactly how they hurt you.

    10. Tell this person that you have suffered a lot - not only from what they did to you, but also from holding onto all your anger and resentment over the years.

    11. Tell this person that you now intend to go of your anger and resentment, in order to stop hurting yourself, and to give yourself peace of mind.

    12. Tell this person that forgiving them does not mean that what they did was okay or reasonable or justifiable or excusable in any way. It just means you are not going to hurt yourself any more by holding onto anger.

    13. If this person will not or can not give you an apology, acknowledge this. Tell them it's disappointing, but you won't waste any more time and energy trying to get something that they'll never give you.

    14. Now tell this person, "You did what you did, and it hurt me. I'll never know exactly why you did it. I can't change it. And I won't waste any more time dwelling on it. I accept my anger towards you is a natural emotional reaction, but I won't feed it anymore by going over and over the past. This happened. It was painful. I wish it hadn't happened, but it did. Now it's over. It's just a memory."

    15. Now let go of this person from your mind, and bring your awareness back to your breath. For 2 or 3 minutes, practice mindfulness of your breathing, letting thoughts and feelings come and go.

    Now, some more beautiful things that you are going to read is....

    16. Imagine yourself going back in time to visit the 'younger version' of yourself who got hurt by this person. Find the younger you, and imagine yourself talking to him/her around the time the hurtful event happened. (It means, you are talking to 'younger YOU' going in the past when the bad things happened with you).

    17. Tell this 'younger you' that you know what happened. Tell him/her that they don't need anyone else to validate that experience, because YOU know.

    18. Tell him/her that they survived the experience, and it is now just a memory.

    19. Tell him/her that you are here just for them. You know how much it hurts, and you want to help in any way you can. Ask them if there's anything they need or want from you -and whatever they ask for, give it to them.

    20. Tell him/her that you are here for him/her and you care about them and that you are going to help them recover from this pain, and go on to lead a full, rich, valued life.

    21. Once you have a sense that this younger version of you has accepted your care, concern and support, let them be and bring awareness to your breathing.

    22. Practice mindfulness to your breath for a couple of minutes, then open your eyes and connect with the room around you.

    23. Do this on a regular basis, 3 or 4 times a week, until you feel you have let go of your anger and resentment. This may take a long time but be persistent.

    This exercise on regular basis and daily would help you to free yourself from all bad incidents and events in your lives that is affecting your present mental health, healthy brought up of your kid and the present life of your precious family. (We all come from different culture and different background and so we are likely to get hurt from others intentionally or non-intentionally but when we carry grudges with us, it hurts 'us' more than anybody else, it affects 'our life' more negatively than anybody else's life. So it is always wise to make ourselves free from all hurts, anger and grudges so we can live the optimal lives).
     
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  8. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with previous poster completely. Forgiveness is like taking a load off your back. You do it for yourself. When you forgive people, you are indirectly telling them they are not important enough to hurt you... and that you have moved on.
     
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  9. InnerBliss

    InnerBliss Gold IL'ite

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    I was again thinking about your situation dear. I think that sometimes, we ladies, do follow our role models. We do have the image of our husband being a strong, perfect, and all-in-one being and thus, we have so many expectations with him. It happens mostly in our country where male and female do not have equal status and even in the movie which reflects the best image of the society, you would see it is mostly male oriented. Male is always the hero. The girls during their growing stage, are highly influenced by this heroism. They do believe that their husband should also be like the heroes. The girls do sometimes, compromise with the looks or other habits or qualification of their hero, but it is difficult for them to accept seeing their hero not being hero when they really need it.

    However, it is normal. We all are the human organism. We all get influenced with the way the society influences us. We shape our beliefs by not only observing our role models, movies, tv programs, what friends say, what teacher teaches but also observing the society. We select what we want to believe. It is the good idea to select that we are the woman, we are more vulnerable, but it is not the good idea to believe that the husband has to be our savior every time, he has to be perfect at all instances, if he did not, we are there to question him and torture him through out the life.

    Marriage or family life becomes more enjoyable when we can show unconditional love and acceptance to the people with whom we are with. We can live more happily when we can accept the people with all their weaknesses. Certainly, then we have the right to expect the other people also to accept us with all our strengths and weaknesses.

    With time, we all change and shape ourselves according to our loved ones expectations. When the little step of goodness is appreciated, the effort-making-person is encouraged to repeat that action. Else all the people involved do get frustrated and depressed not knowing what would be appreciated and thus, not much progressing or growing in the relationship.

    A couple, who always shared problems and difficulties with each other were suggested to write their goals for the family life, what each of them is contributing to achieve that goal, what are the problems and how they are working out on that problem helped them changing their life-style. They were also made conscious of not making negativity in the communication outweigh the positivity. Problems should be firmly in diaries and the work out should also be there. If you ever wish to discuss about the problems, set firm air time for say 10 minutes for each person involved. Focus on WHAT is important and not WHO is important.

    Heroes can be found in the stories only else we all are human beings and all heroes as the human have their strengths as well as weaknesses.
     
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