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Am i torturing my DH?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tulipzz, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear All,
    I am haunted by a problem, request your opinions/advise on how I can get my self out of it.

    Background: Married for over 4.5 yrs now. First 2 yrs were all about making inlaws happy. DH used to keep quite if MIL said or did something. Cancel our plans to accommodate theirs. MIL and SIL always wanted expensive gifts ... they were never happy with whatever we gave them. DH was a puppet in their hands. I grew up quite independently and I was almost choking in this atmosphere. I unexpectedly fell pregnant and my troubles got worse. MIL tried to dictate. DH always told me to ignore her and do what I wanted. But he never protected me from the consequences (e.g.: if I did something MIL didn't like, she would get pissed off and shout/fight etc. DH would let her do it to me - never say anything in my defence). There are 100s of incidents where they mentally tortured me. DH did NOTHING ABOUT THEM.

    We moved to US after 2 yrs. I quit my job and moved 2 months after DH moved. I found a job here. By then I was mentally very disturbed. DH is a wonderful person. He is a very nice guy. Only prob is: Even though he can see that his mom is being evil - he will not be unbiased and accept it. He will never accept it. Back to where I left... I was mentally disturbed..I took counselling and it took time for me to become ok...I became violent, I shouted on DH and repeatedly asked him why he let it happen to me. There is a horrible scar in my mind about what I went through with inlaws in those 2yrs..

    In the last 2 yrs, he did a lot to me. But I didn't trust him anymore. MIL always wants to create trouble between us. We visited India 3 times and every single time,DH turns against me when he goes there. I lost trust in him. About 6m ago, he called his mom one day and apologised to be me in front of them. He even spoke about incidents and how he did not approve those. I thought my probs ended. He has been supportive since then.

    The prob is, I DONT TRUST HIM, I don't believe him when he says good things to me. I feel he is living with me for DD. Sometimes when we have small fights (like all couples do) I always think he is working for his mom. When I get into that mode, I turn violent, shout at him and question him repeatedly why he let them abuse me. Repeatedly ask= at least 10-15 times in a day. I feel I've turned mental. I am scared of trusting him since he broke it so many times.

    Ladies, I don't expect him to stop talking to his folks etc. I only expect him to snap when MIL/SIL say or ask something totally unreasonable. His take is : I just listen, I don't do - so whats the prob? My take is: If you don't support what they say, TELL THAT TO THEM at that point.
    Because he listens, I don't know if he does it or not. THey think he will dance to his tunes (since he listens) . My MIL is highly educated. She retired after working for years in a very senior position. She has nothing else to do at the moment unfortunately. She uses her mind to come up with very very smart ways into making him do what THEY want.

    the prob is, When I have those horrible violent episodes - I shout, (sometimes throw things) DH and ask questions repeatedly, DH has no answers to them. DD is a poor victim. she suffers seeing this for no fault of hers. I have absolutely no control over myself and DH flares it up by arguing. I always tell him to leave me alone when I get angry, but he loves arguing and makes my situation worse. I am suicidal these days, particualry because of what I am exposing my child to. I feel extremely guilty for torturing DH - no interference from inlaws these days (at least as much as I know) I STILL do this. I still like to believe that she is unto something behind my back. I don't know why. DH is a lovely person and I am unable to forgive myself for putting him through this.

    I feel we should separate and lead peaceful lives. I feel I am robbing his peace and he can lead a better life without me.
     
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  2. cj1980

    cj1980 Gold IL'ite

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    Tulipz, my hugs to you. It appears that you have gone through a lot of mental and emotional trauma in the first 2 yrs of your marriage and I understand your angst. The question here is this: Are you going to allow the first few years of your marriage determine the remaining years of happiness?

    Firstly, you are fighting a battle that thousands of women have fought before you and have lost miserably - get their husbands to defend them in front of his family! So, instead of wasting your energy on a lost cause, I suggest you take stock of your marriage and make a list of the things that are positive and are going in your favor. If your DH treats you well, provides for you, and is genuinely interested in making your relationship work, I think you have a lot going for you! Here are a few practical tips:

    1. Stop expecting your DH to stand up for you...do it yourself! Tell him clearly that if he wants to remain neutral, you understand. (men do get sandwiched between us and their mommies!) The next time your MIL tries to disrespect you, speak for yourself in a polite and firm manner. You can maintain a cordial distance from your ILs if they don't treat you well.

    2. Strengthen your marriage...work on your relationship with your DH (go on dates, have romantic nights, help each other with household chores, take your kid out to a park, start an exercise regime together...there are so many ways to connect with each other and bond well) so that your MIL's tactics to create trouble between you backfires.

    3. NEVER EVER argue/fight in front of your child. Kids are highly impressionable ...you have to remember that your kid is learning about relationships and marriage from both you and your DH and how you treat each other. Don't feel depressed about what has happened until now...tomorrow is a new day and you can start afresh! If you feel an argument coming on, go to another room to continue the conversation or send your kid out to play with friends.

    4. I think you can begin a few therapeutic sessions with a good counselor (and maybe even attend a marriage refresher course as a couple) to help you deal with emotions that push you to physical violence. It will help you understand yourself, what buttons push you, and how to identify and overcome emotions and thought patterns that are destructive to you and your mental harmony.

    All the best!

    Carol
     
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  3. Soumedh

    Soumedh Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    It looks like you are very sensitive and highly emotional..
    Learn to be at peace yourself otherwise it will have adverse impact on your DD..she will think shouting and yelling as solution to problems.Proritise only to strenghten your relation with your husband at this point of time.Leave the rest:)
    Try to forgive people for whatever had happened in the past... this is difficult but not that impossible.
    Rgds
     
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  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    tulipzz,

    I am not going to be sensitive here.

    The main issue is how you grow up.If you are grow up in well established family and taking a failure is big NO NO for them.
    So you believe whatever you went through is the big failure in your life and you keep on hurting you EGO.And that in turn making you violent.

    If you look at human life,we have no control over things(lot of things).once you understand that,then you can leave your EGO behind the door and choose to have happy life in your given situation.

    Even for your husband,whatever things happened are new to them.He never experienced or expertise in those things and won't let it happen to you.Once he understood,he took care of it seems.

    But if you keep on railing on them,he might have already lost love on you and the way you lost trust on him.It's two way tango.

    It's very funny.The way you see separation,is not real easy.You won't any single person who are very perfect including your parents.

    So slow down your expectation of your life standards and live happily.

    All the best.
     
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  5. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    More than torturing your DH you are torturing YOURSELF. Let bygones be bygones. Take hold of yourself and start afresh today. Forget your inlaws, forget the emotional whirlpool you were through.... take one day at a time. Your self-esteem has taken a beating and it has made you feel insecure and you constantly seek reassurance that he is there for you for always. But you have to know that no amount of words, actions of reassurance that your husband gives you, can help you unless you believe in yourself. You cannot expect your husband to refuse when his parents tell him / demand something. He doesnt have to tell his parents that he doesnt like what they are saying... let them say what they want. IF they think he will dance to their tunes...let them think...as he is the son, he CAN and WILL dance to their tunes.... but as long as he is supportive to you and takes care of you..loves you ... you have no reason to be so agitated. Divert all the energies that you spend in anger and irritation in loving and embracing what you have.

    Inlaws are far away and they cannot check on whats happening in your life day to day.... Just because he talks to his parents doesnt mean he is letting you down. You as a mature rational individual dont need him to come running to your side to support you everytime your inlaws say something. You can be firm but polite in your stand. Dont let your past trauma with inlaws ruin your present and future with your husband and child. You can have a lovely marriage if you only allow yourself.

    Get the help of a counsellor to deal with anger, irritability and suicidal impulses.
     
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  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Tulipzz,

    You have taken the first step by recognizing the fact that your behaviour as of today needs to be changed. You are doing immense harm to your own physical, mental and emotional health, to your relationship with your husband and to your child's psyche. Am glad that you have realized that.

    Now the next step is to seek help from a counsellor and to learn to deal with your anger and your feelings.

    I can fully understand how hurt and let down you feel. But if you have been reading all the threads here, it is only a fraction of men who stand up actively against their parents for their wives. This does not mean they care less for their wives. It is just their way of dealing with the problem.

    In any case you are now on your own. I am not saying you can forgive every thing your mil and sil said or did. But for the sake of your own sanity you need to learn to forget things. It is a slow process, but you have to have the will to start. By damaging your relationship with your husband, you are giving your mil power over you and your relationship. She is only going to be very happy if she comes to know how she can affect you. Is this what you want? Even if he keeps quiet, if your husband loves and cares for you and does not take their nonsense seriously, it is a LOUD AND CLEAR message to them that he will not fall into their trap. By being happy yourself and maintaining a good relationship with your husband, you will be delivering a very effective slap on their faces. Eventually they will get fed up when they cannot achieve their goal and give up their behaviour.

    Hope I am making sense to you.
     
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  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    tulipz.. get ur thyroid checked.
    I was passing thru this phase and have recovered.
    Accept that certain marriages are not perfect.. .and need constant working on them... or last case leave it as it is.

    Emotional violence has varied effects on hyper sensitive ppl... practise meditation, chants whenever you feel the anxiety bout from the past, before that get medical examination done to ensure that all this turmoil has not damaged you inner system.
     
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  8. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    Read some good self-help books. Read Shakti Gawain and practise Affirmations. Change your thoughts and change your life. If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.

    Also read Rhonda Byrnes "The Secret" and "The Power". These books should help you a lot.

    Best wishes

    Nandita
     
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  9. godsgp

    godsgp Silver IL'ite

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    Tulipzz

    You know what is best part in you?You have analysed the whole situation very maturely and identified that the current problem lies in yourself. :thumbsup
    Admitting that you have a problem too is a job that most people can't do at all,especially when it comes to man woman relationship everybody is happy blaming the other partner and giving him/herself a clean chit.
    So it's really appreciable that along with the rest of problems you have identified the ones with you also.
    That is positive in a way that it will help you sort out the problem yourself.

    Listen you can't change the wrong that already has been done to you and hence to your relationship and peace of mind,but you can help yourself by not aggravating your hurt.
    If there are people who are interested in harming your relationship,why should you join their team!
    Be a resistance ,a force against them by being cool and not reacting to their stimuli.
    A good relationship between both of you despite their efforts to achieve otherwise will frustrate them.
    Give yourself a chance to enjoy that,peacefully.
    Seek counselling,it will help.

    As far as your daughter is concerned,avoid creating scenes or arguing before her because it is well researched and documented that such kids have a tough time working out their relationships too.
    Next time when you are having an argument and your DD enters try putting a smile on your face and changing the entire scene for her !
    And of course If your hubby loves her so much he will definitely appreciate it and will win you his affection too.
     
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  10. cuties

    cuties Bronze IL'ite

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    Even though, it is normal to expect your DH to stand up to you against his parents, it is not that simple for him either. My DH doesn't defend me in front of them either, but if I stand up to myself, he doesn't say anything either, like do what you feel is right. One advantage is that I don't rely on my DH to rescue me from their torture, so even if he is not around, I know how to deal with them. Another thing is that they know I can fight for myself, so they don't mess with me too much. You have to stand up for yourself.

    Also, the violent behavior due to this hurt is probably something from your childhood. Did something happen where your parents/siblings or any other person did not stand up for you while you were tortured or abused? Does it remind you of any other childhood issue? My therapist told me that whenever you are angry beyond control at some present situation, think about if it has anything to do with your childhood and that is usually true. You can work with a therapist on this issue. Also, I would suggest a book called "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. Really a good one.
     
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