Am i splitting the family? - HELP! SIL blaming me!

Hi,

I am here seeking help for a way out of my troubles. Let me warn you, this is going to be a long post...:coffee

Mine is a love marriage. I got married 2 years ago and my husband is loving and very supportive. So here's what happened. My MIL passed away around 10 years ago and the house was dominated by my SIL (who is 2 years elder to my husband). She took it to her advantage, took all my MIL's jewels, her clothes, even utensils. 4 years later when i entered the house, it was a mess. The kitchen was virtually empty. It took me quite a while to set things right. My parents and cousins helped me and my SIL didnt bother to help. Instead she got insecure. She probably feared she was losing control. I never sought her help and managed the whole thing myself.

Her issues with me began almost immediately after marriage. she started by complaining to my DH that i do not respect her. Immediately after marriage she expected us to visit her house every weekend. Both me and DH are working and we only get the weekend to spend together. My DH pointed this out and told her that now that he was married he may not be able to visit her often. She complained to my FIL that "i was poisining my husband's mind and keeping him away from his sister". DH and I ignored it, but I made it a point to visit her as often as possible. Whenevr we visited her house, she would turn her face and talk only to DH and FIL. She wouldnt even offer a glass of water. Clearly I was not welcome. Slowly i reduced going to her place and asked DH to go if he wants. Fortunately or Unfortunately, DH also stopped going saying he wouldnt go to a place where his wife was not respected. That irked her further. Now we do not visit her at all, DH made it clear to her. She blames me for it. DH has also made it clear to me that i shouldnt give up and visit her until she is willing to change. I have little choice in this matter.

Her expectations are always sky high. She had not gifted me a single thing till date not even for our wedding. However, for every festival she expects gifts for herself. And no, she wouldnt want me to buy anything - she demands cash. for the first pongal after my marriage, she said 2k was not enoguh. my FIl forced 5k out of me. She, on the other hand, doesnt even offer kumkum when we visit her place. (Yes its a big deal for south indians). She didnt offer it even the first time i visited her after marriage.:bonk Our anniversary, our birthdays, festivals all go without even an sms from her. Also, she expects me to call her often. She wouldnt - the reason is that she would never call anyone. that's her habit itseems.:bonk Dh and I understood her and slowly avoided the gift business. For example this pongal we decided to go on a trip and hence skip the function.:hide: She made a huge issue out of it and asked my FIL to make sure i give her money 4 months later. I flatly refused. Dh also supported me.

A few months ago my cousin sister had her baby shower function. Her inlaws came to my place and invited me,dh and my FIL to come. They did not go my SIL's place. My SIL has not even met this cousin of mine and doesnt know her at all. But i think she expected an invitation.:bonk Anyway at the time of the function, my DH was travelling and I went to the function myself. FIL was supposed to join later. As soon as I left home, SIL came over and stopped FIL from attending the function. Reason - apparently she was insulted and hence FIL shouldnt go. After much arguments my FIL somehow managed to attend the last few minutes of the function. SIL called my DH and said that i had insulted her by "roaming around" while she was a guest at my house. DH told her he will listen to my side of the story and then sort it out.

Once he came back DH and I decided that its best we sort things out with her. So I and DH invited her to a restaurant to talk things over. She said she was angry with me, I apologised though i pointed her mistakes too. DH forced an apology out of her. We agreed that we were going to keep our differences aside and move on. Turns out she did not keep anything aside.

To take revenge, when her BIL (her DH's brother) was getting married, she alone came to my house. They went to my neighbour's house called my FIL there and invited my FIL alone. my DH was upset and shouted at her. I decided to forget her and get on with my life.

the minute she realised that i was ignoring her she found a new way to interfere in our lives. As mentioned, i am working. As soon as I leave for office, she comes over to meet my FIl, stays the whole day and leaves before i come. It so happened that one day DH and I returned early. She sat over till 10 in the night and did not utter a word to us. when my DH asked how are you she turned her face away. I simply went to my room and was doing my work. :hide:My FIL refused to have dinner. he kept saying wait..some more time and we had to wait until she left. This has happened 2-3 times. To all this I and DH simply ignored and kept doing our own work. Yesterday, out of the blue, my FIL suddenly screamed at me saying I was instigating DH to split the family. That i was acting as if I love my Dh and using it to seperate him and his sister. He shouted at DH saying you should not speak against your sister. He said "you are newly married, and that is why you are supporting your wife. only after some years you will know her true color". Added to that, he said my parents were pushing me to split his family. to be honest, my parents have no clue of what is happening. And worse, he also blamed me saying i find pleasure in breaking a big family since i am not from a good background. (my parents are not as financilly well of as them, though its not like we are streets. we are a normal middle class family).

I have never had issues with my FIL and his reaction almost always is to keep queit for everything. I was surprised to see him screaming. I am very upset with all this and not sure what to do. In my case, ignoring is clearly not working. Though i am not afraid to fight, i dont see a point in it. I am absolutely bewildred. Could you please suggest me something...

Clueless,
Bes.

 

Thank you all for your immediate responses!

I guess continuing to ignore her is the only way forward. And yes I am so glad I found DH. But she seems to find new ways to intefere in our lives. Its almost as if she wants to prove that she is the queen or something!
To be honest what pushed me to start this thread was the question of having kids. DH and I are a little scared to have kids in such an environment. Both of us are sure she would do everything to create problems in our life. Though I look forward to motherhood, i do not want my kids to face such things from SIL or her family.

Worried!

 

You scare me! no, i woulndt want DH to support her..i am zipped up!mg: