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Am I Overthinking About In Law's Or They Are Being Mean And Selfish Really?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Vyahrthi, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    Clearly your in laws took your DH for granted. They didn't think about their daughter's marriage or your DH future before spending all that amount. And there is no use in blaming anyone now.

    I don't think your husband has learnt lesson even now. Don't try to explain to him how his parents are. Instead, insist on building savings for your future. Start saving for your buying home, kids, India trips, medical expenses etc. Sit with him and analyse your financial situation, income, loans, cost of living in US and savings.

    After all this, ask him to send 20k to his parents as he used to do before and put 30k in India savings every month on your husband name. Tell him that money can be used for his parents medical expenses or any unexpected expense. He can tell his parents the same but don't let him give the whole 50k to them.

    Whenever time permits, explain to your husband about priorities. I think you will be planning to have kids soon as you are nearing 30. Start saving now.
     
    NeetaR, Vyahrthi and shravs3 like this.
  2. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, Joke is on me . Your husband is the culprit here. Not to mention your IL's and SIL and smart and cheeky.They want to maintain relation with your husband when its convenient to them . Where were all three when hubby was getting married. First of all , why did you stay back in India to care for your SIL's delivery and not join hubby before. Anyway in a way it served purpose so your IL's didn't cheat hubby of delivery cost.

    Your SIL is cunning and knows how to use her parents and brother when needed. Not to mention IL;s are same. Now take charge and tell husband to spell out to IL's he cant afford to send 50k /monthly. Never mind, you can afford or cant. Never agree to amount they demand. If you do its all downhill from there. Your husband is educated and acted as ignorant fool to all IL's demands. Did he ask them to show loan documents. Take the parents bank account into his name and do official documentation of parents not being able to draw money out of it.

    Next have hubby ask his parents to send all things related to so called foolish loans. Tell them until they send, he cant and wont send money. Your IL's shud get a hint that son can alienate them. Why will they bend backwards to please son in his wedding when he will be on their side anyway ..He needs to show them, he is pissed off . Until you see what loans they have and take care of it yourself rather than send it to IL's and then ask to repay and get duped.

    Your IL's have discovered easy buck and a cash cow called hubby. They wont change. Your SIL 's dowry of 320 gms of gold is eyewash. She had a love marriage and yet wanted to get 320 gms as dowry. Since when does love marriage entail dowry. She wanted to squeeze out maximum in name of marriage. 320 gms of gold is not a small amount in today's rate. She pulled a royal one on your hubby.Once again when she wanted to deliver she came back. Anyway major expenditure she will dump on your husband. Its better to cut her off to hi bye situation.

    Wont your husband want his own family. Wont he have kids. Build his life. These 3 are moochers who will keep doing it indefinitely.Unless hubby smartens up he has a long list of demands to be met.

    50,000rs is not a small amount in dollars too. This amount will only go up with time. Point is can you afford to fill those demands regularly. Does hubby have a cushion of savings in case of emergency like moving, job change or lay offs.Chances are he doesnt. Do you want to live like this without the cushion on chance that nothing ever goes wrong.Good Luck.
     
  3. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Post marriage man has his first responsibility towards wife and his own kids... .Parents and married sister are all extended families.... Straighten up your husband's spine and ask him to send a meagre amount to these greedy people
     
    Vyahrthi and shravs3 like this.
  4. alfassa

    alfassa New IL'ite

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    It's rare to find a DIL like you at this age because i keep witnessing instances where DIL's and even sons are very calculative nowadays .
     
    Vyahrthi likes this.
  5. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    @Vyahrthi How does your husband feel towards his parents and his sister? At some point he must have realized that his family is taking advantage of him and he must realize that he cannot keep sending over money. I wouldn't cut off completely especially if they have no other source of income but at some point both of you need to draw a line and say you can't keep paying for everything, especially since he still seems to have a hefty loan to pay off.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  6. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    You both need to reflect on the highlighted words. Adults don't expect that someone else will save 'for' them. Either plans are explicitly discussed, or they do it themselves. Same goes for the 'forced'. There is no force involved - just guilt tripping. All he has to do is learn to say he cannot handle any more loans and that paying off existing loans is his priority. Then follow through. INR14-lacs is about $25K (without interest). At least plan on bringing that down to zero during this sojourn in the US. If the parents are financially irresponsible, there is no need to compound the error by going along with it. It's in fact quite the opposite isn't it? If they are irresponsible, then all the more reason for him to bring some sanity into the situation with prudent financial planning.
     
    Laks09, Vyahrthi and vaidehi71 like this.
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Such family situations are not black and white. It is not easy to say who has a problem, who is wrong.

    Living with less money, cutting down on basic luxuries, taking the risk of spending on child's education beyond one's means... all of these take a toll. When that child starts to earn, and that too in an MNC, things change in the family. There are higher expectations from the earning child in such families than in other families.

    It is very difficult to explain how things can change. That child will be earning money far beyond what the family has ever seen. Saving and being careful with money will be the last thought in the parents' mind. They were all one unit, living at a certain standard, now one of them is suddenly way above that standard. The expectation sets in that all will be raised to an equivalent standard and maintained at that standard. "All" means parents and siblings. Even after siblings get married.

    The husband also cannot be blamed. Realization that he has to stop giving away money so easily often dawns after years. By then, the recipients are used to receiving money. He simply has to develop a thick skin, and decide how much he can give, and stick to it. Relationship with parents won't be the same ever again. It is a most unenviable position to be in. Choice is: Reduce financial contribution and put up with the impact on relationship. Or, continue to give and live with the truth that relationship is based on money being given.
     
    Vyahrthi and joylokhi like this.
  8. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Raising one's standard of living (family included) within one's means is different from going into debt. This is the fundamental difference between earning an income and building wealth. Not appreciating this difference means sliding back into the pit they are trying to claw their way out of. Two simultaneous crises (e.g. serious illness for one spouse or child, job loss for the other) are sufficient to push most people over the brink.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
  9. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    50k in India is a much for 2 people.
    Tell you have lots of living expenses here, which is true. Set a tight budget, and give all these iconic spent list to your hubby in a Excel. Ask him what about his future?
    With current IT scenario, rising costs, school college fee, unforeseen medical expenses, his own personal interest like travelling or holidays?
    Keep a low tone, no argument, no blame game, no your money/my money.
    I can understand you, because my hubby had huge loans at the time of my wedding/ post wedding. His entire salary would go for his parents loan/ parents expenditure. Then my in-laws started eyeing my salary.
    After big dramas, we moved out. And set a limit to thier expenses, my FIL is an earning person, MIL has pension, own house despite these they want son to take care of thier basic to luxury expenses, all money will go to my SIL.
    After many yrs my DH understood.
    So have patience. You do a list of expenses in India ask them all accounts.
    One of my friend (guy) he was abroad during his wedding preparations, he asked me to accompany his mom during wedding shopping with his bride. His mom collected all bills and saved, asked me to take pic of all bills.
    I asked why aunty, she told me your friend should not think I'm wasting his money.
    I was so amazed with aunty. Such moms do exists pararelly our mils do exist to drink son's dil's money and effort.
    Don't worry. Keep telling your hubby. Will take time. Still my DH is on spend mode on seeing his relatives who don't care to wish bdays.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2018
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  10. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    The NRI scenario is very familiar, not sure how can we bring 'guilty' husband to see the reality?
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2018
    Vedhavalli likes this.

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