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Am I Overthinking About In Law's Or They Are Being Mean And Selfish Really?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Vyahrthi, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. Vyahrthi

    Vyahrthi New IL'ite

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    Our marriage is love and arranged.We both are from the middle class or may be a upper middle class family. He has been working from last 9 years as a software engineer in a reputed MNC. He is an intelligent person and he scored district mark in his 12th standard and though it was difficult for his parents to send him out of state financially, they still managed to send him to the best college with education loan and schlorship. After his engineering, he joined for work.From the first month he started giving his entire salary to his parents except keeping something for his survival. He even went abroad for 2 years and given nearly 1 Lac every month to them thinking they will save for him. But when he returned back, there was nothing called savings except some gold. They forced him to get them a car before even having house, still he got it without saying no. He gave full amount to pay the car, but they didn't. Instead, they paid half and put loan on his name. He paid that too. After completing car loan, his dad forced him to get 7 lac loan for him to put it in commodity, my spouse was not at all okay for getting loan, but he trust his mother a lot. She too told, get it seems, then he got the loan and gave everything but all failed and lost that entire amount. Then his sister portion. He was about to return from abroad, that time we were in relationship. SIL ntroduced her boyfriend in-home and just before 10 days from his arrival, her engagement was done and marraige got fixed. My spouse parents agreed to pay all expense comes for marriage and put 320grams gold her. When he returned, he realised there is no money called savings and what they have is 350 grams gold that to for 3 Lacs in bank. His sister started earning but didn't give single penny to home. On the second month she started earning, she decisde to get married. My husband again got loan of 4 Lacs and his dad got 3lac loan ( he doesn't work,that is also paid by my husband later). SIL got married and didnt talk to anyone after marriage for another three months as her in laws expectation was getting 400 grams gold and bike. So, as of 2016 he is left with 14 lac loan, no savings,no house and already 30.With all this debt and again monthly he has to give 20k to parents as they do not earn with the salary of 67k in India. I was already 26 that time and my parents started looking for a marriage. They knew partially he has debt and no house. But the agreed for marriage and finally did our engagement in December 2016. His sister didn't come for our engagement. For engagement, his parents disndi give single penny and he borrowed from friends for that. Then god's grace we have got US visa, and in 2017 may we have got married and he traveled to usa. For marriage also his sister didn't come and his parents gave no money, he again got personal loan for mangal sutra and cloths. His parents didn't save 1 gram gold for him. His sister used to tell her husband and her in laws telling not to speak, so she didn't speak and come for her bro marriage who made her study masters when he is just bachelor and gave all his money to her. He came US and I was there in India serving notice period.Before travelling US, we both went and met his sister, she was 8 month carrying. Then after a month, in June she called her dad and told there is a problem at home and come and take me from here. They went and got her to home, I took WFH and stayed with them until her delivery. For the delivery, it was 1 lac(ceaserian and metropolitan city) , and sil insisted through her mother to pay, she told her mother that, if you don't pay, they will never come close. Exactly after our marriage, his first salary in US went to her delivery. After that, she stayed with parents in native for 6 months and went back. For that 6 month also, her husband didn't give single penny and she had around 20k as savings. Okay, all done, I am with spouse here in US, and his parents wants 50k monthly.

    He is trying to close all loan one by one. Now, suggest me what and who has a problem here?
     
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  2. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    I would definitely blame your DH for not learning the lesson at each step.

    Anyway let bygones be bygones. Since the major responsibility of marriage and delivery for his sister is over, your DH can stop giving large chunks of money to his parents for whatever reason. Instead if they have any particular necessity he can help but not give away all savings.

    I assume this is an obvious solution. It all depends on what type of attitude your DH has towards saving. If he realises this on his own, you don't have to do anything actually. But if he doesn't then start investments for your both's future life and kids. That way he will have less money in his savings and so lesser tension for you.
     
    TLMD32, shravs3, sindmani and 2 others like this.
  3. CoolPie

    CoolPie Silver IL'ite

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    Dear,
    From what you have written, it seems that your in-laws are partial towards their children.
    From now on, you guys can just say either that you are studying or buying a house in US or say that you have some commitments and save for your future. As for the loans, since your in-laws are old and anyway they are his parents who have raised him to become what he is now, he can repay all the loans taken so far.

    Hereafter, if they ask your husband to sign a loan, don't agree. Plainly say you have lots of commitments in US and also cite the cost of living there.

    You can just send an agreed amount for your in-laws in India every month for the expenses of just two people. I hope rs 50000 is a big amount for that. It can even be a lesser amount to make a comfortable living in old-age.
    As for your SIL, I would say don't mind her until she feels the relation is important with her brother. Since you are placed abroad chances of meeting her is very less and that saves you further headaches. You are gifted for that since there is no use with a relation that's one-sided.
     
    shravs3, pinkydarling and Vyahrthi like this.
  4. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    OP ! stay away from parents cum parasites.
    I have seen my Dad is your husbands position...its a never ending cycle.

    Close to retirement he still sends money to his elder brother whose salary ( although gov employee ) is in suspense account since beginning! My Dad has different argument on that & i hope & pray he is always in giving position still....

    Save yourself and your partner.
     
    Rihana, sheztheone and Vyahrthi like this.
  5. Vyahrthi

    Vyahrthi New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your reply.
     
  6. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    Who to blame is your inlaws .. but leave them these ppl will never feel for u or husband or feel bad ..they thinking they did wrong is out of question ...

    Now start talking to them and get strong and say no to their demands.. since u guys have to pay the loan .. u put an end to this all .. say u will not give any money till the loan is cleared and after that do give some amount but u decide by not sacrificing a lot since your husband deserves a life too..
     
    Vyahrthi likes this.
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    It MIL/FIL are very selfish and greedy ,they don't care about their own son . Parents never cheat children like this. Be very wary of these people and don't involve in your personal affairs .
    Maybe these kind of people have sons for some purpose of investment and cash flow . Feel pity for ur husband to be exploited like this by own parents .
    I believe that parents should be supported for needs if required but 50000 is just too much. Even though ur DH is warning high in USA still I feel 50000 is too much , because there is no guarantee of job. Complete ur loans on priority . Else u will have no money left for ur retirement or ur kids education .
    Convince ur husband to start funds and investments for those things . My good wishes for our problems to get solved.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2018
    Vyahrthi likes this.
  8. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Your in-laws are to be blamed.... And your husband is being taken advantage of his good nature.... If he continues to do this you will have nothing for yourself..... Talk to your in-laws and request them to get rid of their greed..... Too much greed is not good. .. You have a life too and a future to share with your husband..... Save some money for yourself and give them some money enough to support themselves and not too much for luxury
     
    Vyahrthi likes this.
  9. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Your in-laws are not good people.... The sooner you realise this, the better you will be. .... .And your husband..... Pity this man
     
    Vyahrthi and nakshatra1 like this.
  10. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Blame your in laws for being greedy and your husband for not learning lessons!

    Next time when they ask for loan tell them “no more loan” rule. Inform them amount “xxxx” (as per your choice) this is only you can send in money. Calculate their expense like rent, grocery get a rough idea how much is the ideal amount to live in that city. Slowly reduce the amount you send to them. Else inform them this is all you can send.

    Some parents are like that. They consider son as ATM machine & DIL as ATM machine and servant!
    The soon you realize the better for you!

    I would say take the control of finance in your hand. Make a excel sheet of income and expenses. Get a clear idea how much you can save each month. Start saving in your/Dh’s name. Keep short term finance goals and follow it. Start planning for your baby, house, future etc.

    Obviously you won’t get the tag of “good DIL” will get blame like “my son changed after DIL went to US” etc. Be strong. Don’t fall in that trap.
     
    Vyahrthi and shravs3 like this.

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